uBPDh has left me... now what?

[Ceruleanblue]

Right now I'm feeling very scared and almost frantic one minute, then the next I'm feeling like that calm that comes in the middle of a storm.

I asked him to leave, because I just could not be around him anymore. He made another false promise yesterday to "try harder", and that this week would be different. Of course, I just can't believe anything he says anymore, I've fallen for that way too many times. He's spent over two years telling me he wanted to take a break, and I've fought against it. I've never believed in "breaks".

He has recently told me though that he only halfway wants to be married, missed his freedom, and that it shouldn't be this hard. It's hard because he is angry, dysregulates, bases his reality on his feelings, and is generally the most unbending, narcissistic person I've ever known. Nothing I do is right enough, good enough, and according to him, I'm always doing things for a negative purpose. He doesn't even see the true me, or know or care who I am, or he wouldn't think such ugly things of me.

I've tried everything I can think of. I've read, researched, gotten on meds myself(at his demand), kept trying with his angry kids, but he is still angry and unhappy. The only thing I've asked of him every is to control his anger, and try to empathize a tiny bit in relation to how his kids ABUSE me, and won't accept me. He simply can't, and now that he doesn't even want to be married, it's taken all the "try" out of me.

I feel I was killing myself trying for someone who refused to see or appreciate my efforts. All I get from him is criticism, and blame. He mocks me, he belittles me, and he acts like he loathes me. He says he loves me,  but that is not love. He also started calling me foul names, which he always knew was a line in the sand for me. It came around the time that he gave me all that crap about not being fully committed. His therapist told me if he feels that way, it is unfair to ME, and asked him what he needed to do to be fully committed to our marriage. He came up with see his kids more? That is what he needs to be more committed to me? She told him maybe a break would help him appreciate me more, and told him that sometimes people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. I was surprised he even told me his therapist had said that.

I've been fully committed to someone who treats me horribly, and I need to figure out why. What's funny is he spend over two years threatening divorce or taking a "break", but when I was at wit's end, and couldn't take any more(for now), he didn't want to leave. He even left, then came back. I didn't beg him to not go, in fact I told him I've done all I could, and I can't "fix" everything, and I can't live with his constant blame and anger towards me.

He told me one time that part of the reason he didn't want to take that break he was always threatening me with was because then everyone would start asking questions. Well, three of his four grown kids hate me, so let them ask him questions. I'm sure they'll be ecstatic.

How do I best put this time to use? I'm scared one minute, and relieved the next. I'm temped to check myself into our local stress unit actually, but not sure if that would actually help me. Please tell me this awful feeling gets better, or that clarity comes back in time. Right now, I'm a mess.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

This really may be a blessing. Being away from the emotional turmoil of a pwBPD will lead to a relative calm the will give you time and energy to re-evaluate where you life is going. Is this relationship really the best thing for you? If so, what boundaries need to be in place for it to be sane for you? If so, what behaviors on his part or time frame of continued behaviors, will be the boundary you set that will tell you it is time to leave? In any relationship BPD or otherwise, there are unacceptable behaviors which would make one leave.

I think you should get into therapy ASAP to work on yourself. I'm not sure what a stress unit it, so I can't advise on that.

Find a good friend in whom you can confide, and start telling them the story. Just talking to someone else can be immensely helpful, can bring clarity. Posting on this site does that too, at least it does for me; if it does for you keep posting here.

[maxsterling]

Cerulean - that sounds rough  :'(.  We are here for you  .

The reality is, where you are is likely a place I will be someday, and maybe everyone on this message board.  We love and try and love and try again, every angle, and still they put the failure on us.  And eventually we get to a point where we know we can't win, where we know we are dying inside, and we know we have no other options.   The "hook" of these relationships sometimes is in that they have such a different view of reality from us that we feel we must try and explain ourselves or at least try and understand what is going on.  We feel we need some sort of closure - and that sounds like what you are searching for now.  It's painful to be sitting alone knowing he is blaming you for the failure when you put so much effort and heartache into your marriage.  And that's what you eventually have to accept - that he has a different reality and there is nothing you can do about that.  All you can do is hold firm to your reality, and use your time and space to heal yourself. 

I will second the suggestion to find a good friend and just hang out with that person.  Maybe go for a drive, pamper yourself in some way, or see a movie. 

Take care of yourself - and trust that you are a good person and did what you could, and the rest is beyond your control.

[Ceruleanblue]

Today has been rough. The hardest part is knowing that all of my efforts, research, trying to myself learn new behaviors in order to set him off less... .none of it was effective enough. I mean, I guess I could have just kept sucking it up, and kept taking more and more abuse, but it was escalating so badly. He crossed two serious boundaries, in the last three weeks, and I just realized that I have to take a stand. I'll lose the last shred of my self respect if I don't.

His reality is not even in the same ballpark as mine(or really anyone's reality). He skews things that make no sense. He twists things, and only believes what HE wants. Most things, I try not to argue with him about, but when he is telling me what MY thoughts or MY actions mean, that becomes so hard for me. Only I get to say what I am thinking, and what my motives are. And of course, to him, all my actions and thoughts are rotten. He doesn't want to see my kindness, effort, or any of the things he initially fell in love with. He even now mocks my being a Christian.

He called today several times, but I was just not up to talking to him. I got all tense and panicky after he called, and we didn't even talk. I felt guilty and bad for letting it just ring, but I wasn't up to the hostility or blame, or the possible fake nice. I couldn't go either way, but I'm not up to either. Whenever we've had trouble in the past, he always won't pick up his phone, and it's always me calling him. I know he is going to think I'm being vengeful, but I can't help what he thinks, and I truly am not doing it for that reason. I just feel more contact with him right now, is going to push me further away.

I want us to work, but I can't keep taking the abuse, and blame, and putting in all the effort while he does zero towards making his behaviors better. I look for effort on his part, but I see none, which is why I became so hopeless. I have accepted that he has BPD, or APD, and that he is also hugely narcissistic. I am radically accepting of that, and realize I can't change it, but I was accepting of it before the abuse became so bad. Now that it has reached a level I'm not okay with, he needs to back it down, or get help. I've done so much to make this work, including letting his grown daughters be hateful to me, but I get no credit.

I think he wanted to come home tonight. It's way too soon for me. I'm not even sure this marriage can be sustained, because when I tell him I'm committed to us, to him, he shoots that down, and he tells me he is not that committed. So why does he want to come home, and why does he keep calling. It feels like a cruel, sick game. I always feel like he is toying with my emotions... .

[DreamFlyer99]

Ceruleanblue,

I do know what you're talking about. All the trying, all the giving, when our partner isn't reciprocating. That's a tailspin we get into as we're trying to Be Their Answer, and we can't. They're the only one who can deal with the pain they're feeling inside. And that pain can eat us up if we let it.

It's really hard to have good boundaries when we get so tired from the anger and false reality we're receiving. If you think about it, (i'm a Christian too) Jesus had boundaries. When he saw the moneychangers using the temple for their own gain his actions backed up his belief. I had a terrible time with boundaries myself because I was overusing the "grace" part of my beliefs, and getting hurt badly. You are aware of the need for your boundaries and that is awesome--God doesn't expect us to get abused out of another person's sickness. He expects us to love others as we first love ourselves, and healthy boundaries are a huge part of that. We need to be willing to care for ourselves in the same loving, gracious, supportive, good-boundaried way we love others.

It's hard to remember that his words he throws at you come out of his pain in himself, they really aren't about you. Have you used the How to take a time out info for yourself yet when he is raging at you? If we stay and listen we end up giving them the permission to treat us without respect.

What you're feeling is really normal. I put myself in a really biiiig time out (since February) after my husband got disrespectful to the point that i felt in danger. And I was tense and panicky when he wanted to talk to me and i wouldn't talk to him. I needed the space for safety. That panic in you is telling you that you don't feel safe, right?

Have you read the article and workshop on Boundaries here? That helped me become aware of what i valued and was willing to make a boundary around to keep, and respect was way up on the list.

I really hate it too when people don't see me for who i am. And my (Christian) therapist tells me I care more about other people than I do about myself. When we care for ourselves well, spiritually, emotionally and physically, we are good enough in our own skin to not put as much importance on what others think of us. I'm working on that one.

Seriously, go get a massage, go for a walk and just look around you. Use your time for some self-care and reflection, and maybe give that Boundaries article another read.

df