Geez, and it was going so well...

[MaroonLiquid]

So after a great week and a half and my wife agreeing to counseling, now I'm painted black again (told her family I'm having an affair), and no communication.  This is all because she couldn't deal with all her destructive behaviors since she decided to get the house behind my back and cut me out of our family vacation.  Mid last week, she laid on the couch for 2 hours crying and feeling overwhelmed (wouldn't say why exactly, but mostly complained about her boss).  I just sat there, held her hand and let her talk.  She told me she didn't want me to leave (go back to my apartment at night) anymore.  She also told me that her mom was coming down for a month which her mom enables her behavior.  The problem is she has lied to her family about so many things about me, that she knows it is a deep whole to crawl out of.  I think she wanted me to "rescue" her, but I can't and didn't offer.  This is something she caused and I realize until she wants it, she won't do anything about it.  Anyway, after she dysregulated Friday as we were talking about the cruise and she said it didn't turn out the way she wanted   (but yet she cut me out of it), and the emotion from a couple of days ago all was hitting her at once.  I never argued, even told her that we needed a timeout once I knew the argument was going in circles.  I accidentally left my laptop at her house, and she went through it.  She has now kept my laptop because she found some things on there (searched for "how to hide an affair" as I thought that was what she was doing before I found this site a couple of months ago, and found BPD sites in my history), kept my laptop, and now has told her family that I'm having an affair, and now I'm painted black again.  I'm having to drop some classes due to not having a laptop.  it sucks.  This whole thing sucks.  She keeps digging herself a bigger hole... .I'm kind of down today.   :'(

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Feel for you, and you were doing so well not taking on her dramas. I know the family thing gets under your skin, i have had those issues to, but staying out of them is best.

Sucks about the laptop, that is important. What do you think you can do about making that a boundary issue?

Dont JADE about what she finds on there, that is her problem, but you do need it for your work/studies. Is it backed up in case she decides to delete stuff out of spite?

[formflier]

 

Yep... .laptop sucks.  Here is what I do.

I have a password to get into the laptop.

Then... .I have a separate password to get into my google.  I have a habit of always logging out of google before I walk away from a computer.

Back up files in google drive.

Even with all of that I only get on BPD sites in "incognito" mode on chrome.  That way it never shows in history.

A little over the top?  Yeah... .but her being in my computer and stuff was unbearable... .she would constant find stuff and make claims... .try to force me to JADE.

My first extinction burst survival story was over the password.  I held out... .and WON!   

Now... .it's a non-issue.  I never bring it up... .and she doesn't either.  Life moves on.

Note:  Once or twice I found her laptop on... .sitting around.  I used to get curious.  Now I will log her out... to get rid of the temptation.  I figure the boundary should go both ways... .and I have enough to think about.

It was no good for me... .mentally... .to be snooping... .I would think of different things to search for... .much better after I quit that.

So... what I'm saying is don't retaliate.

[MaroonLiquid]

We have had no contact since Saturday as I haven't tried to contact her.  Last thing she said to me was, "I have all the evidence I need to make a permanent decision for my life."    I don't care about what she found, I care more about having to drop the classes.  She was the one who gave me a push into going back to school and I have carried a 4.0 this far.  I will not contact her first.  another thing that is on her mind is her mom coming in for a whole month.  I have really worked hard on not arguing or continuing the fight.  I just think the emotion began to hit her all at once and having to deal with her mom coming in town and all that she has told them was overwhelming to her and this gave her an "out" to not have to deal with it right now. 

[waverider]

What happens worst case if you just went NC until her mum has been and gone.?

If she has the cavalry sitting on her shoulder whilst you try to deal with this it could get a lot worse.

[MaroonLiquid]

Sucks about the laptop, that is important. What do you think you can do about making that a boundary issue?

Dont JADE about what she finds on there, that is her problem, but you do need it for your work/studies. Is it backed up in case she decides to delete stuff out of spite?

No, unfortunately, my laptop is not backed up.  I tried to defend myself as far as what she found and didn't realize it until I was in the middle of it.  Once I realized it (which was pretty quick), I stopped and nicely asked for it back.  As far as a boundary, I'm not really sure yet.  I've only been good at setting the boundary that got us talking again.  These are the tough ones. 

What happens worst case if you just went NC until her mum has been and gone.?

If she has the cavalry sitting on her shoulder whilst you try to deal with this it could get a lot worse.

I have gone NC.  Since I went NC Saturday after her refusing to return my laptop, she completely blocked me off of facebook yesterday, but has kept me tied to her kids facebook.  I think she is trying to get me to contact her and used blocking me as the vehicle.  I won't.  I don't know what worst case is and don't really want to think about that as I am standing firm for the marriage.  Her mom is an enabler though.  She has seen her mistreat me and my children in her rages yet "doesn't want to get involved". 

[MaroonLiquid]

Got by her block of me on facebook and my wife has put a facebook cover photo up that talks about movin on... .  :'( 

I'm tired of her devaluing me publicly so that I will contact her.  I am sending her an email and certified letter today that she will now be responsible for her own car note as I have been paying it since the split.  This is hard!   

[formflier]

Got by her block of me on facebook and my wife has put a facebook cover photo up that talks about movin on... .  :'( 

I'm tired of her devaluing me publicly so that I will contact her.  I am sending her an email and certified letter today that she will now be responsible for her own car note as I have been paying it since the split.  This is hard!   

That would be breaking NC... .and would be seen as an escalation... .or jab back... .

[MaroonLiquid]

So here is the latest.  On Friday, I got notifications that "someone" (my wife at her house) logged in to my laptop and our computer (reminder: she kept my lapop) and started changing my passwords to my online accounts.  I shut them down remotely when it started happening.  My wife then texted and asked, ":)id you put a code on the computer because I can't get into it now?"  I said yes, and told her I would remove it when she gave me my laptop back.  I asked if we could meet Sunday to get it and no response.  Yesterday came and she said, "I'm going to ask you one more time, remove the lock on the computer.  The kids have reports to print."  Now, the kids have school issued laptops that they do it all on, so that was a lie.  I responded, "I don't want the kids schoolwork affected.  Can you please help me to understand why you won't give my laptop back?"  She said, "then unlock it"  No response to my question.  I stuck to my guns and said that I would be glad to unlock it when I get my laptop and backpack back.  No response.  This is not about the kids, it's about her having control.  Sad.  Now she is posting stuff on facebook that is total projection and aimed at me.  One was this morning titled, "18 Ways You Are Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be".     It should be called "I Hate When My Husband Draws Boundaries".   

[formflier]

So here is the latest.  On Friday, I got notifications that "someone" (my wife at her house) logged in to my laptop and our computer (reminder: she kept my lapop) and started changing my passwords to my online accounts.  I shut them down remotely when it started happening.  My wife then texted and asked, ":)id you put a code on the computer because I can't get into it now?"  I said yes, and told her I would remove it when she gave me my laptop back.  I asked if we could meet Sunday to get it and no response.  Yesterday came and she said, "I'm going to ask you one more time, remove the lock on the computer.  The kids have reports to print."  Now, the kids have school issued laptops that they do it all on, so that was a lie.  I responded, "I don't want the kids schoolwork affected.  Can you please help me to understand why you won't give my laptop back?"  She said, "then unlock it"  No response to my question.  I stuck to my guns and said that I would be glad to unlock it when I get my laptop and backpack back.  No response.  This is not about the kids, it's about her having control.  Sad.  Now she is posting stuff on facebook that is total projection and aimed at me.  One was this morning titled, "18 Ways You Are Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be".     It should be called "I Hate When My Husband Draws Boundaries".   

I would try to move this from text to voice or in person. 

But stick to this!

[MaroonLiquid]

Don't worry, I will stick to it, but why move it from text to voice or in person?  How do I go about doing that?  She tried calling me multiple times on Friday when it happened, but I wouldn't answer as she was having an extinction burst. 

[formflier]

Don't worry, I will stick to it, but why move it from text to voice or in person?  How do I go about doing that?  She tried calling me multiple times on Friday when it happened, but I wouldn't answer as she was having an extinction burst. 

Text is very impersonal.  Writing things down for pwBPD is bad... .they will bring it up and hammer u with it again and again...

They can re read it over and over.

The goal is not that you text well with your wife... .your goal is to have a r/s... .texting is not a r/s... .neither is facebook.

Full disclosure:  I'm not a facebooker... .and I got tired of getting hammered via text for various things... .so I quit texting about it.  Just wouldn't respond.

I think it helped in my case... .

[MaroonLiquid]

Good point.  We are kind of at a stand still because I won't budge.  I guess I will just wait for her to contact me again.  Tired of the back and forth.  I know I never set boundaries before, but setting now is difficult.  Last time I set it, it broke the 6-7 weeks of no contact, but now, she is mad because she knows I've changed and not going to let her run over me anymore.  I feel like I was such an idiot for letting it get this far because of my lack of boundaries.  Oh well, I won't beat myself up over it.  Also, she is really down on herself.  She just posted, "11 Ways To Love Yourself More"... .At times, I feel sorry for her that she has no good feelings about herself... .

[formflier]

Good point.  We are kind of at a stand still because I won't budge.  I guess I will just wait for her to contact me again.  Tired of the back and forth.  I know I never set boundaries before, but setting now is difficult.  Last time I set it, it broke the 6-7 weeks of no contact, but now, she is mad because she knows I've changed and not going to let her run over me anymore.  I feel like I was such an idiot for letting it get this far because of my lack of boundaries.  Oh well, I won't beat myself up over it.  Also, she is really down on herself.  She just posted, "11 Ways To Love Yourself More"... .At times, I feel sorry for her that she has no good feelings about herself... .

I think you have it figured out correctly... .you need to stay strong... .and not cave. 

[waverider]

pwBPD can take past events and reuse them out of context.

Relationships are fluid and evolve.

Texts, email and letters once sent are not subject to change in step with future evolution and can always be be quoted at a different time and used out of context counter to positive forward thinking.

Things can change, you can provide a ton of validation, take great steps forward, but a text/email/letter past sent can be requoted anytime to prove you think they are horrible.

"but you said here in black and white that... .etc"

[MaroonLiquid]

Day 2 of holding my ground regarding the laptop.  She hasn't tried to contact me since Sunday when I told her I wouldn't unlock the computer until she gave me my laptop back.  I'm at the point where I need to send her an email that I won't be paying her car note starting this month (this is the third month since she decided she wanted to separate) and don't know how well that will go over with the laptop situation going on.  I'm not trying to trigger her abandonment fears, but she chose the separation and needs to deal with those choices.  I was set to do this, but having second thoughts.  Don't know if that is my fear and unhealthiness talking or what... .

[formflier]

Day 2 of holding my ground regarding the laptop.  She hasn't tried to contact me since Sunday when I told her I wouldn't unlock the computer until she gave me my laptop back.  I'm at the point where I need to send her an email that I won't be paying her car note starting this month (this is the third month since she decided she wanted to separate) and don't know how well that will go over with the laptop situation going on.  I'm not trying to trigger her abandonment fears, but she chose the separation and needs to deal with those choices.  I was set to do this, but having second thoughts.  Don't know if that is my fear and unhealthiness talking or what... .

Why do you need to send her an email?  Just don't pay it... .

If she wants to bring it up... .ask her to meet in person... with your laptop... .and discuss the r/s.

I think... .it is a bit of your fear talking. 

Choose your path... .walk it.  You don't have to keep explaining to her the path you are on... .just do it.

[MaroonLiquid]

Why not let her know?  Just curious... .I think it is common courtesy when it affects me because my name is on the title and because I've been paying it and in 15 days she will be responsible for it... .Maybe I'm wrong... .

[formflier]

Why not let her know?  Just curious... .I think it is common courtesy when it affects me because my name is on the title and because I've been paying it and in 15 days she will be responsible for it... .Maybe I'm wrong... .

It could be interpreted as you "chasing" her... .vice just living your life. 

It could work out just fine... .or it could be yet another thing that she misinterprets and rants about.

The important principle is to figure out what you want to do... .and do it.

Maybe this is better idea... .

Ask her to coffee to discuss finances and laptop... .or whatever else you would like to put on the list. 

Make sure you go... .regardless of what she says.  That is your common courtesy... .you don't need to "chase" her to give her the message. 

Delivering that message in person will go much better than a text.

You will get a better feel for timing... .can validate first... .etc etc.

I'm not so opposed to your letting her know or common courtesy... .its more the method. 

Hope this clarifies... .

[MaroonLiquid]

Validation is where I'm having the issue.  It's hard to validate when she keeps creating havoc and more issues.  What feelings exactly do I validate?  I'm having trouble with this... .

[formflier]

Validation is where I'm having the issue.  It's hard to validate when she keeps creating havoc and more issues.  What feelings exactly do I validate?  I'm having trouble with this... .

Give me a list of some of the feelings or things... and we'll see what we can come up with... .to help you validate.

Hang in there.

[MaroonLiquid]

I only go over to her house for sex (yet I didher dishes each night, took her to the doctor and found out she has a cyst, took care of her and fixed dinner for the family,  took the kids to the store while she sat with the hot pad at my request, and only had sex once).

I haven't changed (yet she has commented several times that I have).

Accuses me of having an affair (I haven't)

Says I look great as I have lost 75 lbs (and she can't lose any and gets down on herself) but I must be losing it for someone else.  When we fell in love, both going through divorces , we both lost some weight together.  She always talks about how bad she looks yet I tell her that I love her regardless.

Says that I am haughty and uncaring (see the issues about sex)

I am selfish and only think about my needs and what I want (yet the last three months has been all about her and her choices and control).

tries to start fights when my children come over.

I did JADE the other day when she asked me on Sunday to remove the lock on the computer.  I held my boundary and then I told her that I still love her and to stop doing things that destroy that.

[MaroonLiquid]

And a big one... .While we were having such a great week, she started to get overwhelmed by what I think was all that she has caused and the bad blood she has created... .

[formflier]

I only go over to her house for sex (yet I didher dishes each night, took her to the doctor and found out she has a cyst, took care of her and fixed dinner for the family,  took the kids to the store while she sat with the hot pad at my request, and only had sex once).

I haven't changed (yet she has commented several times that I have).

Accuses me of having an affair (I haven't)

Says I look great as I have lost 75 lbs (and she can't lose any and gets down on herself) but I must be losing it for someone else.  When we fell in love, both going through divorces , we both lost some weight together.  She always talks about how bad she looks yet I tell her that I love her regardless.

Says that I am haughty and uncaring (see the issues about sex)

I am selfish and only think about my needs and what I want (yet the last three months has been all about her and her choices and control).

tries to start fights when my children come over.

I did JADE the other day when she asked me on Sunday to remove the lock on the computer.  I held my boundary and then I told her that I still love her and to stop doing things that destroy that.

Yeah... .so spend time validating frustration... .not agreeing with statements. 

Gently let her talk around that and answer... .vice you answering... .but using "help me understand... ."

Such as... ."help me understand how it can all be about sex... ."... .let her talk for a while.

If you don't get to agreement... .

Disengage... .sorry you feel that way... .that's your opinion... .etc etc.

Then move on to another topic...

If she tries to pin you to agreement... ." I don't understand xyz... .and other things to make her give you facts... .instead of you giving them to her... ".

Ultimately... .it's about the fight... .not about if you are only out for sex.  She will tire of this after a while... .it may take a while.

So... for most of those statements... .focus on not reacting... and moving along to a more productive area... .

[MaroonLiquid]

I should still wait till she contacts me though right.  I'm holding the boundary.

[waverider]

I have a problem with someone in effect holding a possession of yours as "hostage" and wants access to it.

This is simply selfish powerplay.

My personal boundary with this would be that everything stops while this is happening. Sex would definitely be off the table.

All the rest of it are just issues to keep you engaged in negotiations...

Doesn't matter if its a laptop or your favorite teddy bear, it is the core behavior that is the problem. It might be the laptop this time, next time it might be your car keys or your passport. She is witholding something that she has no right to withold

[formflier]

 

Amen to that... .

[MaroonLiquid]

Yeah, understood and heard!

[MaroonLiquid]

I have a problem with someone in effect holding a possession of yours as "hostage" and wants access to it.

I reread your first statement, and wanted to clarify what happened.  Everytime my kids come over, my wife tries to get "negative attention" (jealousy Iwould guess), by creating either a fight, a way to get me to look bad or create a situation to put me and my children on pins and needles.  Last Friday, my wife was using my laptop to change my passwords and when I figured that out, I locked it up remotely with a passcode.  She then went to the family computer and started again. I remotely shut the family computer down with a passcode also.  She wants me to unlock the family computer (and used the kids as an excuse) and told her I wouldn't until I get my laptop back.  That is what she was wanting, but not willing to give my laptop back in exchange.  Yet... .But yes, it is selfish powerplay and of course, she could say the same thing about me.  I don't care though as I think it's funny that her plan backfired.  I know she is embarrassed and I'm sure making me out to be some ogre.  Oh well.

[formflier]

I have a problem with someone in effect holding a possession of yours as "hostage" and wants access to it.

I reread your first statement, and wanted to clarify what happened.  Everytime my kids come over, my wife tries to get "negative attention" (jealousy Iwould guess), by creating either a fight, a way to get me to look bad or create a situation to put me and my children on pins and needles.  Last Friday, my wife was using my laptop to change my passwords and when I figured that out, I locked it up remotely with a passcode.  She then went to the family computer and started again. I remotely shut the family computer down with a passcode also.  She wants me to unlock the family computer (and used the kids as an excuse) and told her I wouldn't until I get my laptop back.  That is what she was wanting, but not willing to give my laptop back in exchange.  Yet... .But yes, it is selfish powerplay and of course, she could say the same thing about me.  I don't care though as I think it's funny that her plan backfired.  I know she is embarrassed and I'm sure making me out to be some ogre.  Oh well.

Interesting... .

My quick take is that you can both hold fast... .or both give up.

But I would not cave in without getting what you want.

I would also make sure if she caves in... .you come through with your part.

Hmmm... .will think more on this...