What To Tell My 4 Year Old

[calpenna]

Hi All -- My uBPDx has recently gotten his own apartment after living with his parents for several months following his hospitalization for a suicide attempt. Our current custody schedule has him seeing the kids every other weekend during daytime hours only. Overnights must be supervised. But now that he lives close by, my 4YO son is constantly asking if he can have a sleepover at Daddy's house. I don't know how to respond. Seems like telling him that he can't stay overnight because Daddy is an alcoholic who can't be trusted is not the age-appropriate answer to give.

[Turkish]

Hi All -- My uBPDx has recently gotten his own apartment after living with his parents for several months following his hospitalization for a suicide attempt. Our current custody schedule has him seeing the kids every other weekend during daytime hours only. Overnights must be supervised. But now that he lives close by, my 4YO son is constantly asking if he can have a sleepover at Daddy's house. I don't know how to respond. Seems like telling him that he can't stay overnight because Daddy is an alcoholic who can't be trusted is not the age-appropriate answer to give.

Is your exH on board with helping, or do you think he is emitting FOG towards your son? I can't imagine that he is not asking his dad if he can spend the night.

If your uBPDx isn't actively trying to guilt your son, it would of course be easier. I would think something like, "I know that you want to sleep over at Daddy's house, and sleep overs can certainly be fun! However, you know that Daddy just got his new apartment, and he needs time to make sure that it is safe for you to be there at night."

I don't know how you are with your son, but I am all about "the monsters." Nothing to scare S4, but I use it as a generic reference to explain things he asks about, sometimes in jest, sometimes in all seriousness, but spun so his child mind can process it. Like, ":)addy wants to make sure that his new apartment is safe for you from the monsters."

Depending upon how much contact you have with his Dad, you might want to coordinate it. If he is FOGing up the works, then what you say   your son may repeat back to his dad and it might get into an unhealthy game with your child in the middle.

[livednlearned]

I had a similar situation although my son was 9.

You can validate how your son feels, and then tell him in an age-appropriate way that it's not going to happen without going into details.

"You feel sad that you can't stay overnight at daddy's -- I feel sad when I can't do things I like to do too. Daddy got sick and needed his own apartment, and it's ok for you to spend the day, but he's not ready to take care of you all day and night."

One thing I was counseled to do is to tell my son that it was my job to keep him safe. My son never asked to spend more time with his dad, so I didn't have to fend a lot of questions. He also knew that his dad wasn't safe.

However, he did ask me what was wrong with his dad. I told him that his dad was sick, and he didn't always make safe choices. When court ordered more time, I said that his dad was ready to try a new schedule. If he got sick again, the schedule would probably change.

The most important part is letting your little guy be sad about all this -- it's really really important to let them feel sad. If you don't, they'll start stuffing their feelings or being flooded by them.

Because if you want your son to experience the truth -- the truth is it's appropriate to be sad that his dad can't be there. Let him have the feelings, as hard as it is to be a parent watching that sadness in such a young child.

I regret not letting my son feel angry or sad when he was younger. I constantly told him his dad loved him (after an alcoholic rage  :'() and just confused him a lot and made it worse in the long run. A big part of healthy parenting is letting our kids learn to regulate their own negative feelings. Distracting them, or sugar coating the truth teaches them to numb difficult feelings.

[calpenna]

Thank you both. This is extremely helpful. Livednlearned - I really want to make sure I do a good job of letting him feel the sad, as hard as it will be to watch. I feel like so much of BPD behavior is a product of not being able to experience and process emotions in a healthy way that I am even more determined to do it right so that the pattern doesn't continue. I will try out this approach tomorrow. I can't say enough how helpful these message boards have been to me!

[livednlearned]

Thank you both. This is extremely helpful. Livednlearned - I really want to make sure I do a good job of letting him feel the sad, as hard as it will be to watch. I feel like so much of BPD behavior is a product of not being able to experience and process emotions in a healthy way that I am even more determined to do it right so that the pattern doesn't continue. I will try out this approach tomorrow. I can't say enough how helpful these message boards have been to me!

The first time my son really felt the sadness was after spilling everything to a teacher -- he was in 4th grade. I was waffling about whether to leave the marriage or not. S12's dad has been particularly cruel one night after drinking a lot, and my son was devastated. That happened back when I kept trying to appease his dad. It's so hard to say this now, but I would explain to S12 that his dad didn't want to be mean, but he had a hard childhood, etc. Instead of saying the truth -- that his dad was being mean and it wasn't right, and my job was to keep him safe. I was protecting N/BPDx  :'( instead of my son.

After S12 sobbed to his teacher, she called me. When I picked him up, he was almost bubbly. He needed so badly to tell someone how he felt, and the teacher didn't make excuses for his dad. It was cathartic for him to get all that off his chest. Makes me tear up just thinking about that day. You know that feeling when you have a really good cry, and it gives you this giant big feeling of relief? That's how he felt.

And he survived 

Sometimes, it's hard to see how this stuff works because we're so good at tiptoeing around difficult feelings, trying to sooth them so they don't hurt so bad.

A book that really helped me with this was Power of Validation -- it's for parents, so the examples focus specifically on kids and how to validate in age-appropriate ways.

You're really lucky to be learning all of this when your son is young. I caught it when my son was 9, and with help from peers here, from reading, and a lot of therapy for both of us, he's come a really long way.

[Turkish]

I regret not letting my son feel angry or sad when he was younger. I constantly told him his dad loved him (after an alcoholic rage  cry) and just confused him a lot and made it worse in the long run. A big part of healthy parenting is letting our kids learn to regulate their own negative feelings. Distracting them, or sugar coating the truth teaches them to numb difficult feelings.

Thank you LnL... . I invalidated S4 a month ago when he didn't want to talk to his mom on the phone (being angry at her because she basically moved her young paramour into my role suddenly, but I didn't know that at the time). I said, "why not? Mommy loves you and wants to talk to you!" Things seem ok now, but I will be careful to not invalidate him, nor to guilt him into feeling something he doesn't feel.

calpenna, let us know how your son does.

[calpenna]

Hi Guys - I have been putting into practice some of the validation tips, and I think it helps my son, although it's so hard for me to watch! After spending the day with his dad today, while I was putting S4 to bed he said, "I miss Daddy!" and was near tears. I tried to simply acknowledge his feelings, although I realized how quickly I tried to turn to the positive spin - "but you'll see him again tomorrow!" Reminded me that I should sometimes slow down and let him feel what he's feeling rather than try to immediately smooth it over.  He also asked if he could sleep over at dad's tomorrow night and I gave him the standard answer I've come up with which is "It's Mommy and Daddy's job to decide what's best for you guys and we decided that it's best for you to sleep here at night." I did follow that up with acknowledging that he's sad about it, and it's hard when you don't get to do what you really want to do. It's amazing how when you do things as simple as that they stop and look at you with a face that seems to say, "wow! you get it!"  This will be a very long road... .