Advising Family of BPDw on how to get along with her?

[Inquisitive1]

My dBPDw is visiting with her family without me. They don't know her diagnosis, but have experienced her behavior. They live out of town, and the last couple of visits haven't gone well. She has really struggled over the last couple of years, and seems more calm since she left her job several weeks ago. I have hopes this visit will go better.

One barrier is that she feels unloved by her sister and sister's family. The sister is frustrated with my wife. And I think that combo could start them off on the wrong foot.

I'm tempted to call my brother-in-law and tell him that she's in a better place than she has been, but she's sensitive and if they could show her a little love that'd help their visit.

Or, should I just shut up more.

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[formflier]

My dBPDw is visiting with her family without me. They don't know her diagnosis, but have experienced her behavior. They live out of town, and the last couple of visits haven't gone well. She has really struggled over the last couple of years, and seems more calm since she left her job several weeks ago. I have hopes this visit will go better.

One barrier is that she feels unloved by her sister and sister's family. The sister is frustrated with my wife. And I think that combo could start them off on the wrong foot.

I'm tempted to call my brother-in-law and tell him that she's in a better place than she has been, but she's sensitive and if they could show her a little love that'd help their visit.

Or, should I just shut up more.

There have been several postings about dealing with inlaws lately.

Have you read those? 

What is the potential downside of calling?

[Inquisitive1]

I don't really see much of a downside to talking to my brother-in-law, but I'm concerned about unforseen consequences.

Maybe I'll text him and ask him to call when he gets the chance.

[waverider]

Odds are if they are not familiar with BPD it will mean nothing and just frustrate you.

I gave my inlaws copies of Stop Walking on eggshells, as far as I can tell they never read it as they were always "too busy" and will "get around to it" when they have time. Kind of sums up the FOO situation really. Prefer to judge than take the time to understand.

The point I am getting at is that it can add an all new level of frustration for you that you don't need. You can also easily get caught up in the whole family originated triangulations.

Somewhere along the way you are likely to cop drama for interfering/betraying/going behind her back etc

[Inquisitive1]

ha ha, now that I read Waverider's post, that's the stuff of which I was unconsciously concerned. By giving advise, I'd be implying they didn't treat my wife right and that might ruffle some feathers and/or make things worse. Probably best to just let it unfold.

I spoke to my brother-in-law yesterday to get directions and I think he was expecting me to say something about how they treat my wife. when I didn't I think that might have actually smoothed things out a bit.

I did tell my wife she should call me if she got frustrated and try not to vent on her FOO.

That's me, once again successfully implementing "just shut up more."