tiny small successes and massive meltdowns.

[Haye]

Right now I'm a bit buffled and rather overwhelmed. My dBPDbf had two complete meltdowns within a week. Different factors behind them i think, causing him (and me too) stress. Stuff like our dog getting diagnosed with tumors and has very little time left being. First time he fell in to an emotional dark pit, suicidal/SI, but medicated himself so i bascially held him until he fell into deep sleep and was quite okey the next day. The other meltdown... .Horrifying. My SO decided to attend a discussion about my daughter's problems (at school, she prefers to be with adults, not kids of her own age). I don't know what happened, but somehow the two ladies talking turned the discussion into personal interrogation and it felt like they were trying to crucify him. He barely made through it, but as soon as we were out he went down with such dissociative epidose i was getting really really scared. Different aspects of his persona following one another like snap snap snap . Not only scared I was also really mad at those ladies, and myself for asking him to join us (they asked for him to come and i thought it might be helpful as he's very observant) which made it worse, of course. And the more weird the situation started to be the more angry and cold i became, worsening his reactions... .At one point he was like a cornered tortured animal afraid of everything and everybody, just shivering and trying to be as small as possible. Then I pulled my own mind together as well as i could, pushed myself back to as normal as i could be, finding empathy and slowly soothing him, which helped his dissocation to stop as well. On the evening, he well into that deeeep hole of depression and no self value and SI again. We were two hours drive away from anything, on a cottagetrip, and that made it worse for me, knowing that an ambulance takes basically as long to drive the as the sedatives take time to kick in. So again i tried to keep his head above the dark waters, him sobbering how he is too much of trouble to anyone, me especially, begging me to let the pain stop, to let him just sink. Before those two he had a very long period without meltdowns so getting two inside one week scared me.

But to those small victories. He now takes the prescibed sedatives when he is going suddenly down and sleeps through most of it! Previously he didn't see medication as a relief/help at all, hated the drowsiness they cause etc and simply declined using them.

We have managed to talk about both meltdowns - not too much as talking about them causes anxiety - and realized that the latter meltdown was partially fueled with him not eating (EDNOS) + for some reason i hadn't eaten much that day either so I wasn't too clear in my head either. We have actually managed to talk about many things, honestly and warmly. I have managed to define and maintein boundaries and he has respected them and actually stopped when i've told him that "now this is a topic/area i think is best us not to talk about"!

He has managed to mainting his own boundaries a bit, or managed voicing his own needs and even voice out the confusion when two people (me and a friend) wanted his company at the same time. Voicing that he couldn't choose between us but feared either one will be mad/fell abandoned and just felt the anxiety rushing over. I know it probably doesn't sound much but really, it's a new thing and i was so happy with him for being able to voice it out. Of course he was not too happy about it, saying that" well i couldn't choose anythin i went just "idon'tknowidon'tknow" in distress" - not realzing that for him saying "i can't choose and this stresses me out" is an improvement.

Phew. There are more small improvements, but right now i don't recall them... .I guess those meltdowns had such a massive effect i can't really remember the little good details right now

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