Introduction

[Monk0778]

Hi! I'm a lesbian female currently in a relationship with a lady who has borderline personality disorder. We have been together for five years and it has been a struggle. I love this woman and I am looking for ways to improve our relationship. I have joined this forum in hopes of educating myself about this disorder and finding ways to improve our relationship as well as find support for myself from others who are in the same situation as myself. My partner is currently in the hospital after suffering yet another borderline episode which became out of control and very violent. Dealing with this disorder on a daily basis has left me drained and exhausted and I am very grateful I have found this forum and I welcome any information that may be helpful to my partner and I. Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

Welcome, Monk0778!

Exhausting is the truth for me too with my undiagnosed husband who has loads of the traits of BPD. It's so difficult because a person suffering with BPD comes from such a different way of looking at things, and sometimes that just doesn't make sense to us. They have a fear of being abandoned deep within, and lack a strong sense of who they are as a person, and often look to others for that. It's complicated, because any two people in a relationship are going to both have wounds and those can clash. It's tough.

What sorts of ways does the BPD play out with your partner? The fact that you feel drained and exhausted yet want to be there for her shows what a kind heart you have! Your support can be such a help, and the tools and skills you can learn here will hopefully help you get to a less exhausted place.

This is an excellent overview and perspective piece: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

You can definitely get the support and help you need here in the bpdfamily community, i'm glad you found us. 

[Monk0778]

I'm glad I found this place too! To answer your question about how the BPD plays out in my partner is pretty much this: She has a major fear of abandonment yet she pushes me away in many ways. Self sabbatage(misp?) it seems. She is very jealous and accusatory, requires a lot of attention and has violent episodes of rage in which she is very verbally abusive. When she gets this way she calls me names, says she hates me and she wishes I would die, and accuses me of things I would never do. She behaves very in appropriately. Sometimes it happens in front of others and I find it very embarrassing.It's like she's someone I don't know. Afterwards when she has had time to calm down she feels bad and is very apologetic and hates what she has done but then the damage has already been done. She says she didn't mean anything she said and that she can't control this from happening.A lot of times when she has these episodes she cuts or injures herself and becomes suicidal at times. These episodes come from nowhere and I never know what will set her off. I tend to have to walk on eggshells. It seems as if she loves me and I'm the greatest thing On earth or she hates me... .there's no in between. Most of the time she is a very kind, loving person. She has these episodes of rage about once a month and she is just out of control. She has been in therapy for the past five years and at times it seems things are getting better but then out of the blue another episode will happen. She always blames it on me and says it's something I've done or haven't done to cause it only to take it back later when she has calmed down. I usually end up feeling like its my fault and that I could have done something differently and maybe it wouldn't have happened. In reality I know that it's the BPD. This is a devastating disease. It's hard on everyone involved. I wish I could help her. I know she doesn't want to act this way and she must be feeling terrible when the BPD rears it's ugly head. I want to make things better and easier on her but a lot of the time I end up making things worse somehow

[maxen]

hi Monk0778 and i join Dreamflyer in saying 

She has a major fear of abandonment yet she pushes me away in many ways.

yes, that certainly is characteristic of BPD. yet you show great humanity when you say

I know she doesn't want to act this way and she must be feeling terrible when the BPD rears it's ugly head.

this is a great crux for those of us who are in r/ss with pwBPD: at what point do we recognize their genuine issues, yet need to take account of our own well-being? (you are lucky in the sense that you know now that BPD is present; i didn't during my marriage.) are you able to talk your situation out with friends or a counselor? do you have a routine for self-care? please keep posting Monk0778!

[DreamFlyer99]

Monk,

Your partner is certainly more self-aware than my husband, but that is probably because of the 5 years of therapy she's had. My undiagnosed husband would never dream of apologizing for his behavior (which sounds pretty much identical to your partner's) and only wonders why I don't just get over it.

Her awareness is HUGE. Her initial response is to blame you for whatever bad happened (a BPD behavior for sure) but then she knows that wasn't the truth when she comes back to her own mind. And it is like they're somebody else in those rages/tantrums which is a part of the dissociative aspect of the disorder. Here's a fascinating discussion about BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria that should shed some light on what's going on during those rages.

Your relationship has something that most of us in relationship with someone suffering from BPD don't have, that awareness and recognition of "the truth of the matter" once she has passed through the rage. And since she is the one who is learning how to behave differently (recognition being on the road to cutting off the behavior when it starts) you will probably have more success in building some boundaries to protect how you want to be treated. Those will highlight to her your intentions for the relationship. This is awesome!

Boundaries can certainly be made in love and kindness, they are simply an action on your part to show how you will and won't be treated. This is a great article and workshop on the subject of boundaries that can help you figure out where you want to start, my first boundary was about my valuing Respect in my relationship: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Let me know what you think! I learned so much from it, but you may be farther along than I was. (I think our dogs were farther along in establishing boundaries than I was! )