A tiny step into the right direction (SS7 & school)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just wanted to post some slightly good news this morning.

A couple of days ago, my husband was asked by SS7's teacher to come over for a talk about his son. As he wasn't available, he sent me to go.

Well, what I heard was not really empowering. He's lacking social skills, he spends mornings just crying and shouting how he doesn't want to read/write/do whatever in class and he's really needy of both his teachers' attention, searching for physical contact (even doing his obligatory kitten and puppy noises, which he usually does when he's back from uBPDmom EOW. It's a sign of "look at me, love me, I'M cute" which was the only option to get her attention for a long time. The teachers had no idea what to think about it, but were understanding when I explained it) and doesn't work unless one of them is sitting right next to him, motivating him. He tends to be a little drama queen when he has to do stuff he doesn't want to do. The teachers (they are working a co-teaching scheme, so that there are almost always 2 teachers in the room) say they just don't have the capacity to fulfill his needs, as there are 28 kids in class. At some times he just falls asleeps on his table when he's done acting out and crying (it must be exhausting i guess. Add his Jactatio Corporis Nocturna, and you have a really tired kid). But they feel like it might get better with every week. His tantrums don't happen that often anymore, his writing becomes better (we're practicing a lot at home, which costs some nerves as he behaves the same way when we try to motivate him to improve his skills... we found out that LOTS and LOTS of praise help, and for every day of homework without drama he gets a Kinder Egg). After 3 weeks of school, he got so much better at writing, reading and maths, he's so proud of himself when he can present his teacher his homework and get yet another praise from her. He says "I see how I get better at writing with every word I write and I feel all the drama isn't worth it".

After having them tell me what was going on in SS' life the past few years (8 times moving into other towns/appartments, foster care, back to mom, move to us, having to repeat the 1st grade, almost no contact with other kids etcetcetc.) they showed a very understanding side for his behavior and saw that everyone here is doing their best to show him structures and unconditional love. They even verbalized that they see we're doing everthing that's possible to help him get through this very rough phase and asked me if me and my husband were open for talks about SS' ongoing process from time to time, just go give and get a feedback.

When I went out, I was very content and proud of how much better he's doing after such a small amount of time. He's lacking self-esteem in such an extreme way, he always needs to be praised and we just need to go on with little steps. We're doing great.

I did NOT in ANY WAY blame his mother for any of this. I just explained the situation neutrally and focused on OUR household, which was hard at times because I felt I didn't find the right words, but I felt it necessary for the teachers to see that we (DH and I) want a cooperation (which we really want) between school, uBPDmom and us.

[catclaw]

I just wanted to post some slightly good news this morning.

A couple of days ago, my husband was asked by SS7's teacher to come over for a talk about his son. As he wasn't available, he sent me to go.

Well, what I heard was not really empowering. He's lacking social skills, he spends mornings just crying and shouting how he doesn't want to read/write/do whatever in class and he's really needy of both his teachers' attention, searching for physical contact (even doing his obligatory kitten and puppy noises, which he usually does when he's back from uBPDmom EOW. It's a sign of "look at me, love me, I'M cute" which was the only option to get her attention for a long time. The teachers had no idea what to think about it, but were understanding when I explained it) and doesn't work unless one of them is sitting right next to him, motivating him. He tends to be a little drama queen when he has to do stuff he doesn't want to do. The teachers (they are working a co-teaching scheme, so that there are almost always 2 teachers in the room) say they just don't have the capacity to fulfill his needs, as there are 28 kids in class. At some times he just falls asleeps on his table when he's done acting out and crying (it must be exhausting i guess. Add his Jactatio Corporis Nocturna, and you have a really tired kid). But they feel like it might get better with every week. His tantrums don't happen that often anymore, his writing becomes better (we're practicing a lot at home, which costs some nerves as he behaves the same way when we try to motivate him to improve his skills... we found out that LOTS and LOTS of praise help, and for every day of homework without drama he gets a Kinder Egg). After 3 weeks of school, he got so much better at writing, reading and maths, he's so proud of himself when he can present his teacher his homework and get yet another praise from her. He says "I see how I get better at writing with every word I write and I feel all the drama isn't worth it".

After having them tell me what was going on in SS' life the past few years (8 times moving into other towns/appartments, foster care, back to mom, move to us, having to repeat the 1st grade, almost no contact with other kids etcetcetc.) they showed a very understanding side for his behavior and saw that everyone here is doing their best to show him structures and unconditional love. They even verbalized that they see we're doing everthing that's possible to help him get through this very rough phase and asked me if me and my husband were open for talks about SS' ongoing process from time to time, just go give and get a feedback.

When I went out, I was very content and proud of how much better he's doing after such a small amount of time. He's lacking self-esteem in such an extreme way, he always needs to be praised and we just need to go on with little steps. We're doing great.

I did NOT in ANY WAY blame his mother for any of this. I just explained the situation neutrally and focused on OUR household, which was hard at times because I felt I didn't find the right words, but I felt it necessary for the teachers to see that we (DH and I) want a cooperation (which we really want) between school, uBPDmom and us.

[david]

Make sure you keep the teachers informed with any progress you see and anything you think they can help with.

Our youngest struggled the first year in kindergarten. I thought he wasn't ready and should have gone to a pre k program. XBPDw was primary custodial parent and the courts over ruled me. He repeated kindergarten. He did fine the second time.

I picked him up the first day of first grade. He seemed happy and I asked him how his day went. The first thing out of his mouth was how three boys he knew the first year in kindergarten were in his first grade class. He went on and it became obvious that he thouth he was stupid for repeating kindergarten. His confidence soared. He just started 5th grade and is doing extremely well.

Stay focused on SS7 and things do get better.