Why do BPD women choose to have children?

[borderdude]

My BPD stated that the children just came, as if there where no deep consideration attached to it.

She treat them as necessary objects, but not as 1st priority, giving them a minimum level of support, but they are not suffering as I know. She has not listed her children on facebook as family, but tbe boyfriends are always (strange for me, but I am not shure)


At least one of her children hav severe mental issues, she does not seem to care to much.

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[tigerlily09]

I wonder the same thing!

[jdtm]

Our now ex-DIL stated that she wished she never had any children.  I expect she became a mother because our son wanted children and her mother wanted grandchildren.  But, just a suspicion ... .

[cleotokos]

My mother never wanted children, but got pregnant by accident. I'm not sure why she didn't have an abortion, as she's not morally objected to that. But she always treated us as if we needed to be appreciative when she did the minimum that a mother was expected. I'm not saying she was always doing the minimum, in some areas she went above and beyond. She always told me that though I was unplanned, she never regretted having me. But also she seemed to think that I owed her for being my mother. And told me things like I should be grateful she didn't physically abuse me. Why did she have children?

I have not a clue.

[waverider]

It was just the impulse of the moment. Once the inconvenience starts then the impulse wanes and they will handball the responsibility were they can but still claim the praise for having had them.

"Look how good I am for doing this", "now someone else can do the chores that come with it". The child is treated as though they should be grateful to the mother for their existence, but not demand sustenance from them.

If the other parent has already been damaged by being in a RS with a pwBPD, they may struggle to fill the gap as a good role model.

Its a high risk environment for a child developing BPD in response, especially as they may already by genetically disposed to it.

This is often the visible face of a BPD mother were they are otherwise high functioning and the disorder otherwise hidden.

[maxsterling]

Not sure I understand your question - are you asking that if someone knows they have BPD or mental health issues, why would they choose to have children?  Or are you asking about a person that doesn't know or admit they have mental health issues?

I think there may be biological reasons or religious reasons that certainly transcend the BPD - but perhaps a couple of things I have learned in discussion with my BPD fiancé may hep answer your question:

- when I met her she was obsessed with the idea of having a child.  Part of that is biological clock.  Part was that she had an abortion less than a year prior.  But she was so obsessed with the idea she was contacting fertility clinics.

- She once told me (and told me similar on other occasions) that she wants a child so that she will always have someone who loves her and will never leave.

- She's also told me that she wants a child so that she feels her life is worth something - the child gives her an identity.

- I think she has also wants a child in hopes of being the center of attention.  She is jealous of the attention pregnant and new mothers get.

- she's used to tell me that she applauded and respected single mothers.  Now she tends to see them as foolish and selfish in not planning out their pregnancies.  

- originally she gave me grief for saying that if we are going to have a child we need to prepare ourselves first and have a healthy home.  She doesn't give me grief for that anymore.

- she's told me she fears having a child for fear she will be an abusive mom.

- when she is raging, she will pick something about me as a reason why I will be a bad father.  Reasons include that I will not instill proper table manners in our child, and that I sometimes walk around barefoot outside.  If I take this a projection, that means she is having doubts about her ability to be a good mother.

[waverider]

Not sure I understand your question - are you asking that if someone knows they have BPD or mental health issues, why would they choose to have children?  Or are you asking about a person that doesn't know or admit they have mental health issues?

I think there may be biological reasons or religious reasons that certainly transcend the BPD - but perhaps a couple of things I have learned in discussion with my BPD fiancé may hep answer your question:

- when I met her she was obsessed with the idea of having a child.  Part of that is biological clock.  Part was that she had an abortion less than a year prior.  But she was so obsessed with the idea she was contacting fertility clinics.

- She once told me (and told me similar on other occasions) that she wants a child so that she will always have someone who loves her and will never leave.

- She's also told me that she wants a child so that she feels her life is worth something - the child gives her an identity.

- I think she has also wants a child in hopes of being the center of attention.  She is jealous of the attention pregnant and new mothers get.

- she's used to tell me that she applauded and respected single mothers.  Now she tends to see them as foolish and selfish in not planning out their pregnancies.  

- originally she gave me grief for saying that if we are going to have a child we need to prepare ourselves first and have a healthy home.  She doesn't give me grief for that anymore.

- she's told me she fears having a child for fear she will be an abusive mom.

- when she is raging, she will pick something about me as a reason why I will be a bad father.  Reasons include that I will not instill proper table manners in our child, and that I sometimes walk around barefoot outside.  If I take this a projection, that means she is having doubts about her ability to be a good mother.

All her concerns you have given are based around her, not what she wants for the child.

She wants to be loved and admired. Not to love and admire.

Even though she feels not worthy of it.( Though if she failed she would blame the child and you not herself)

[hurting300]

They want kids to trap the guys . (Abandonment issues) too fill the void they have. It's impulsive decisions on their part. Once the kid arrives they don't make good parents. Trust me.

[takingandsending]

max, my uBPDw definitely liked being the center of attention during pregnancy, and I think she was jealous of other women friends who were pregnant. I also think she envisioned having a source of love for her in her life. Twice, she had recurrent dreams that a baby girl was coming to her. We had two boys. When my S8 was a baby, as waverider said, the visible face of BPD really emerged, but I still didn't know enough to see. I assumed it was post partum depression. I remember writing in a journal that I thought she was expecting to give birth to a doll, not a living, breathing person that needed her. She simply could not and has not been able to be there for him in a stable, loving way. She believes that he owes her some immense, unpayable debt, and when he doesn't comply, she berates him. Now his own BPD tendencies trigger her - they trigger each other. All the time. It is incredibly unfair to children.  :'(

[Dutched]

May I say it very, very confrontational? To fulfil the perfect dream of mother father and kids in a happy family ( like most of us…), however one that can’t be fulfilled.

After becoming that loving mother, the second stage begins… to sooth themselves.

Kids are love objects. A baby / toddler give unconditional love. As from the moment kids get older they get more independent, pull away. A pwBPD sees that as threatening, so the next stage begins. That of control in order to sustain that early unconditional bond.

The facilitating stage begins. The stage the BPD mother starts even to facilitate negative behaviour in order to keep a kid on that puppet string, a frantic effort not to lose her love object.

In cases even to demolish self esteem of that kid (as one can read in several stories of members).

exuHFDPBw was very loving and caring towards the kids. Reading them books before sleep, involving them in creative games (most with others and during birthday parties), etc.

However… exw never really played with the kids in order to develop their fantasy. Never played with D and her dolls, for example.

Father, me, played with the kids and attended for many years all horse riding lessons/events of D. Father attended and became a soccer coach for S. I took the kids out to fair domestic and international.

Mother? The local community activities, where I was too. Oh, asking S or D to join her when she needed to visit some one because of her social activities ( to be “stronger”?).

As of age ca. 6 exw “needed” more support from me, as I should be dealing with that cross behaviour too…

Better, to keep up the “good”mother bond against the “evil”father.

Even as kids were teenager, exw kept sometimes talk with a high voice, as towards a baby, on other occasions in a childish way. Of which the kids looked at each other and me with rolling wondering eyes.

Later exw in her outburst showed her face by stating: “the kids are mine! You do not have anything to say at all about them!”…

Well… high conflict of course (before I knew anything of BPD). So at the moment exw asked for my help, better “demanded” my authority as a father towards the kids, I calmly reminded her of her saying and walked away (but talked with the kids later alone).

Might be of interest, the influence of mothers with BPD on kids.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3268672/