Addressing the core trauma... how does this begin to happen?

[bobcat2014]

There seems to be a high level of agreement that core trauma is the main issue with BPD. I know other things impact BPD but the emotional damage seems to generate the rage and shame the BPD struggles with.

Here is my situation. My uBPDw is starting back her therapy for depression. Her therapist has treated her for some years along with a two year stop in therapy. BPD was never mentioned. My wife gets at least 7/9 on the criteria for diagnosis. My fear is the T is missing something or my wife is manipulating the sessions. The fact she wasnt diagnosed made me question myself. But the stories and tools I learned about confirm BPD without a doubt. The cycles, splitting and gaslighting.

Second issue is the core trauma. I can piece together what happened to her as a child. With that said, I hope there is a special place in hell for abusers. Can the core trauma be addressed even is her T doesnt officially see BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

Not by you, that's for sure.

It's possible she mentions it in therapy and it is treated. Or she doesn't and then the T can't act upon it. People can only be helped to the extent they want to be helped. There is no influence you have on that. Even with a proper diagnosis your wife still would have to accept it in order to get past it. She's the only one who can do that.

[bobcat2014]

Not by you, that's for sure.

It's possible she mentions it in therapy and it is treated. Or she doesn't and then the T can't act upon it. People can only be helped to the extent they want to be helped. There is no influence you have on that. Even with a proper diagnosis your wife still would have to accept it in order to get past it. She's the only one who can do that.

Zin,

Thanks for the reply. After rereading my post, I see my struggle with being the fixer of everything. It is so tough for me to let that go of that role. Truly a struggle.

[blubee]

I know some therapists don't want the pwBPD to obsess over their diagnosis, so they are very discreet about it, but it may be time she find a new one.  If she is willing.  Someone who specializes in PD's.  They can more effectively work with her core trauma.  Because the focus is not primarily on what caused her illness, but she can be taught new skills if she ready. 

[Reforming]

Hi Bobcat

I'm no expert on the diagnosis of BPD but from what I've read and heard it's possible that your wife's T may be well aware that she had BPD but

1. They've decided to focus on treating her symptoms without labelling her illness. I've certainly heard of instances where a T decided it was more productive to focus on symptoms rather than a diagnosis (I'm saying this is right but this is the way some Ts work) because they believe that labelling a patient with specific diagnosis can make more resistant to treatment.

2. Some medical insurance doesn't cover BPD (I've read this but it obviously varies depending on where you are)

3. She had been diagnosed but she's unwilling to tell you.

I assume by core trauma you're talking about CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse). It takes a lot of work and courage but yes if she's prepared to discuss this with a skilled therapist then it can be treated

Hopefully some of the senior members here can off more informed advice

Reforming

[bobcat2014]

Hi Bobcat

I'm no expert on the diagnosis of BPD but from what I've read and heard it's possible that your wife's T may be well aware that she had BPD but

1. They've decided to focus on treating her symptoms without labelling her illness. I've certainly heard of instances where a T decided it was more productive to focus on symptoms rather than a diagnosis (I'm saying this is right but this is the way some Ts work) because they believe that labelling a patient with specific diagnosis can make more resistant to treatment.


2. Some medical insurance doesn't cover BPD (I've read this but it obviously varies depending on where you are)

3. She had been diagnosed but she's unwilling to tell you.

I assume by core trauma you're talking about CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse). It takes a lot of work and courage but yes if she's prepared to discuss this with a skilled therapist then it can be treated

Hopefully some of the senior members here can off more informed advice


Reforming

Reform,

Her T is very good imo. Maybe this next run will produce some help for my wife. It has been 2 very tough years since she has visited her. Things have gotten much worse with my wifes emotions.

Thanks for the reply

[Reforming]

Hi Bobcat,

It's great that your wife has a good therapist. As I said the T may be well aware that your wife has BPD but may not disclose that to you.


My ex was sexually abused and I've seen the pain it causes for both the victim and their partners.

It's very tough. Treating victims of CSA takes time and can be very hard not only for the victim but for their family.

Have you considered see a T for support. It's a difficult process and you'll need all the support you can to stay healthy yourself

The very best of luck

Reforming

[waverider]

It is difficult with BPD as they are always looking to blame, so often a finger gets pointed at a core issue as responsible for everything, even if it is not.

I think a certain degree of understanding of their condition needs to be reached before realistic assessments of original triggers can be found. Feelings =facts can mean basic feelings of invalidation can be retold as abuse.

I think it is something that evolves in due course, if a T digs too hard, they may very well be sold an excuse.

I have also noticed that even though my partner is diagnosed, any therapists/DRs/councillors tend not to mentioned the label too much as pwBPD can slip into role playing it and using it as an excuse for being the victim, and wanting to blame someone else for causing them to be this way. Someone has to be wholly at fault right?

During early development there is a lot of chicken and egg issues going on. Because they behave "odd", they are treated "odd" and often frustrate those around them who as a result loose patience and act in unsupportive and invalidating ways and so it escalates into a lifestyle of picking squabbles and results in abandonment and "bullies" who fight back.

There can be real abuse, mixed in with imaginary abuse. It is hard to separate them.

Can the core trauma be addressed even is her T doesnt officially see BPD?

It is not just a BPD issue, core trauma is often present in mental illness, most therapy aims at uncovering it and addressing in due course. Without giving it center stage to the point that its hard to get past