Struggling with my r/s SO's kids and the BPDex?

[Panda39]

I am struggling with my relationship with SO's kids and the constant drama of their mother uBPD.

My SO and I have been together 4 years he has 2 daughters and an uBPDex.  I came on the scene when he was separated and going through a really ugly divorce.  When we first met the ex had primary custody of their daughters and used them in ways I had never seen before.  I watched as his uBPDex ran a campaign of parental alienation, accused him of child abuse, had his daughters spying on him, going through his things, even reading his phone text messages.  Then the ex pulled the oldest daughter then 15 out of school to do "online school" against the advice/wishes of her school counselor, Principal and my SO (her father).  This devastated my SO.  The ex also failed to get the younger daughter dental treatment for a toothache the ultimately resulted in an extraction and the wife and children lived in filth... .it just goes on and on... .

The ex and children knew about me but with all the turmoil my SO and I thought it best that I stay outside of his family situation. That sort of worked however the ex intruded on our time over and over (SO was still learning how to set his boundaries back then)

I didn't meet his daughters until later.

My SO was give primary physical custody, education decision making, medical decision making, dental decision making.

When the divorce was final I finally met his daughters the first visit was formal and polite but went well.  After that it has been a mixed bag, I alternate between caring about them because they are my SO's children and I have been very angry at them for some of the things they have done to their dad.  They at different times have accepted me and rejected me.  I've gotten my feelings hurt a few times so at this point I keep my distance and that makes me feel like a coward. Quite honestly I don't trust his kids after many of the things that went on in the divorce.  Intellectually I know that the ex was pulling the strings and that the girls must negotiate their mothers illness like the rest of us but I still have reservations about them. 

The uBPDex lies almost constantly and still plays games using the children and sometimes the children play games using her.  Meanwhile my SO is being hurt and stressed by all of them.  I am in a position to do nothing and I find that I have a hard time even talking to my SO about any of them anymore because I'm so sick of them all! And so angry at them.  I'm angry when the kids side with mom against dad, I'm angry when mom makes promises she doesn't keep (fails), I'm angry when mom keeps her promises (is successful), I'm angry when the kids don't support their dad, I'm angry when the kids believe their mother's lies,  I'm angry with how unpredictable everything is, I'm angry at myself for avoiding them all, I'm worried that my anger at his family will make our r/s impossible at some point.

I just don't invite sick, manipulative, lying, using, spying people into my life but because I love this man I inherit his baggage which is the size of shipping crate!

I love my honey dearly but find that my fuse is getting shorter regarding his ex and kids... .they are triggering me. 

I know I need to let go of the anger but just when I think I can or have some new drama happens. Like youngest daughter coming home from camp out of state (arranged and paid for by mom) with no return ticket or older daughter going off to a private college across the country (supposedly paid for by mom who has no compunction about lying).  Yes, my SO and I have learned that we can't control the decisions of his ex and in some cases his children but he (with support from me) end up picking up the pieces.

How do you negotiate blending with a family (which is hard enough) with a pwBPD in the mix?  How do you let the anger and frustration go?  How do you develop a good relationship with the kids when you can't stand their mother? or don't fully trust them?  Am I just over reacting... .over thinking... .making it too much about me?

[maternal]

Regardless of their ages, it is unfortunately, not the children's fault that their mother used and manipulated them in such ways.

My ex (diagnosed BPD) had a son, a child that I've known since the age of 10 months who just turned 5 years old.  I didn't care for the way that his mother was (and was not) raising him, and it would bother me at times when he would come over and just be a little monster because his mother never set many boundaries for him.  It's difficult, I know.  But, it wasn't his fault.  I had to let many things go, and instead of focusing on what I didn't like about how he was being raised, I had to focus on what I did like about this child.  He is such a beautiful, loving, caring, sensitive, intelligent, silly kid, and I had to focus on those things. 

I understand where you may not trust your SO's children, but you have a relationship with them as well as with him.  Try instead of coming from a place of distrust, to come from a place of trust and concern for them.  I know that can prove difficult, but if you continue to put a wall up in regard to them, it'll only get worse for you and for them.  Stop thinking so much, and just trust them. 

[Panda39]

 

Try instead of coming from a place of distrust, to come from a place of trust and concern for them.   

Maternal, I really appreciate your feedback.

I think this is exactly my quandary... .I bounce back and forth between both concern and distrust and I am sort of paralyzed in middle so no matter what is going on I end up angry at someone... .not a fun place to be... .or healthy place to be.  So my reaction has been to withdraw myself from a situation that I can't handle and put some distance between me and my SO's daughters. (Which probably feels like rejection to the girls... .so they reject me... .)

At this point my SO is living 2 lives one with me and my son and the other with his daughters and ex (in the background) because I haven't been able to make a good connection bridging my side to theirs.

I really have to think about what my level of distrust is here.  Is it something I can push through or not?

[maternal]

Something that is very difficult for me to do, but that I'm working on, is talking to folks openly about how I feel. 

It's quite possible that if you sat down with the kids, and your husband, and talked about how you feel / felt, about what's going on, about why you feel the way that you do, you may open up the good door to forming a better relationship with them.  When you signed up for a relationship with this man, you also signed up for his baggage, and this is part of the baggage that you have to take on before it becomes a point of contention for everyone involved.  His kids are not likely to make a step in the direction of open communication with you, so it's up to you to get that ball rolling. 

You're hurting yourself, too.  Communicate with them and invite them to communicate with you.

[Panda39]

I'm fearful of expressing my feelings to them, and not sure exactly why.  It's really many things I guess... .fear I will say the wrong thing or in the wrong way and hurt them, fear of being rejected again, fear of everything going back to uBPDx causing problems for my SO, fear of failing in my relationship with SO kids and losing him... .fear of confrontation and a desire to not create further drama for everyone.  There is enough of that going on for everyone   

Maybe I just work on letting go of my anger, accept the situation as it is, start with a clean slate and try again... .I wish I really understood all the fear I have related to these kids... .maybe the anger is how I voice the fear?  Why do I let them have so much power? Or is it even them that I'm fearful of? Is it their mother?