Help me understand -

[nightmoves]

Where do I start?

4 kids... .20 years together - 18 married... .

My W has not been formally diagnosed with BPD... .but after the most tumultuous and confusing and illogical 3 years of my entire life - I was urged to go on this site and also read some posts and they FROZE me. I also corresponded with a person who has dealt with BPD wife who's writings , compassion, and insight I will forever be grateful. (he is known as Uptown on the site Talk about Marriage and was further both shocked - and also FINALLY began to have something that unlocked the riddles of what was happening... .and why.

For a while just THAT made things -for me - better.

And - I found that the understanding of much - seemed to help the relationship as well.

(if even only by MY changes)

BUT... .it seems (hard to describe) that only lasted for a while.

It is almost like my BPDw (or her disorder) simply "up'd her game".

So now... .I am simply feeling as low as I have in my entire life with the understanding that even WITH more understandings... .comes a tremendous amount of realizations - that are very difficult to deal with.

WILL this be all I now get in my life with regard to a partner... .

I must live with no appreciation. closeness, affection, intimacy?

WIll I always be uneasy, blamed?

Will my life ALWAYS be SO unpredictable?

Will I have to ALWAYS question what is REALLY going on?

What my wife REALLY thinks. REALLY feels?

What about all the riddles that still do NOT make sense.

The news ones EVERY DAY?

I am in the HEIGHT of crazy making... .even WITH knowledge of all this... .it seems a am

continually being lulled into a false sense of "normal" only to run headfirst onto the next brick wall or minefield.

It has gotten SO bad... .that even WHILE I can SEE the sudden changes... .rage... .blame... .emotional up and down in seeming seconds... .

I STILL get caught up within it. STILL find myself trying to "calm it down"... ."talk thru it"... .wish it to return to the last fleeting "normal" place again.

Thing is... .I wonder if my "new" and present "normal"... .I would have 20 years ago seen as INCREDIBLY ABNORMAL.

Worse yet... .my wife is in the middle of severe hormonal  and endocrine imbalance so the outbursts... .the paths she seeks... .the entire being she is from day to day... .is SO depressed, dysfunctional, rageful... .

I actually read somewhere that this sever a hormonal imbalance can actually work to place alcohol on the fire.

SO ... .here I am ... .4 wonderful children... .trappings of a good and hard worked life... .a devoted dad... .really a good man and husband (yea - i know I am self critiquing here... but its objectively true as well)... .

IN a living nightmare.

Thank you for listening - any help would be SO appreciated... .

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[an0ught]

Hi nightmoves

WILL this be all I now get in my life with regard to a partner... .

I must live with no appreciation. closeness, affection, intimacy?

WIll I always be uneasy, blamed?

Will my life ALWAYS be SO unpredictable?

Are you sure you don't want your life to be more unpredictable? At the moment it is pretty predictable - drama follows drama.   The solution is not trying to control more... .

Will I have to ALWAYS question what is REALLY going on?

What my wife REALLY thinks. REALLY feels?

What she thinks - does it matter so much when her behavior is not so much based on it? What she feels - read up on validation. Regular practice will be very educational on that front (besides helping you to reject projection and helping her to calm a little down).

What about all the riddles that still do NOT make sense.

The news ones EVERY DAY?

Crazy is not solved by thinking more or harder. You are dealing with a lot that makes no sense and a lot of if just is noise to be ignored.

It has gotten SO bad... .that even WHILE I can SEE the sudden changes... .rage... .blame... .emotional up and down in seeming seconds... .

I STILL get caught up within it. STILL find myself trying to "calm it down"... ."talk thru it"... .wish it to return to the last fleeting "normal" place again.

Thing is... .I wonder if my "new" and present "normal"... .I would have 20 years ago seen as INCREDIBLY ABNORMAL.

When seeing her spinning out of control sometimes validation helps. But only sometimes. Often the best are boundaries and timeouts. Won't be liked the first few times but they do help.

Worse yet... .my wife is in the middle of severe hormonal  and endocrine imbalance so the outbursts... .the paths she seeks... .the entire being she is from day to day... .is SO depressed, dysfunctional, rageful... .

I actually read somewhere that this sever a hormonal imbalance can actually work to place alcohol on the fire.

Yeah, hormonal changes can have an impact on behavior. Not an excuse for her behavior. For the time being might be a ok thing for her to blame it on as a face saving measure and for you to turn a blind eye on the flimsy excuse. Rage is a sign that boundaries are lacking.

Is she drinking?

[nightmoves]

Thank you very much.

Very helpful.

Drinking... .yes.

Much wine... .getting earlier and earlier in the day.

She - when this craziness started at its worse... .started drinking ay to much.

Yes.

How did you know?

What did that mean?

[an0ught]

Hi nightmoves,

drinking in combination with BPD is problematic as it lowers the respect for boundaries. Missing respect leads to rage and more problems. Drinking is often used to deal with overwhelming emotions - some from the conflicts. Of course the rage is also driving new conflicts. Her drinking is helping her to cope today but it is doing more damage causing more problems tomorrow and thus dysfunctional. But reason won't stop her.

This site is pretty big. A good starting place are the LESSONS. While you are learning and discussing here a good start might be to learn more and then apply validation. This will give you a better understanding of her and allows you to plan further steps.

[formflier]

 

Nightmoves,

Take out the drinking part... .and add in a bunch more children... and I could have written much of what you put down here.

an0ught is right on track.  Focus on lessons.  They really work.  Once I saw concrete evidence of that... I realized I could take back my life.  That was an EMPOWERING moment.

Can you take some time and describe what you do for "self-care"... .how do you take care of YOU?


Please take some time and describe just one of the repetitive behaviors that you wife does... .that really has an impact on you.  Also describe how you behave in return...  

Hang in there!  We can help... .   

[Inquisitive1]

nightmoves... .now that Bob Seger song is in my head. curses!  Actually, that's a good song, makes me think of high school.

Anyhow, I'm new to this site too, and in a similar situation. 20 years of marriage, 2 kids, BPDwife.

We've done a bit of marital therapy and I've read part of the "Stop walking on Eggshells... ." book and some of the stuff here. That stuff has helped me understand my wife better and get a long a better. I like the earlier point about using validation, that has worked well for me.

I don't see a way to track down your earlier posts, maybe you could post a link. Or, let me know if you think you can get your wife to attend therapy alone or with you. BPD's tend to be resistant to therapy, but it can really help them.

I'm new to BPD, but have experience with alcoholism. My wife's drinking escalated over time before getting to the point where she was drinking a lot almost every day and this was increasing her rages and scary unpredictable behavior. It got so problematic that I eventually threatened to leave if she didn't quit (should have done that sooner 'cause it was affecting the kids). Life got better after that. We have no alcohol in the house for the last 8 years. Except when we have people over. I rarely drink, but don't really miss it much. It can be hard to make progress with someone who is drinking. You may want to start thinking about setting some boundaries around her drinking. Not trying to stop her from drinking, but what you'll do if her drinking leads ot out of control behavior. Making taking the kids out of the house.