"She was a nightmare"

[joshbjoshb]

My wife uses a lot of rejection terms. "Go away from me" to children when she is busy and needs space. This morning I wasn't home. She called me to find out about something, then she said that our daughter "was a nightmare". She is only 3.5, but knowing my mother in law, this is how she always spoke to her children - a lot of rejection.

So later on today I brought it up and asked her not to use those terms as they will make our daughter not feel good.

She said "it's okay. She will grow up and look for help" (I guess hinting to herself).

I said: "What if she won't want to ask for help?" (playing along - again referring to her)

She said: "well someone else will need to help her" (referring to me).

Ha.

But sad.

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[vortex of confusion]

The non verbal stuff can feel just as rejecting to a kid. My kids have said that a lot about my husband. He is too busy to play with them. He will get snappy. He will say he is going to do something but never follow through. He argues with the kids as though he is a kid himself. I don't really notice him saying too many negative things directly but the kids get the message.

I know I have said stuff like, "Man, the kids are getting on my nerves or being little hellions" and stuff like that but it feels different because of the fact that I have a very secure relationship with the kids. He doesn't so the kids take his words very, very differently. A lot of times, kids hear all of the things that you don't say. 

[takingandsending]

joshb and vortex,

Children feel their parent's intent a lot more than we realize, spoken or unspoken. joshb, if your wife is saying these things often, yes, it is negative and they will create a meaning behind it - mom doesn't like me, something is wrong with me, I must have done something wrong. It really is not much different for a nonBPD creating meaning behind frequent invalidation from their BPD partner. If the comments are once in awhile exceptions, then the trust and rapport will not lead to creating a strong meaning.

Luckily, children are really resilient and don't give up on us parents so easily.  It's the sword that cuts both ways.

[maxsterling]

Hmm.  I think people, not just children, pick up on negativity.  It's interesting you bring this up, because my fiancé is a teacher, and her students obviously pick up on her negative moods.

I worry about us having kids.  I think she can curtail the more obvious abuse and the swearing and she will think the rest is okay.  But, I don't think she realizes the effect a constant negative attitude has on a child.  She typically uses terms like "disgusting", "rotten", "horrible", "gross" and "ugly".  How would a 4 year old child feel if his or her mother came in and said, "your room is disgusting, clean it up."?  Or if we go out to eat, and hearing mom say, "that food was nasty."  Next think I know, my child would be going around calling things disgusting or nasty.  I don't want that.