One side Difficult, One side Good

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My son is 12 and he lives with me. Saturday, he and I are going to visit my 21yo (step)daughter who is one month into a one year(?) drug treatment program. My ex (my son's mom) plans to get there first. I'm giving a ride to a long time female friend and drinking buddy of my daughter who kind of creeps out both my son and I. It's a 40 min drive into a city where I might not be able to get a parking spot.

Anyway, my ex spoke to my son last night by phone. She wanted to stop by in the late afternoon. My son told her, maybe they could skip this visit.

I reviewed with my son that with his visitation with his mom - overnight Saturday, if a visit is skipped (her apt. is temporarily infested with fleas - and cats) she can ask for and have a visit.

So by dinner time tonight, my son was settled in his mind about his mom coming over for dinner Friday night.

When I contacted her tonight about a visit, she was in tears that her son didn't want to be with her.

I told her that, being a pre-teen, my son might sometimes speak out - and speak his mind - and sometimes even say some hurtful things. But that he had settled on the idea of a visit.

She said maybe she would come over. But was upset about what my son had said.

I told her to decide tonight - so I could defrost enough food for all of us.

She got into a texting chat with me. Included was, "We will talk about this at another time. I do feel he needs to realize the impact his words have on people if he does not want to have a lonely life as an adult."

Prior to this I had texted, "I do not agree with your worry. He has lots of love to give and does share it. Boys reach a phase where the caring they need is different than when he was a little boy. He is going to have an ongoing relationship and contact w/you. They just reach an age where they sometimes demand some of the contact be - on their terms. It's good for him to speak for himself (and he was settled in his mind for you to visit Friday) So there's no lack of love. He's your son."

I was married a little over 9 years to a woman who is chronically depressed. She self-medicates with alcohol. For 4 years after the separation (my son was age 5) lived with her. I had ample visitation. When he was age 9 I got custody by agreement. His mom was moving to a place with awful schools and she hadn't had consistent employment for years.  He had some difficulty at school at first. By this year (grade 6) he was excelling in school - top scores in testing. He's in the Gifted and Talented program.

He thinks of his years with his mom after the separation as dark times.

So I say:

No emotional blackmail.

I will not train my son to try to anticipate his mom's coming bout of depression that will be because of something that he says.

My ex and I have had an amicable relationship since the separation and divorce.

But lately, when I had an operation, she came by to help. When our daughter was in the crisis of detox from drug use and entering that long term treatment center my ex figured a way to visit and spend days with my son and I (the cats in that apt have got to be flea powdered once the kittens that she raises and sells are out of her apt).

I do have a point past which she will not pull my heartstrings.

I will not again try to make things perfect for one who exists on the edge of a black hole - always on the verge.

No not for my son and I.

There is a way to be good to people

without falling back in again.

so far

so good

[Duvid]

My son is 12 and he lives with me. Saturday, he and I are going to visit my 21yo (step)daughter who is one month into a one year(?) drug treatment program. My ex (my son's mom) plans to get there first. I'm giving a ride to a long time female friend and drinking buddy of my daughter who kind of creeps out both my son and I. It's a 40 min drive into a city where I might not be able to get a parking spot.

Anyway, my ex spoke to my son last night by phone. She wanted to stop by in the late afternoon. My son told her, maybe they could skip this visit.

I reviewed with my son that with his visitation with his mom - overnight Saturday, if a visit is skipped (her apt. is temporarily infested with fleas - and cats) she can ask for and have a visit.

So by dinner time tonight, my son was settled in his mind about his mom coming over for dinner Friday night.

When I contacted her tonight about a visit, she was in tears that her son didn't want to be with her.

I told her that, being a pre-teen, my son might sometimes speak out - and speak his mind - and sometimes even say some hurtful things. But that he had settled on the idea of a visit.

She said maybe she would come over. But was upset about what my son had said.

I told her to decide tonight - so I could defrost enough food for all of us.

She got into a texting chat with me. Included was, "We will talk about this at another time. I do feel he needs to realize the impact his words have on people if he does not want to have a lonely life as an adult."

Prior to this I had texted, "I do not agree with your worry. He has lots of love to give and does share it. Boys reach a phase where the caring they need is different than when he was a little boy. He is going to have an ongoing relationship and contact w/you. They just reach an age where they sometimes demand some of the contact be - on their terms. It's good for him to speak for himself (and he was settled in his mind for you to visit Friday) So there's no lack of love. He's your son."

I was married a little over 9 years to a woman who is chronically depressed. She self-medicates with alcohol. For 4 years after the separation (my son was age 5) lived with her. I had ample visitation. When he was age 9 I got custody by agreement. His mom was moving to a place with awful schools and she hadn't had consistent employment for years.  He had some difficulty at school at first. By this year (grade 6) he was excelling in school - top scores in testing. He's in the Gifted and Talented program.

He thinks of his years with his mom after the separation as dark times.

So I say:

No emotional blackmail.

I will not train my son to try to anticipate his mom's coming bout of depression that will be because of something that he says.

My ex and I have had an amicable relationship since the separation and divorce.

But lately, when I had an operation, she came by to help. When our daughter was in the crisis of detox from drug use and entering that long term treatment center my ex figured a way to visit and spend days with my son and I (the cats in that apt have got to be flea powdered once the kittens that she raises and sells are out of her apt).

I do have a point past which she will not pull my heartstrings.

I will not again try to make things perfect for one who exists on the edge of a black hole - always on the verge.

No not for my son and I.

There is a way to be good to people

without falling back in again.

so far

so good

[Matt]

Wow - a lot to manage.

First, I'm glad you will be visiting your daughter.  My stepson went through rehab - two six-month stays in residential treatment - and it saved his life, and was helpful to me and my other kids too.  One key to your daughter's success is that she knows she is loved - you can't fix her problem but visiting her, writing to her, etc. will remind her that she is loved, and that will help her a lot.

I also think it's good that you take your son to see her sometimes, but you might want to see her by yourself at times, so you can talk about adult stuff, and you don't have to agree to take her old drinking buddy to visit - that might get in the way of quality family time.  (And the drinking buddy may or may not be a positive influence.)

About your son's comment and his mom's reaction to it... .

Maybe it would be best if you and your ex work out the schedule between you, by e-mail, and leave S12 out of it - just let him know what the schedule will be.  It's good that you are somewhat flexible in trying to find a time that will work for a visit, but it's mostly her responsibility to keep to the schedule.  If it works out that she will visit tomorrow, you can just tell your son, "Your mom is coming tomorrow at 6:00." or whatever - you don't have to involve him in the decision-making.

If your ex was healthier, she might be able to deal with what your son said, but she's not, and that probably won't change.  Within a few years your son will need to learn how to deal with her better, but for now that's your job not his.

Also, I would suggest you use e-mail rather than phone or text.  E-mail gives you both more time to think clearly before hitting "Send".  Texts tend to be sloppy and not as well thought out.  And e-mails leave a good record, so if there is conflict later you'll have a paper trail.

Disengage somewhat... .