Trying to survive a hostile environment A survivalists short summary

[chickenlittle123]

Hi Everyone thanks for sharing your own personal stories.  They are all very touching and I hope to learn from them. I am 57 and have a family of 4 children ( 21, 18, 16, and 12) that I am trying to get through this... I have already set major boundaries against my abuser due to destructive control issues, but still have to live with him as he will not agree to sell the house that we both have our names on...  If the house sells then I will have money so I can get a place away from him. And that is his motive to find reasons not to cooperate.  I think my challenge person is more of a psyco type due to the amount of damage that he has caused in myself and the children and the distorted reasons as to why they are that way... In the earlier part of the marriage I was trusting to the point of letting him redefine who I was... He countered, and questioned my reasoning and thoughts at ever opportunity, and it took its toll on my self worth and esteem to a point of my time to sleep became the best part of my day as I could escape from my living torture.   After many years of denial that my own husband could actually be against me, ( 37) I stumbled across books that told me what I did not want to hear or admit. You see I realized when I was unhappy, weak or compromised in life,  he was fed by that, and became elevated and seemed more fulfilled in himself... If I was getting strong or trying to overcome a challenge in life to accomplish something, he seemed to sabotage it to keep me in a frustrated state, as this was how he kept me from finding myself...  Now that the wool is no longer pulled over my eyes, and I see what is going on. I am not letting him control me any longer, and that makes him sad and depressed and angry in one way or another... Much of what he does now is passive aggressive or behavior with another hidden addenda. I have to keep hyperviligent to keep up with it all 24-7 but I am determined to get through this one way or another. My worst problem is that most people don't want to admit that there is a problem, so it is hard to get help. But  I am thankful for the few christian churches ( not all) that recognize this as a serious undermining problem in families and also in the church, And realize that the fault does not lie on the victim.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello chickenlittle123,  

Over 20 years (I am assuming) is a long time to endure an abusive relationship. It's good that you learned to set boundaries, though it seems that the abuse has taken another form with the passive-aggressive behavior that you describe. Do you have specific examples, like silent treatment, say?

It's sad that decades after domestic abuse became acceptable to talk about openly that it still goes on behind closed doors. I'm glad that you are getting support and reaching out.

Was your husband ever diagnosed with BPD or some other PD, or were you lead here by searching on his specific behaviors? How has it affected your children? I can imagine that a lot of your energy over the years must have been spent trying to protect them as well.

You also mentioned that he is more the "psycho type." Is it something that may also point to NPD? BPDs can also exhibit narcissistic traits, and both disorders can also exist together. We have some members here whose spouses or partners fall under this. I hope to hear more from you and how best we can support. We have a lot of resources here and members who can relate to what you are going through.

Take Care,

Turkish

[chickenlittle123]

Thank you Turkish, And hi   I actually tried to reply yesterday and when I sent my message it timed out so I should have copied it, ... . live and learn .   I am sorry if I did not do the proper introductions, as it seems as if I just stumbled onto this site and thought this was the intro area.

I do often find myself taking comfort among those who have similar hurts... I guess that’s why I am drawn here, as I understand what it feels like to carry this type of a  burden... As most people cannot comprehend the dynamics behind it. ( since they have a normal partner who is relatable). In the earlier part of my marriage after the Idealization stage, and after being separated gradually from family and friend support I realized he had this problem by denying me a voice to tell him how I felt about the way he was treating me,... I was deeply hurt and engaged in some self destructive behavior to help me cope with the pain. At that point I knew I needed to develop coping skills to live with someone who did not want to acknowledge the pain he was causing me. This is one way I learned to suppress what was happening to me. As he increased his psychological tactics against me,( Rage Countering, demeaning things I would say, interrupting and talking over me as if I was a second class person, overruling constantly the anything I asked the kids to do, trivializing my accomplishments and pointing out all of my failings, belittling me in front and behind my back to my kids, and controlling me by threatening to negatively affect those things that I held dear to my heart ,-if I did not capitulate to his demands. 

I developed new strategies that enabled me to cope with this physiological warfare. I felt that I should stay in the marriage for the kids sake,  as I reasoned to myself that any father is better than no father around.

Since I have a high threshold for stress and  pain, so I figured that once the kids were grown up, and were out  I would leave after that because I could not bear continuing to live with him...  

Bad strategy, as I did not see the train wreck of the damaging after affects on the kids growing up in this before it happened.  Now I am trying to get a job so I can get myself independent with my own checking account to try to re-establish myself and my youngest son somewhere away from him, to hopefully start a more promising life.

[Turkish]

Thank you Turkish, And hi   I actually tried to reply yesterday and when I sent my message it timed out so I should have copied it, ... . live and learn .   I am sorry if I did not do the proper introductions, as it seems as if I just stumbled onto this site and thought this was the intro area.

I do often find myself taking comfort among those who have similar hurts... I guess that’s why I am drawn here, as I understand what it feels like to carry this type of a  burden... As most people cannot comprehend the dynamics behind it. ( since they have a normal partner who is relatable).

Oh yes, though we may find sympathy, no one really can understand, especially if our pwBPD portrays a different face to the world. I've had good support from my friends, but they also have been invalidating sometimes. One of them even got tired of me talking about BPD, though we "diagnosed" his younger sister as having traits (she's 38 going on 13... . long history of men in and out of her life, emotional immaturity, self-sabotage, depression).

In the earlier part of my marriage after the Idealization stage, and after being separated gradually from family and friend support I realized he had this problem by denying me a voice to tell him how I felt about the way he was treating me,... I was deeply hurt and engaged in some self destructive behavior to help me cope with the pain. At that point I knew I needed to develop coping skills to live with someone who did not want to acknowledge the pain he was causing me. This is one way I learned to suppress what was happening to me. As he increased his psychological tactics against me,( Rage Countering, demeaning things I would say, interrupting and talking over me as if I was a second class person, overruling constantly the anything I asked the kids to do, trivializing my accomplishments and pointing out all of my failings, belittling me in front and behind my back to my kids, and controlling me by threatening to negatively affect those things that I held dear to my heart ,-if I did not capitulate to his demands. 

I developed new strategies that enabled me to cope with this physiological warfare.

It sounds like you came to the realization that he was both controlling and projecting his feelings of himself onto you:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I felt that I should stay in the marriage for the kids sake,  as I reasoned to myself that any father is better than no father around.

I felt the same way, but I caused mine to detach by my own passive-aggressive behavior. Interestingly, my pwBPD used this defense when talking to her friends, "I don't want to stay just for the kids' sake, my mother did that," when in reality, our r/s was like her parents' marriage, but with the gender roles reversed. I was the long-suffering one, and she was aggressive and controlling like her father.

Since I have a high threshold for stress and  pain, so I figured that once the kids were grown up, and were out  I would leave after that because I could not bear continuing to live with him...  

Bad strategy, as I did not see the train wreck of the damaging after affects on the kids growing up in this before it happened.  Now I am trying to get a job so I can get myself independent with my own checking account to try to re-establish myself and my youngest son somewhere away from him, to hopefully start a more promising life.

It sounds like you've mapped out a healthy path and have a plan. Regarding your comment on the kids having a father in their lives... . it's still possible to have that r/s, even apart, as sad as it might be. But with one stable parent, they have a better chance, in my opinion. Mine was mirroring her parents' dysfunctional r/s in our home. Our kids are young, but I reasoned they would pick up on the dynamic, and turn out into little versions of us, just as many of their mom's siblings have trouble due to the trauma and abuse they witnessed. It's better to not know what we don't know, then know what we know sometimes.

I know this may seem counter-intuitive but I encourage you to check out the Lessons at the top of the Staying Board. You still live together, and the communication tools (Lesson 3) may help you. There is also information on boundaries which is for you.

Take Care,

Turkish

[Turkish]

chickenlittle123, I found this perspective piece, and thought it might be of interest to you:

Staying/Leaving for the kids?

[chickenlittle123]

Thanks Turkish,  I read some of the info on the link to stay for the kids, and should have read that sooner I guess. 

I suppose had I trusted my initial gut feelings about this man,- I would have been gone long ago, but I had some self esteem issues myself and came from somewhat of a hurting home... And I needed someone to make me feel needed.  ( the irony of that is that I thought I could escape into a better world.)

There ought to be lessons provided for young people before they get married,- to keep the from jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, right? Anyway I will check out the communication tools link but I bet I already instinctively know them...

I am up at 3:00 this morning again, cause I am in a perpetual state of hypervigilagence... I discovered yesterday that a title to a truck that he notarized a few days ago (That should be rightfully mine since he has a newer car that he leased.) and signed off for me to fill my name onto,- is now missing out of my purse. ( I was hiding it in there until I could get it filled out and completed and sent in) 

At the risk of sounding paranoid I think he recanted and took it... I suddenly also cant find the ownership registration papers to the only 2 things that I have left to my name ( my 2 miniature registered mares)

Those registration papers were sitting right on my desk in a pile a week ago... I think he is getting ready to serve divorce papers and is trying to freeze what little assets I have to my name.   And you want to know what is the most bizzarro thing about this whole thing?  He has recently proxy-ed my last son ( yes my 12 year old that I am trying to rescue from this mess) to become his latest buddy recruit to inform him as to what I am doing, and has turned him even against me...   I really think my husband has mind control abilities because he does this with the greatest of ease, and with everyone that cant see what is really going on. Before we were married I learned that he used to work for a hypnotist  named Sam Meranto, and I wonder if that's where he picked up the ability to influence, control, and proxy people so well against the innocent? It is uncanny.

I think I was his target long ago when he first met me, only I did not know it.  Anyway something occurred to me about him that helps me know what makes him do the things that he does. Its so weird. He is a performer... In other words he is always trying to set a stage to do a performance to affect me... Weather it is an interaction with the kids,- or by himself.

I realized it is designed and staged to make me react... So I have made great strides to not be part of the audience,( and this foils the plan) and so I am finding ways to not be there when the stage is set. This has helped me to keep my mind focused on positive things, like my job interview today which I hope I get.

To all those women whose heart is tired and needs a lift, watch the Musical Cinderella movie with Brandy and Whitney Houston to lift your spirits. It really works. The Music on it is so incredibly inspiring and uplifting that I am going to get the soundtrack to play in my car. Anyway I am going to try to go back to sleep.

[Turkish]

chickenlittle, I agree with you that there should be some kind of life lesson class or classes taught to young people. Not some namby-pamby self-esteem class, but one based upon sounsd psychological principles, with areas covering how to spot people with PD traits, how to value one's self for one's own sake, etc... .

It sounds like some game is afoot in your household now. The advice I've gotten here is that it's better to serve than be served or answer. I wasn't married, but served mine with custody papers. She wanted to keep custody out of the legal system, to do child support  "under the table." I served her, and we're still trying to work it out. It's costing me money, because it's like she isn't reading the stipulation carefully, and we may have to serve her a 4th time with a package. It's frustrating, but at least there is a paper trail, and she is on the defensive, in a way, though it isn't that contentious at this point.

pwBPD are all about busting boundaries to assert control (they can't often control themselves, so they try to control others). It may be time to take that control away and protect yourself.

I know you're in a tough spot, but it might be good to get advice over on the Legal Board, as many members there have been through often very contentious divorces and custody cases with BPD/NPD spouses. It might help to get some clarity on wherever your journey could take you, to protect yourself, and the kids (luckily, you have only two minors with which you would have to deal with legal issues). It wouldn't be good for him to take control of this.

T

[Skip]

but still have to live with him as he will not agree to sell the house that we both have our names on...  If the house sells then I will have money so I can get a place away from him. And that is his motive to find reasons not to cooperate.  I think my challenge person is more of a psyco type due to the amount of damage that he has caused in myself and the children and the distorted reasons as to why they are that way... .

Hi chickenlittle123.

In your state, if you file for divorce, the court will order the sale of the house if that is what is needed to divide the assets. It happens everyday.  You can go at anytime.  It will not be easy, but your husband doesn't control this.

If you don't want to leave, it might make sense to reach out and try to resolve the dispute.

If you or he are past that and he is talking to a lawyer, you need to let go of the anger and settle this.

Where do you think things are?

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