I think things are about to get better

[Jacq189]

Forever the optimist, I know.

Although my uBPDgf is extremely volatile at the moment things are finally moving forward. She has been to the doctor, has appointments with psychologists booked and is in contact with our local hospital about getting into a DBT group. Now that she knows about BPD (I told her I think she has it a couple months back), I can't believe how much she has changed. She certainly doesn't have the skills yet to control her moods and she is probably as bad as she has ever been... .but she is so much more aware of her moods and her bad behaviours. I have gotten more apologies than I have had in our entire relationship and she is finally taking responsibility for her actions even if she cant control herself yet. I am amazed at the contrast between the unregulated, bad behaviour and the regulated, beautiful woman I love. Even though I did always know it was there, that division is so much more blatant now. The lines are much less burred. As she is coming to terms with the fact that how her mind operates isn't normal she is communicating with me so much better. She is even able to tell me when she is having a bad day... of course it is always obvious to me when she is having a bad day but its just the fact that she can say that and recognise that her desire to punch everyone in the face is her problem and not everyone else's. She has acknowledged that she shouldn't have access to our money and has given me her credit card to cut up. I think the more she is recognising the more intolerable this disorder is becoming to her which is growing her desire to get better and get help.

I am exhausted from the process and nervous that she could go backwards or that therapy won't work but most of all I am hopeful.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

It's all good news.

She is seeing a doc, may get into a DBT group, knows about BPD and is having insight and moving forward... .all good news... .way more progress than many ever see on this board, so that's super fantastic!

AND... .

All treatment paths are a mix of ups and downs, a couple of steps forward and then a slide back... .and often, treatment is quite taxing and things get worse before they get better... .

so... .be hopeful AND grateful for what has transpired AND at the same time be very realistic and prepared about a treatment path.  Just know that it is always a long, challenging journey with many ups and downs.

Take care of yourself no matter where you are on the path... .if you are exhausted, you need to find a way to rest and recharge.  Take care of yourself, first and foremost.  When you take care of yourself, it gives others permission to do the same... .she will benefit from that kind of modeling on this journey. 

[Jacq189]

Thank you for your reply MaybeSo.

I certainly am grateful that she has been able to make this progress. I know many others are not so lucky. You are right about needing to be realistic about treatment. It is easy to be so focused on just getting her into some sort of therapy as if everything will be alright once that has started, but of course it wont. I am absolutely determined to stay with her and support her through this. I have been living with her ups and downs for 6 and a half years so I'm sure not about to quit now that we finally know what is going on with her.

Trying to look after myself in all this is very difficult as I am sure everyone on here can relate to. Having to make all major decisions by myself, having to be the financial, emotional and physical support for another adult who cant even keep herself fed without a meltdown I feel like a single mother of a VERY demanding child. My health is  not good at the best of times and I am trying to study part time as well. It is not always easy to find a way to recharge but I guess that is one of the skills I am learning.

[ziniztar]

Great news! 

she is probably as bad as she has ever been

That makes sense. Anyone finding out that their whole internal world has been abnormal for a long time would be devastated. It's something she'll has to process.

nervous that she could go backwards

Try not to be nervous about it although I understand you feel this way. Expect it. Relapses will happen, if you're prepared for them they won't hit you as hard. It's a long journey, you'll have to keep yourself grounded  .

[Stalwart]

Jac really happy for you man. I so hope it all goes forward in a great directions for you.

In the past year and a half I've found myself in the same position as you, perhaps we had a lot more discourse and problems that brought her to the necessity of finally getting a diagnosis but I can sure share in the spending issues. I had far more issues come about than that.

My wife has really changed so much and it's a work in progress. Like your wife she will still go into rages but realize she is and that it's not about me but I'm the one infront of her being attacked and she'll stop herself, usually pretty quickly. The real good part is that she comes to me later when she's able to calm herself a bit and apologizes recognizing it isn't me, it's her. World of difference in handling problems isn't it.

It's been a slow road of constant improvement for us. I have found there is no doubt once she had her diagnosis I think I've changed more about myself than she probably has about herself simply because of awareness of the issues, learning and putting into practice so much I've learned on site like this. It's great to have good resources and people to help you in trying to figure your way out of the fog and on to a better path. One of the biggest issues I face now is how constantly she badgers herself for her past actions, the remorse she feels is extremely disheartening. I mean there is plenty of reason for remorse but putting it behind us is the best action for both of us. I just can't come to terms with why I can so easily put the past behind us and she isn't able to at all. Now I'm constantly confronted with 'I don't know why or how you could even think about loving me but I'm so glad you stayed and that you do." There just isn't an answer that I seem to be able to give her that can even affect the guilt and dislike she has of herself. But small steps forward and I'm just so grateful for having them now and I find so much hope in our future.

Like you I spend a lot of time worring about whether the change is permanent and if it will keep going in the right direction or if one day she'll just fall right back into the actions of her past. Once bitten, twice shy. I try not dwell on the fear and just remain alert, cautious and above all grateful.

Best of luck and I so hope you have the ability to support her really well through the next year for yor sake and for hers.

Great, great news for you my friend.

[Jacq189]

Thanks everyone. Stalwart I can definitely relate to you.

My partner's spending is certainly not the worst of our issues but over the past year she has spent ALL of our $50,000 savings and we are currently living off the credit card which is only a few hundred dollars away from being maxed out. If she hadn't given me her card we would probably be homeless by the end of August. So her surrendering control over our money is a massive relief to me.

I know what you mean about changing more yourself that your wife has. I think it is so important that we are able to do that though. I like to think it is making me a better person in general. I am much more aware of how I act towards other people and am feeling more capable to make sound decisions.

I also wish I could help my partner to get over her past mistakes. It torments her so badly after every rage. No matter how horribly she treats me, the punishment she puts herself through is always 10 times worse. It is painful to watch our partner's not put the past behind them but I cherish my ability to do so. I think it is an essential trait to have if you wish to have a long term relationship with a pwBPD.

It is so hard for them to understand why we stay... .Its hard for anyone who knows what our lives are like to understand why we stay... .Perhaps the best we can expect from our partners is for them to accept the fact that we do stay and to appreciate that. Which it sounds like your wife does. From mine I only get the "I don't know why or how you could even think about loving me" and not at all the "I'm so glad you stayed and that you do.". So maybe you are doing better on that front than you realize.

Right now I am just trying to find my footing to be able to support her over the coming months. With the help of people on here and other resources I am confident I will find my way :-)

[ziniztar]

My partner's spending is certainly not the worst of our issues but over the past year she has spent ALL of our $50,000 savings and we are currently living off the credit card which is only a few hundred dollars away from being maxed out. If she hadn't given me her card we would probably be homeless by the end of August. So her surrendering control over our money is a massive relief to me.

Not your biggest?

What is your biggest?   This sounds like a rough thing to deal with!

It is so hard for them to understand why we stay... .Its hard for anyone who knows what our lives are like to understand why we stay... .Perhaps the best we can expect from our partners is for them to accept the fact that we do stay and to appreciate that. Which it sounds like your wife does. From mine I only get the "I don't know why or how you could even think about loving me" and not at all the "I'm so glad you stayed and that you do.". So maybe you are doing better on that front than you realize.

Sometimes I don't even know why  . I know that I believe in his capability to change, and that he deserves someone to stick around and look past his own moodswings. There's a limit of course to what I (and we all) can handle, it's why the boundaries are so important. I've come across a few of them myself in the past weeks and am very grateful to have found this place.

Currently, I'm learning to detach a little bit more, to not feel so overly affected and responsible for this emotions. I think I'm learning very valuable lessons here, even if this r/s were to end, and I'm grateful for that.