Question on therapy - when to hope?

[takingandsending]

My uBPDw and I just had a good session with couples T yesterday. Our T was able to gently help my wife see that issues stemming from her childhood are still playing a big role in her emotional flooding in her interactions with S9 and with me. I found so many of the tools that I am learning here very helpful during the session to (almost) not take my wife's words personally during the session and to remain empathetic to her. The T carefully nudged my uBPDw to consider more frequent and focused individual counseling. 

What I am feeling though is how frightened I am to have hope, or maybe more precisely to have hope destroyed again. I have been down so many rabbit holes with her for 18 years, and while it felt like maybe a breakthrough of sorts, I know there is no quick fix to this illness. I want to be more positive when good things happen, but there is this fear of further hurt that just holds me back.

Any suggestions? I have not fully learned SET, although I am transitioning into the mindset of it a little bit at a time this past week. Radical acceptance seems a long ways off. An example of where my head is at: during the T session, we explored the dynamic of when S9 gets dysregulated, which then triggers my wife to get flooded. I help him using SET, and I validate her upset. Issue is that she feels abandoned and stuck when S9 resolves, like everyone expects her to be better and go on with life. She told T she wants me to ask her "What are you feeling?" to help her use a tool that she just learned to get unstuck. Personally, I have no desire to ask her this because I like to keep my head attached to my neck. That's where I am at. It's seems like a reasonable request from her. I have heard so many of them in 18 years that I have tried to do. How do I let go of fear that this is just another opportunity for me to get hurt, to be blamed for not doing it just quite right? God, this brings up all of my stuff for me. I should be thankful.    Need to breathe for a bit and slow down my thoughts. I just don't want to lose sight of when real possibilities for improvement are present due to my fear and hurt. Any help?

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[Rapt Reader]

I can certainly understand your fear of hoping that your wife is at some sort of turning point, takingandsending... .You seem to be suffering some sort of PTSD regarding her past behaviors, and not wanting to be let down again or raged upon again is perfectly normal, I think. That said, Wow! That sounds like it was a great session with the Therapist! For your wife to realize that once your son regulates she panics because she feels the expectation that she should regulate too, and she's unsure that she will be able to be as "normal" as everyone will expect her to.

That is really quite the insight; my adult (37) son with BPD has explained that the fear of letting everyone down when they see his improvement has (in the past) caused him to relapse with his drug addictions and other dysfunctional behaviors. His comfort zone was actually located right in letting people down when they had expectations; it was easier to continue failing rather than to risk "almost succeeding" and then letting people down once again... .

What your wife is saying is exactly what my son was saying. Wow. Great insight, and if it helps you any, now that my son has been in Therapies since March of last year (continuously), he is recovering very nicely and is very happy to not be letting anyone down anymore 

[takingandsending]

Rapt Reader, I am so happy to hear about your son's successes.   I can see that it's incredibly hard work for the pwBPD - they have so much fear of what they feel. I can relate to that, too, but I can't relate to how it all spins out of control from there. It was a great session. Our T was so skilled, so considerate and gentle to help wife reach that threshold. And it was a gift for me to be able to see my wife in vulnerability v. on the warpath. She still managed to throw out quite a few criticisms of me and the T, but the work that I have been learning here really grounded me, allowed me to just stay with empathy. Sometimes, when some zingers got in, I just did taking and sending meditation during the T session, allowing myself to feel the hurt, give to myself in the hurt and then extend that giving to others.

I wish every moment could be like that breakthrough, but that's not realistic. Still, your words help me to see that it is okay to feel both hopeful and allow the anxiousness that comes with hope. And I know that learning new steps in our dance is not only helpful to her but also helpful and necessary to me. Your son's story and others on this board who have shared their successes  - truly they move me. I feel a mix of hope, fear (that  my wife and I will never get there) and rejoicing when I read them. I think anyone who can find the courage to look within themselves and work toward self-love and love for others is doing the hardest and best possible work of their lifetime. Thank you for sharing your kind words.

PS - I am getting some individual T as well. I realize more and more just how many unhealthy patterns of behavior I have cultivated within myself. Well, at least I know how to pick a mid-life crisis. 

[Rapt Reader]

PS - I am getting some individual T as well. I realize more and more just how many unhealthy patterns of behavior I have cultivated within myself. Well, at least I know how to pick a mid-life crisis. 

I think you are making great progress, takingandsending (and thanks for your explanation of your Screen Name; really good name!), and though the recovery process can be rocky at times, the steps going one forward and two backwards now and then, if you keep going the momentum can really help you make changes for the better. And, as you make those changes from unhealthy patterns of behavior to healthy patterns of behavior, you will be surprised at how that will most likely effect positive, healthy changes in your wife and your relationship with her, too.

Keep reading here, going to Therapy, and letting us know how things are going. It really will help 

[takingandsending]

Checking back in. My uBPDw texted this morning and asked what our couples T had helped her with just last Saturday! Saturday it was a big breakthrough. Vulnerability ... .yes! Today, ummm ... .what was that very important thing that might get me started on a healing recovery that could change the course of my life?

I guess, whether I know better or not, I still hope. Seems like I had better look more closely at my own expectations.

[an0ught]

Short term changes will primarily come from you changing behavior. There are problems on the other side that are not so much under conscious control and require deeper learning taking more time.

[123Phoebe]

Checking back in. My uBPDw texted this morning and asked what our couples T had helped her with just last Saturday! Saturday it was a big breakthrough. Vulnerability ... .yes! Today, ummm ... .what was that very important thing that might get me started on a healing recovery that could change the course of my life?

I guess, whether I know better or not, I still hope. Seems like I had better look more closely at my own expectations.

Short term changes will primarily come from you changing behavior. There are problems on the other side that are not so much under conscious control and require deeper learning taking more time.

Expectations have been a biggie for me, takingandsending,  What anought mentioned speaks to me too, as the deeper learning escapes me from time to time, when expectations rear their head; they are going to.  

Acceptance that not everyday will be fabulous has really helped, too.  That way it tones some of the  stuff down, giving me the mental-space to respond more in the moment and not thrown for a loop.