Denying what happens

[Sugarlily]

I'm really struggling with bf at the moment. For the last year he has been in therapy and taking medication, which has led to significant improvements in our relationship. He has learnt lots of strategies, talked things through with his therapist, been calmer, more positive and finally his depression has lifted over time.

A couple of months ago he began reducing his medication as he panicked after an internet search showed that most people were on 10-20mg and he was on 40. He began to worry about side effects. Since then he has stopped taking his meds altogether. His behaviour has gradually deteriorated, he has has periods of passive aggression, being very critical, being paranoid and falling out with friends and having odd thoughts about Bible predictions and the world ending. These are only short spells but quite disturbing as he was not like this before. Over summer he has taken a break from therapy to see how he copes and doesn't have an appointment until Sept.

Last week after a lovely holiday and spending time living at my house, he spent a whole day being critical until I asked him to stop and then was subjected to several hours of angry silent treatment. He also got upset about me making him a meal he does not eat (even though we've had it lots of times before.) He slept in the spare room then in the morning told me he was sorry we had to end this way. Then he packed up his car and asked if we could have a meal together so we didn't end on a sour note. He asked me to post anything he had left onto him. We were due to go away on an adventure break on Monday and when I asked about this, he said he was sad but would be spending the rest of the summer alone then going on his own break in 4 wks time.

He has been ambiguous in the past and push/pulled but never broken up with me so clearly. As a result I have been coping with the end of the relationship all week, while he has been sending friendly texts which are clear we are over. I have sorted to spend next week with family as I wouldn't be with him on our break.

Suddenly on Friday I got a confusing text saying he had not ended our relationship and did not understand why I had organised to go to stay with family next week. He admits to having been ambivalent about the holiday and frustrated that I accused him of being critical but totally denies breaking up. He is now hurt and struggling and wanting to sort things out and compromise.

So I have a few questions.

If I give in and go on the break with him and cancel family plans am I just reinforcing his behaviours?

How do I tackle the whole issue of him denying what happened (his phone has mysteriously had to be reset so he has no record of our texts)?

Is there a way to talk about him going back on meds and ending the break in therapy without trying to control him?

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[Inquisitive1]

I'll take a shot at your questions:

Sugarlilly "If I give in and go on the break with him and cancel family plans am I just reinforcing his behaviours?"

I'm not sure if you'd be reinforcing his behaviors, but would it really be fair to your family?

Sugarlilly: "How do I tackle the whole issue of him denying what happened (his phone has mysteriously had to be reset so he has no record of our texts)?"

I might just continue to express my truth when it came up. I don't think I'd try to force him to admit it--that generally doesn't work with pwBPD and I'm not sure what benefit would be gained.

Sugarlilly: "Is there a way to talk about him going back on meds and ending the break in therapy without trying to control him?"

You can't control him, that's for sure. But maybe your concerned with being perceived by him as controlling. If that's the case, I don't have a good suggestion though some of the more experience folks on here do come up with good ways to say things. You might make a new, more focused post on that issues specifically.

Taking it a step further, I suggest saying something to him about therapy and meds, as well as considering setting your own personal boundary about these issues.

[Sugarlily]

Thanks Inquisitive for the answers.

I had a long discussion with him last night, which thankfully didn't cycle round. I decided to go and spend time staying with my family, which he agreed was fair, especially as it includes baby sitting.

Repeating truth and not shifting worked as he finally did admit he had said some of the things about spending summer alone, however this was apparently so I would argue against it and insist on going on the holiday. The same was true with leaving and ending the relationship, he wanted me to beg him not to. Seems some minor things were making him feel rejected (not that he was being just rather odd interpretations of things) and this made him frustrated and angry so this was his way of getting reassurance.

It is not that he thinks I am controlling, he actually can like me to do those kind of things. More that he is an adult and I don't feel it is my role to insist that he go on meds or into therapy.

Thanks for taking time to answer and help.