New Here & Struggling

[ortac77]

Hi

I am going through a lot of questions in my mind at the moment, have recently joined these boards and feel I am at a crossroads (not for the first time) - Whilst in one way the signposts are pretty clear I find myself 'parked' and just not knowing which direction I should take.

I have a BPD partner of 9 years ( although only relatively recently diagnosed). He also binge drinks although that is seen as a symptom rather than a cause. We no longer live together, it was recommended that he live independently by his therapist.

Because I have been getting my own therapy and from my work on the twelve steps of Al-Anon I realise that I have a default position of 'rescuing' and that default is driven by my own damaged sense of self. I can even understand where in my own family history that originated and turned me into a person who needed validation, nobody better than an addict or BPD to offer that validation , at least at first!

I can see my role in this -  I really can, I find someone who seems vulnerable and scared, I offer security, comfort, affection. The relationship started quickly (we were both on the rebound) - I knew nothing of BPD or alcoholism. I was sucked in (although not consciously at that stage) by someone who I thought I could help and the validation that offered me ... .and yes it was all exciting at first, felt great!

For a while things felt good, I ignored the warnings of friends, even cutting some of them from my life. The co-dependency increased, still I did not acknowledge it. I continued in a belief that things would get better and 'love conquers all' - kind of hard to come to that acceptance that it is not adult love at all, that I am fulfilling the role of parent rather than adult. I am now starting to question if I have ever been capable of an adult mature relationship or if there is something in me preventing it?

Logic and reason are my defences in life, all problems have solutions, but that leads to a situation where my head and my heart are not singing the same song, logic dictates i should move on accepting that I am a worthy person, employed, financially responsible, capable and well OK! At nearly 60 I also feel that I owe myself some fun/Joy before I get too old!

Emotion dictates that I am torn between my own needs/desires - I have a lot of trouble nowadays in even defining what my needs/desires are - so enmeshed in the emotions of another. The rescuer in me tells me  I should be using those attributes to help another in distress.

There is my dilemma at the moment, go or stay. I read on another board that breaking up is a process, certainly we have been through this loop many times. So maybe I have started to study this forum at the right time, I am conscious that my life is moving on, that I have needs and desires that are not being met even if they cannot be defined yet

Finally I really do see BPD as an illness, a really horrible one and i guess that is where my difficulty lies - would I just walk out on someone with Cancer or AIDS?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

Hi Ortac

Yes the side of us that wants to rescue our BPD's is strong. Part of that is because like you say they are ill.

Our problem is that if they don't want to be helped or don't see that there is anything wrong then nothing that we do will change them.

If there is no reason for you to stay apart from time invested then sometimes it is better to walk for your own sanity. Sometimes this can be the kickstart they need to seek help.

Leaving a BPD relationship is a bit like quitting smoking. You are fighting an addiction. You know its bad for you but like smoking for a brief moment it feels so good. You get weak, make excusses. Just one more wont hurt. I'll give up tomorrow. How many ex smokers have bought the last packet of cigarettes they will ever smoke only to buy another when they finish it.

This is why if you do decide to leave you must go cold turkey. Completely remove them from your life until your in a place where you can handle the thought of them. NC is the key. Yes like a smoker you will crave them, think about them all the time but the less you can actually get that fix then the quicker the healing process.

After a while of NC you will really see their flaws. The good times which rule your thoughts will slowly be replaced by the bad. Eventually the good times will be buried by the reality of how many more bad times you had.

You will start to see their flaws. A picture that would have made you weak at the knees will shockingly show you something different. Normally anger, emptiness or a lost soul.

Tools for overcoming the addiction are written all over these forums. What worked for me.

Anger. Let those angry chemicals run around your body and quell the cravings.

Exercise. More good chemicals to counter the bad.

New experiences. Fill yourself with the joy of doing something you've always wanted to.

Finally logic. See the relationship for what it truly was.

Whatever you decide good luck.

[waverider]

 

Glad you are here. You will find a lot of comfort from the folks here. many having gone through, or going through similar.

With regards to comparing this illness to others, the reason why it is such a struggle is that it is an illness that the sufferer seems to perpetuate, and it is a struggle to get them on board to help themselves. It is the self sabotage that leaves you feeling impotent to help.

The more you rescue the more you enable the victim mode. In effect you enable them to disable themselves, if that makes any sense.

Al Anon is a good stepping stone on the path to dealing with BPD, I went this way to.

How capable are you of restablishing your own life without ending the RS?

Is it really one or the other?

I thought in my case it would have been impossible, but it seems I was wrong, neither am I a doormat and there is little conflict anymore. I still enable a certain degree of neediness in certain areas, so the dyfunctionality is still there. However these areas dont clash with my values, nor greatly impede my quality of life, and so are easy to accept.

An acceptable end goal for everyone is different, it is an evolution that reveals itself on the journey as we rediscover what is really important to us, and what is not.

Whatever happens time on this forum is quite capable of enriching your life regardless of the final outcome

All the best with your journey

Waverider

[ortac77]

Thanks for the welcome and comments.

Firstly I think I am capable of 'reclaiming my life' and no that does not need to end the relationship. `i don't think I am at that point yet - more working out how best to balance 'supporting' rather than enabling.  I think it probably has more to with re establishing boundaries and I have started to consider what my core values are (non negotiable) vs areas where I can afford to more flexible, whilst learning to 'let go of the outcome'.

My BPD partner does acknowledge his illness and is seeking help, it is actually very difficult to get that help but he has a good Mental Health Worker and there is progress to getting him into therapy.

Thank you for reminding me that it is a journey and at least for now it is comforting and helpful to learn from the experience of others

[ziniztar]

 

You're in a good place. I found it a few months ago after our first dip and am so glad I can go here. It's a good place for resources, learning lessons, learning more about the disorder and other people's experiences step by step. If you're fed up with it for a while, you don't login or just read. And there will be times when you post 10 replies a day .

Finally I really do see BPD as an illness, a really horrible one and i guess that is where my difficulty lies - would I just walk out on someone with Cancer or AIDS?

Good question. I wouldn't. Nearly anyone would. It's one of the reasons I stick to my plan (staying), I am committed to make this work. I realize I have my own personal issues, I start recognizing triggers... and even though were in a second dip/low right now, I even can tell we're making progress. Last time he broke up with me screaming he never wanted to see me again. It's never been that bad anymore, because I started to react differently to him. He doesn't give me a silent treatment anymore. He even acknowledges now that he thinks everything is really difficult now, but that he is confident we will get ouf of it. That sounds like greyish, adult thinking to me (instead of black/white BPD).

There are two big variables playing when someone has a r/s with a BPD, affecting their reasons to stay or leave. 1: is he/she acknowledging the ilness and getting treatment? 2: are children affected? Children give a motivation to stay and make the upwBPD (undiagnosed person with BPD) aware of the illness. I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship like this if he would not acknowledge it and seek treatment. He is, for over a year now. I don't have to push him to therapy, he's going by himself, even in bad times.

I am a rescuer as well, yes. Have you read the three faces of victimhood or perhaps treated it at Al Anon? It helped me to understand the dynamics and gave me a way out: by understanding that I am not responsible for someone elses emotions, and that they are not for mine. Putting responsibility where it is will help you to step away from the triangle.

 again, welcome