We were about to breakup. Now she is pregnant.

[futureboy]

I always thought something was odd about her. But she is literally the only woman in my life that I have been hard-wired attracted to, even after a decade.

Anyway we have been together for over a year, but most of that was while I was overseas, so I only saw her every few months. Now that I am back home, I quickly realized how bad this relationship is for me and wanted to terminate. But then I found out she is eight weeks pregnant, she wants to keep it even if we break up, and her entire family is filled with lawyers so I am going to be up against the firing squad. She absolutely did this deliberately.

I should have seen the warning signs, but that's not I important now.

I am picking her up from the airport tonight after her recent trip to Europe over the last few weeks. Rather than take her to my place, we are going to her place to drop off her stuff. And then I shall end things.

I just hope if I end things right now, she will terminate the pregnancy. The image of the "single mother" is very stigmatizing, especially when finding a mate is tough enough in this city (something I could never figure out given how attractive she is). But somehow I fear she is going to cling to this baby with everything she has because it will never leave her and she can give it an amazing life. She's so delusional! She thinks this will make us stronger, even though she knows our relationship is on the verge of collapse.

But hey, I either get out now or I will be miserable for the rest of my days. Worst case, next year I can say I have reproduced, and I hust have to figure out how the hell I am going to afford child support payments.

Is there anything I can say to a pregnant, 32 year-old BPD to convince her to terminate her pregnancy? I know this question is somewhat messed up, as many people would consider having a child to be a blessing, but I don't want her to be the mother of my children, and I think the idea of having a child is the worst idea possible for the two of us right now.

Who am I kidding. There hasn't been an "us" in a while now. It's just been her, with me along for the ride.

[Infern0]

You got hard proof she's pregnant or just the "word" of a liar?

Make sure it's actually true before deciding anything else.

As with all of these cases if she is pregnant sorry mate but it's your responsibility to raise your kid in the best way you can.

[futureboy]

She definitely is. I went to the clinic with her to confirm, and I'm 99% sure it's mine. Of course we will have a paternity test if she carries it to term.

I've talked to many of my friends, mostly female, about this situation. They all agree it was done intentionally on her part, and more importantly they say that while I cannot choose if she keeps this child, I can choose if I want to be involved in her life or the baby's. And I'm happy to let her take 100% responsibility.

[catnap]

She definitely is. I went to the clinic with her to confirm, and I'm 99% sure it's mine. Of course we will have a paternity test if she carries it to term.

I've talked to many of my friends, mostly female, about this situation. They all agree it was done intentionally on her part, and more importantly they say that while I cannot choose if she keeps this child, I can choose if I want to be involved in her life or the baby's. And I'm happy to let her take 100% responsibility.

You can do a paternity test prior to delivery that only involves a blood draw from the mother.  www.prenatalgeneticscenter.com/services/prenatal-dna-paternity-test/

[hurting300]

Mine disappeared with our baby dude seriously get on that birth certificate if the baby is yours seriously. Because they have no respect for the fathers of there children.

[Indyan]

Mine disappeared with our baby dude seriously get on that birth certificate if the baby is yours seriously. Because they have no respect for the fathers of there children.

Hang on a minute.

The guy here is about to become a father, we're not talking about who will keep the cat.

I'd like to mention a few things that I think are of importance :

- First of all a BPD person is human being, and a pregnant woman needs support. Whether she is borderline or not is not the point (or else even more so), she needs YOU to support her. Full stop. And whether it was intentionate or not is irrelevant now.

- NOONE should talk a pregnant woman through having an abortion. She carries life in her and it's the worst thing someone can do to her (I've been through this myself). And it is likely to have an impact on the child too.

- The prospect of having a child with a BPD person may not be fantastic but it is not the devil incarnated, let's not exagerate or anticipate things. Talking of myself, although my pregnancy was indeed complicated at times (I found out about BPD at 6 months), we shared some fantastic moments. In fact, like the rest, it was either magical or chaos. But we DID have some magic moments, and in fact my BPDbf was at his best ever around birth.

- The prospect of having a baby can be extremely stressful, even when the other parent to be is not BPD. It has to do with our own traumas, our own fears.

I strongly advise you to go to counselling in order to work on you. I'm not saying that you have absolutely no reasons for being scared. But this baby (if the pregnancy carries on) deserves a decent welcoming, and you will have to be strong for the 3 of you. Maybe try to see why you feel like escaping so much. Yes, you'll go "it's because of her... .". I got that. But my therapist (while confirming BPD for my bf or stbx) questionned my tendency to run away from difficult situations, or situations that MAY get difficult. And learning to take life as it comes (with its lot of surprises), and not try to control every aspect of it - even lwhat cannot be controlled.

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm lecturing you  as I'm aware that my response is probably the opposite of what you wanted to hear right now.

Good luck :-)

[hurting300]

What you need is a good attorney ready to file papers for custody. That baby doesn't need to be raised by the mom. Trust me they do not care either way. Go get counseling if you must but be ready to hit the court room.

[Indyan]

What you need is a good attorney ready to file papers for custody. That baby doesn't need to be raised by the mom. Trust me they do not care either way. Go get counseling if you must but be ready to hit the court room.

To do what? Take baby from his mum?

What has she done to deserve this, she's not a serial killer!

Why not see things in the perspective of doing everything that can be done for her to have support so she can try and connect with her baby?

I have a question Futureboy : why do you say she's PBD? Has she been diagnosed?

You don't describe anything in her behaviour that's abusive. What happened that made you want to run away?

[hurting300]

Yes take the baby from the mother . Would you you want your child raised by a mentally ill person? And serial killer? Do your research friend, they are highly prone to violence. Get a lawyer unless you want to pay child support to b woman who will not put it towards the child.

[upsidedown_world]

If nothing else, your experience can serve as a warning to other men.

I agree, a BPD mom, although NOT a serial killer - is a hell of a sentence for the kid.  I've seen plenty of it with 3 teenagers at home.  Once a child reaches a certain age and they "want" to be their own person, they no longer fit into the BPD MO and their actions are processed as judgment/betrayal/rejection.  Then they become subject to the same type of abuse and tirades that the spouse/SO does.  I believe this is why SECOND generations develop BPD.  They can't develop in a healthy and respectful manner once they reach this stage and their psyche becomes damaged in a way that they spend the rest of their lives trying to compensate for.

However, I'm not an advocate for terminating pregnancy.  Adoption is always an option, based on "giving the baby the best life possible".  In that, you can help to shoulder the reason if you're departing the scene because you're unable to sustain your own well-being in the relationship.