Not sure what to do with this mess that only one with BPD could create...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BG:  DH was told that DSD was his so he married BPD mom after a one night stand.  He did not find out until a few years ago that DSD is not biologically his (his name is on the birth certificate, he went through the pregnancy with her, etc).  Knowing who BPD mom was dating right before him, and looking at both DSD and the guy, he is pretty confident he is the father.  Problem is, BPD mom is telling both DSD and everyone else that her bio dad is someone else entirely (and you only have to look at skin color to know she is lying about it).  And like I have said before, DSD seems to believe everything that BPD mom says.

DSD is almost 18.  DH feels that the guy has a right to know he has a child and is questioning his moral obligation here.  He is also wondering if this would open a Pandora's box he doesn't want to deal with.

It IS possible, maybe even likely, that the guy, once finding out, will do nothing with the information.  He has his own family.

In terms of thinking of best interest of DSD, we really have no idea.  On one hand, I think she is curious and wants to know.  On another hand, I think she wants to maintain her denial about BPD mom.

Thoughts? 

[sanemom]

BG:  DH was told that DSD was his so he married BPD mom after a one night stand.  He did not find out until a few years ago that DSD is not biologically his (his name is on the birth certificate, he went through the pregnancy with her, etc).  Knowing who BPD mom was dating right before him, and looking at both DSD and the guy, he is pretty confident he is the father.  Problem is, BPD mom is telling both DSD and everyone else that her bio dad is someone else entirely (and you only have to look at skin color to know she is lying about it).  And like I have said before, DSD seems to believe everything that BPD mom says.

DSD is almost 18.  DH feels that the guy has a right to know he has a child and is questioning his moral obligation here.  He is also wondering if this would open a Pandora's box he doesn't want to deal with.

It IS possible, maybe even likely, that the guy, once finding out, will do nothing with the information.  He has his own family.

In terms of thinking of best interest of DSD, we really have no idea.  On one hand, I think she is curious and wants to know.  On another hand, I think she wants to maintain her denial about BPD mom.

Thoughts? 

[gherkins]

I think that all options are possible.  DSD knows your husband as her dad, and not the alleged biodad (probably not too alleged, but you know what I'm trying to say).  What happens if your husband tells her who her biodad is?  Is their relationship strong enough to survive a scenario in which the biodad DOES want to be involved?  I work with someone who is in a similar situation, and the newcomer is trying to get involved in the children's lives.  The kids don't like the biodad, and he seems to be doing this only to get back at their real dad.  Knowing BPD mom, is she likely to try to engineer a scenario like this?

[sanemom]

I think that all options are possible.  :)SD knows your husband as her dad, and not the alleged biodad (probably not too alleged, but you know what I'm trying to say).  What happens if your husband tells her who her biodad is?  Is their relationship strong enough to survive a scenario in which the biodad DOES want to be involved?  I work with someone who is in a similar situation, and the newcomer is trying to get involved in the children's lives.  The kids don't like the biodad, and he seems to be doing this only to get back at their real dad.  Knowing BPD mom, is she likely to try to engineer a scenario like this?

DSD was told when she was 8 that DH is not her biodad, but to keep that secret from him.  :)H did not find out until five years later that he was not her biodad.  BPD mom has done some pretty good parental alienation with DSD... .almost to the point that DH has given up for now to have a decent relationship with her.  It really is a sad situation.  He raised her as primary while BPD mom lived far away for 9 years of her life, but she is so enmeshed with BPD mom that she rarely comes over anymore.

BPD mom is claiming someone else entirely is her biodad.  She does not want anyone in her family to know who the real biodad is because he has a different ethnicity.  She already used this mess to get back at DH for marrying me... .she already hurt him with this as much as she can.

So no, their relationship is not strong right now, but I am not even sure if DH cares about that anymore.  He is trying to focus on his relationship with the kids who he has a good relationship with at this point to make sure that BPD mom doesn't ruin those relationships, too (he is still primary of their boys).

[gherkins]

Lord, what a boondoggle.  I wouldn't notify the biodad, just because it sounds like BPD mom is doing exactly what you said, furthering the alienation.  Plus, it sounds like she could be lying about who the real biodad is.

I wish you a whole lot of patience in dealing with your kiddos.

[livednlearned]

Why not just let D17 decide when and if she wants to know? It sounds like there are enough hints for her to follow if she wants. This is more about her, no? She's almost 18 and it's her parentage, her truth to seek, I would think.

You and your H probably come across too much as having an axe to grind at this point, in her worldview, and have been in this weird intersection about your own hurts and harms when it comes to hers.

Is it hard to step away?

[sanemom]

Is it hard to step away?

No, actually 85% of me really wants to step away and just let BPD mom and DSD do whatever they do.  Then every once in a while a nagging voice comes into play and makes me wonder if I am doing it for the right reasons.  My reasoning?  I like not dealing with the drama.  I don't want us to look like the bad guys.  It all just feels like selfish reasons.

Then I think if I were the parent with a child out there I didn't know about, I would want to know.  Of course, unless I was in a coma for 9 months that would not happen to me so I am probably not even qualified to make that empathetic leap.  So if we have no moral obligation to let him know, I am fine with that.  I just want to make sure we don't.

[Nope]

Then I think if I were the parent with a child out there I didn't know about, I would want to know.  Of course, unless I was in a coma for 9 months that would not happen to me so I am probably not even qualified to make that empathetic leap.  So if we have no moral obligation to let him know, I am fine with that.  I just want to make sure we don't.

Can I ask what brings this up now? Your DH has known for at least a few years.

While, being women, neither of us are likely qualified to make the empathetic leap, I think if I was a male and didn't know I was a father, it would be more important to know that I had a child out there when they were a child. I might, maybe, like to have a relationship with an adult child who has grown up and been raised completely without me. But it would be far from the same relationship. When a child is a child there is a certain burden of responsibility that creates deep lifelong emotional ties. (Your DH is a perfect example of that.) This guy probably isn't ever going to feel that.

As for moral obligation; that rests solely on BPD mom. Essentially, what you are asking is if you should clean up yet another one of her messes. You have no responsibility to do that.