Should I contact her counselor?

[Bear60]

Should I contact her counselor? Need some good advice.

We got into it again last night, she has wanted me to let her on this site and found out that I am coming here in private browsing. She feels I am hiding something from her, I said I could understand how she felt that way and all I can do is tell her that I am on this site. She says that is BS and I am wrong, that she is sharing everything with me, that she has signed a paper that I could contact her counselor. She doesn't like me on this site because I wont get an objective feed back here or from anyone else, you are not professionals. She feels she is completely open and honest with her counselor and that I am not being that way myself.

So should I contact her counselor? Should I mention BPD and what behaviors make me feel that way?

The two major reasons for not letting her know exactly what site I am on is that she would have a real problem with it being a BPD site and that this site is for non's. Should I let her on?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Bear60,

Wow. Your scenario is one that u have been fearing but not yet had to tackle with my uBPDw. The only thing that I can offer is to try and maintain clarity/connection to your own core values to define what this boundary means to you. As my wife has fears and suspicions about what support groups or classes I am going to, I have had to maintain a clear connection to my values. I am doing this out of self love/self care not out of anger at her. I am learning these lessons for my children's benefit and out of love for her and trying to stay in this marriage. This is a core value for me, so I have to have a boundary. She doesn't like it and she isn't wrong for her feelings. I don't know if this is a helpful analogy. I know that your answer may be different, but maybe it can help you to frame your response. SET might help allay her fears of what your are doing to be with her.

[Inquisitive1]

Bear60, your post is a bit confusing but seems to be asking two different questions.

1) Should you contact your wife's counselor to discuss your belief that your wife has BPD?

2) Your wife knows you're posting on a site, but not a BPD oriented site. Should you tell your wife that you post to bpdfamily.com?

Do I have your questions right?

I have kept my activity on this site secret from my wife, and I bet many others do as well. If your wife started reading this board and posting here, I think it would ruin it for you. So, I suggest not telling her, at least for the time being.

I like the suggestions of takingandsending. Setting the boundary, not divulging bpdfamily, but telling her it's for her and the family and that you love her. Using SET.

I'm not sure how best to proceed. You might tell her that her sessions with her therapist are private, and this site is private... .I don't think  that will work. You might tell her, she's right, this site does not include professionals, and you're going to start seeing a therapist. Try to shift her focus to that and or the two of you seeing a family therapist.

[tayana]

I wouldn't let her on this site.  Explain to her that it is a support site so you can learn how to better support and validate her.  This is a boundary you need for yourself.  My partner doesn't want me in her business and I don't let her in mine.

[Bear60]

Thank you all, I intend to keep the site confidential, for me as well as everyone else, I would not be able to be here if she had access and I need someplace to go.

She has said that I was welcome to her sessions but I feel uneasy about that, it is her councilor for her and me being there would more than likely cause her to stop going. She said she has signed a paper at the councilor so I could call.

[Bear60]

Sorry had to get off

I am not sure if I should talk to her counselor or what I might say. I am not sure what is really going on. uBPDw read something I have written and discussed it with her counselor and the response is beyond my reality. The story goes like this;

We went to the bar a couple weeks ago just for a drink and dinner because we didn't feel like fixing something at home. We ordered our drinks and visited a little while then ordered dinner. We started to watch the TV's and visit about what is on. We eat dinner and continue to watch the TV's and talking. Now another couple sit next to us at the bar, the women next to me and they are in front of the TV's. In the past I would become uncomfortable because this would be an issue for my wife but this is her issue and she is working on it. So we continue to watch the TV's and talking but shortly I notice she is no longer engaged with me and watching the band. Shortly after that I turn to her and start watching the band with her but she is ready to leave. She says she recognized the issue with the "blond good looking women" but she had handled it. Then the fight begins, I should have rewarded and supported her in this by turning away or moving. I told her this would be enabling.

Her side of the story is I had ignored her 90% of the evening and continued to look in the direction of the "blond with her boobs hanging out"

What gets me is she says her counselor told her that it would not be enabling and that I was being disrespectful to her.

She is also now telling me I need to get help, that it is my insecurity that started all this and causing our problems. That I need to work on all my issues that cant be somehow related to her. I ask what issues she is  seeing because I cant see them, she gets upset and says she cant believe I don't see them but wont give me anything to go on. One issue is a lack of intimacy that she feels is all my issue, yes there is a lack of intimacy but maybe it has something to do with all the craziness she does?

[Inquisitive1]

Bear60, so much of what you write is similar to what I've experienced. The jealousy, the asking you to go into therapy, the claims that other people view you/me as dysfuntional.

My wife has also blamed all her stuff on me and told me I needed therapy. I'm going to give my own therapy a try. Lord knows I'm not perfect and I could use help with this situation. I tried one therapist a couple weeks back and wasn't impressed. So I'm going to try another one in the next couple of weeks. It might be worth give therapy a try and see if you can get something from it.

I'm not that surprising that your wife's T said that. After all, she's only heard your wife's side of the story, the pwBPD side of the story. I've found my wife likes to adjust her telling of any given event to maximize sympathy from others, I wonder if this isn't common among pwBPD.

[Bear60]

Inquisitive1, I am afraid that this is my second trip into OZ, I am not a professional therapist but what I learned the first time and relearning is this IS common with BPD. In my first marriage I heard all the same stuff, when I talked about seeing someone then she felt she needed to go with me because I wouldn't be honest and she was afraid they would just tell me to leave. What I am hearing now is very similar and she has made comments that she doesn't want a second counselor that may contradict each other. I can understand that, there lays the question, who is being open, who will take constructive opinion. As we know if someone has BPD then they will most likely be less open and more reactive to contradictions to their perspective.

I did go to a counselor with my first wife, when I went they asked why I was there and what they could do for me. I said give me a lobotomy so I could think right. I had been told so long that my thinking was wrong, that everything was me and I needed some help. After a few sessions the counselor told me they couldn't really see anything wrong with me and that they thought my wife might be BPD. At the beginning of the next session I asked how they could suggest that my wife was BPD, they had never seen her, that this was bothering me. That's when I began learning about BPD, they advised I get the book "I hate you, don't leave me" and I found this site. I did stay in the relationship for another year trying to work on it but things didn't work out.

So now I am trying to figure out what is what and what I can and need to do.

will post more, thank you all for being here.

[Bear60]

It has been a very long weekend, another sleepless night, I am getting so tired of the same things over and over. It is getting worse the stronger I am sticking to my boundaries; not having discussion when she is drinking, not enabling and not getting angry (most of the time). That is a hard one, a person can only take so much but I am getting better. I started getting angry and then walked away. That really gets her, I think she feels justified in her behavior when I get upset.

She really push last night, (sarcasm) - She's cured - she is a strong, confidant, secure women. She is not taking any more from me, I really need to get help for my insecurity, I am keeping her down because I don't want her secure. If I don't talk tonight then she is done, it's bs, I am controlling because its not convenient for me to talk right then. I need to fight for this marriage, by not talking only proves to her I don't want the marriage. She says someday when she is gone I will look back on the wonderful women I lost. I need to chase after her, take her in my arms and tell her how much I want her. How my journaling is wrong (she keeps getting ahold of it) its only negative and hurtful. She keeps telling me that all she has heard is negative from me, I said I am not verbally being negative towards her, she is getting all that from reading what she should not be reading or understand what was written. She has a problem with me being on this site telling the whole world about our problems, there are sick people out there that could find out who we are. She says her counselor thinks it wrong of me to be here because of how much it bothers her.

Today we are talking some, she thinks we would be better off separated and I suggest maybe we could look into the therapeutic separation, she has agreed to couples counseling, we have agreed on two possible counselors, I will contact them to see which one to try. I will ask what their opinion on therapeutic separation as well as their experience with BPD and if they are willing to take on possible BPD.

[Inquisitive1]

Good luck Bear60, it seems like your boundaries are causing her to escalate.

Her getting a hold of journaling is definitely a problem. I generally prefer to come at things straight on, but if she won't respect the privacy of a journal, you may have to get a bit sneaky to keep it private.

[takingandsending]

Bear60,

It is getting worse the stronger I am sticking to my boundaries; not having discussion when she is drinking, not enabling and not getting angry (most of the time). That is a hard one, a person can only take so much but I am getting better. I started getting angry and then walked away. That really gets her, I think she feels justified in her behavior when I get upset.

I am glad that you are taking care of your needs and respecting your values for the emotional context you need for discussion to take place. A couple of observations, meant in a positive way: 1) I don't think not getting angry (any of the time) is what you want to aim for. It may be that you are confusing not taking things personally with not getting angry. I really liked ziniztar's recent post about the emotional factory. You are 100% okay to feel angry, particularly if you are being attacked. And I am finding that most of my life, I have repressed my anger. When it comes to expressing what I need, I often don't get the support I need from people around me when I am angry, because I express something else (fear, sadness, etc.). What I am trying to say is, you are okay to feel angry, and as much as possible, let yourself feel it. 2) I am learning that I have to accept that making a decision to disconnect for my own personal safety/self-care can be invalidating for my uBPDw. So, it is not surprising that she would feel justified in feeling ____ at you when you disconnect. Does that sound like the right dynamic you experience? If you are doing SET, you might be able to talk to her about that, let her know that you understand her feeling of ____ when you walk away, but let her know it works best for you both if you do walk away before escalating in reaction.

by not talking only proves to her I don't want the marriage. She says someday when she is gone I will look back on the wonderful women I lost. I need to chase after her, take her in my arms and tell her how much I want her. How my journaling is wrong (she keeps getting ahold of it) its only negative and hurtful. She keeps telling me that all she has heard is negative from me, I said I am not verbally being negative towards her, she is getting all that from reading what she should not be reading or understand what was written. She has a problem with me being on this site telling the whole world about our problems, there are sick people out there that could find out who we are. She says her counselor thinks it wrong of me to be here because of how much it bothers her.

By her words, it seems she is saying, I feel invalidated because you won't talk to me. pwBPD have a gift for finding invalidation. I have been in this exact same place with my wife more times than I care to think about. I think it has only started to get a tiny bit better for me when I began to acknowledge how my silence (to attacks), which was my desperate attempt to not escalate the mess by repressing what I was feeling, is a form of invalidating. I try to be quicker to validation and SET before things go off the rails, and I try to let her know that I am taking care of my needs when I walk away. If she says I am weak or insensitive, I will validate her hurt, see how I might feel hurt if I felt she were stonewalling me, and let her know I am doing it for my own self care. I offer to come back when we both feel less stimulated.

The other superpower that pwBPD have is thinking in absolutes. I still totally get tripped by this one, even when I know that is what is happening. So your wife stating that all you ever express is negative is likely a hugely inaccurate statement. I don't think you can change her thinking. The only positive here is if you can bring the stress level in your relationship down, those types of communication gems will reduce in frequency. (At least I sure am hoping that they will in my house!  ) I still grind my teeth when my wife makes those all or nothing statements. At some point, I will have to look at my own response and see why it so completely triggers me. I feel for what you are experiencing. I hope you have a better day today and keep taking the small steps to improve your own health and well being.

[Bear60]

Inquisitive1

She already feels I am being secretive and that it is only making things worse. She thinks I am sabotaging her by journaling and posting here. I try to validate her feelings about this but(there is that awful word) all I can get from her is that I either need to stop journaling/posting or I need to let her read the journal or let her on her.

takingandsending

I only walk away when I have become angry in order to not make things worse, most of the time I express I understand her feelings and offer to come back when WE both are less stimulated. That only seems to escalate her.

Thank you both, I have to go for now but will be back. I need all the help I can get and this is about the only place I can at this moment.

[takingandsending]

Hi Bear60.

Sounds like you are doing the right things with your boundaries and communicating them clearly and consistently. 

I don't think there's much you can do if she escalates at that point, other than accept that it feels invalidating or frightening to her.

Keep communicating clearly that your needs to journal or post here are your needs. Again, you may have to accept the feelings this triggers in her. It's her choice. All that you can do is validate, communicate your core values through boundary and be consistent. I appreciate what work you are putting into this. Hope you can keep your outlet here without the drama. No fun. I may go through this myself, so I also appreciate your willingness to share your experience.