I need your opinion

[mama m]

I want our family to make healthy decisions/choices.

So please let me know if you think this all sounds healthy?

My husband has gone LC with his family

-polite,

-remembers birthdays,

-politely and simply responds to emails

- not engaging in a deep conversation

- does not allow them to visit us (we live 3 hours away)

-  does not allow the kids and I to visit them without his presence.

- is open to a more 'friendly' relationship. if an honest & loving relationship can take place (unfortunately, which he doesn't believe will ever happen) 

-he has NOT told them he has gone LC. he is just doing this and letting them figure it out. says spelling it out will only start drama/yelling/blaming and not an honest conversation.

-at some point will he not have to spell it out? someday they will ask "why can we not visit you?"

he says he will just ignore the question and continue on.

Thank you in advance!


ps: (He would go NC, but I have stepped in here. We are early 30s and our kids are small. There is a huge future ahead of us and NC seems to be a very permanent decision, since we know they will most likely not change (to many enablers)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

MAMA M

I think he is approaching the LC in a very good way. Can I ask why he feels this is necessary? As time goes on I think you will all have difficulties with this policy. What happens when his parents become old and need assistance? Who will be the one that helps them is there old age? Further what happens when they want to visit for your kids bdays? Graduations? etc... .I am not sure he can keep to this LC all the time. I also do not think there is much you can do if he believes it is necessary in some way. I tend to feel that each of you need to call the shots regarding each other families.

I would be more interested in reading why he has done this... .

[lever.]

I was also wondering this. Is a family member diagnosed with BPD.

This particular board is for parents trying to support children with BPD and I wonder if you might get a better response on [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.

It is sad when relationships break down but sometimes people do feel that the only option is to distance themselves.

It would help to know more of your situation to direct you to the best help.

If he IS feeling low contact is necessary I think that it is good that he is trying to do it without a lot of drama.

Does he discuss his reasons with you?  

[mama m]

I apologize I posted this in the wrong board.

LC for us does mean allowing them to be present at all of our kid's major life events.

He is doing this because he was raised by his BPD mom and enabling Dad. He has 6 siblings. She sees all her girls as all 'good' so it should it not be problem if at old age. If not, I would be there in a heart beat. This isn't meant to be malicious this is meant to protect our family.

The idea of LC is keep the door open for hopefully possibly healing in the future. Going NC I think would be much harder to come back from.

He does not want his kids around the dysfunction he grew up with. He wants the cycle to end with his kids.