"I hope you drop dead. I hate you".

[aspiegirl23]

This was said to me last night by my husband during one of his verbal attacks on me.

How do I process this? I just don't know how not to take what he says to me personally. The only way I can do it is to dissociate myself from the world. But now I am just so numb to it all... .

I can spend all day reading up on BPD and feel empathy and motivated to handle it better, but then I just can't handle it at all

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi aspiegirl23,

I feel you.  I have been on the receiving end of many such statements when uBPDh was at his worst (hopefully we're past that now, with the tools in place).

I suppose he's saying that because he's angry/ frustrated at your conversation (therefore YOU), and wishes you were not there at that moment.  While others may say "I wish you'll go away for a while" or just walk off to calm themselves down, pwBPDs take everything to the extreme, and the most extreme version of "gone" is "dead".  It is really hard not to take it personally, and really hurtful, but it's also not useful arguing with him whether he really wants you dead (I've gone there before, the results will make you even more depressed).  It's a cue to leave for a while and clear your own head.  It helps him as well.

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks Chosen. I am so glad you are on this board! That is exactly what I needed to hear to help me put it in perspective and not feel so alone on this. Thank you.

[aspiegirl23]

You know, it'd be great if there was a list of common insults/expressions that BPDs use and their real interpretation, like what you just did for me.

I can't help but take things literally, but if I knew in advance the real translation (of course every situation is different and we can only warrant a guess) of what he means, I could handle it better.

Does such a list already exist?

[Chosen]

I wish this list exists somewhere as well!  For what I just "interpreted" for you, I understood it from personal experiece, so I'm glad my experience is of help to someone!

What I try to remind myself these days (even though things are much less intense now, the verbal shaming is mostly, if not all, gone, after I set boundaries for myself) is that whatever our pwBPDs are saying, it's been dramatised dozens of times.  It's not easy to do at that moment, and I used to get all caught up in the emotions (who wouldn't, right), but it just tired me out and he got what he wanted because he was able to get me feeling as intense as he was. 

I have read somewhere that if a two-year-old starts shouting "I hate you" you wouldn't feel so hurt/ scared, you won't take it so personally, you'll probably just laugh it off and consider it a temper tantrum.  So I try to imagine my pwBPD as a kid and throwing a temper tantrum (which is what they're doing because they're like kids emotionally).  Still hurts because it's a person you love, but at least you will be able to detach yourself a little bit and not get drawn so much into their emotional mess. 

[Olinda]

I agree with chosen.

When you step back and can look at it like a little child having a temper tantrum, it is easier to be empathetic and not take it personally.

Of couse, this requires that you NOT be in a triggered state yourself, to be able to step back.  For me, that is a tricky proposition.  I can often stay untriggered, out of the sucked into drama place for a while and then I almost always fall into the trap. 

One thing my therapist said was interesting:  It is the pain talking.  When I can separate the pain of my fiancee from her self, I can sometimes be more compassionate. 

I hope more people chime in because I also need tips on this!

[ziniztar]

"I NEVER want to see you again! Do you hear that? N E V E R. Apparently I have to say it like this because you just won't go away!"

I interpretated that as "it's better if we take some space"

[an0ught]

Hi aspiegirl23,

You know, it'd be great if there was a list of common insults/expressions that BPDs use and their real interpretation, like what you just did for me.

Considering the extremes some go to I'm not sure such a dictionary would be legal to sell.

I can't help but take things literally, but if I knew in advance the real translation (of course every situation is different and we can only warrant a guess) of what he means, I could handle it better.

Does such a list already exist?

No and it would be hard to compile as it can be so context dependent. The advice one typically would give is to listen to your own emotions as this emotional transference is a good indicator of the emotion on the other side. Difficult for you I guess so what may be working for you is doing the same but more explicitly i.e. analyzing what emotion a certain statement is intended to evoke and work backwards from there.

So "I hope you drop dead. I hate you" is obviously not an expression of love but intended to upset the receiving party. Turning this around means he likely is upset. Now context kicks in and you need to make an educated guess on what could have upset him... .

There is a good deal of advice on how to validate and analyze this. With all abusive outbursts there is the question whether we validate or use boundaries. I personally draw the line between "I hate you" which I'm willing to validate and "I hope you drop dead". The latter is for me over the line and I would state that I'm not willing to deal with a person that is wishing me such ill and walk out of the conversation each and every time.

[MSE1081]

I remember the first time my husband said that to me... . it hurt really bad to know that those words could come out of the same mouth that says "I love you." It took some time to really be able to see it for what it is... . like Olinda said, if you look at as child having a tantrum, it helps.

His newest thing, is "I can't stand you, leave me alone" to which I just put distance between us. I do not do it for him. I do for me and my mental stability.

[aspiegirl23]

Thank you everyone!

It all seems so easy and logical when I read all about what to do and how to understand it. But then in real life it is a completely different story! Urgh, what is WRONG with me that I can't make this work ?

I MAY have had some success recently though. Hard to describe, but where I drive my car in and out at home it creates a big hole in the dirt/mud plus my BPDh did a bit of paving there. The paving has partly collapsed into the hole and it is a big dodgy mess! He was driving my car out and starting getting upset about it. I am upset about it too as I feel it might damage my car. Anyway, he then got mad and said it was entirely all MY fault because of the way that I drive? Um, excuse me? Ridiculous logic. There is only a narrow path to drive out on.

So, although my own emotions were getting triggered, I said stuff like "I know you are upset about your paving... . " etc and tried to take that angle rather than getting mad at his insult to my driving.

When he got to our location (his parents' I guess he realised he wanted to arrive happy rather than arguing so he actually apologised and admitted it WAS because of his paving that he was upset. Score 1 to me at LAST!

My emotions mainly get triggered coz he does all this stuff in front of my 9yo boy, and then even takes out his anger on him by saying snide remarks/insults to him which get me SO mad coz I know how vulnerable children are to this kind of thing. I just find it so hard to not be protective over my son. I feel like I need to explain to him what is going on with his stepdad, but not sure how or whether it really is the right thing to do or not.