Need insight and solutions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have spent the two years since I left uBPDex reading about BPD and trying to get insight to help me accept the reality that I had to leave, and help me understand how he interracts with our children s11 and d12 on the days they are with him.

Two years on I still have no agreement or court order as to sharing the children, he ignores me or rages at me if I ever mention it. W go through periods when he doesnt even respind to messages. I have left the kids staying with him three days a week, as he has always played a big part in their lives and They love their dad and I dont want to take them from him. But I dont know if Im doing the right thing.

I am running my own business, with children in midddle school from 8am to 2 pm, working in the city centre an hours drive from my home, just hoping to get through every day, depending on what work shift he is on and whether he can pick them up or not. i cant hire someone to help me, as he would most probably go to pick the children up from school even if I said I had hired someone. Or would ring the children and say they have abandoned him and they should come home with him.

And I have avoided sitting down and working on a plan, as  i know he will have nothing to do with it, he hasnt even replied to the letter my lawyer sent two years ago. And I am intimidated by the fact he will rage to the children about how evil I am and how I want to take all his money, if I start court proceedings.

The week went like this, after my sons birthday party last Saturday at my house, he sent me a text saying "i am working afternoon shift on Weds and Frid, the other days I can pick up the children. As for the last year I work at home on a Thursday, and the kids sleep with me from Thursday to Sunday, I replied "you pick up the kids mon and tues, I will pick them up Wed, thurs, Friday." No answer from him.

Every morning if then kids are with him I go to his house at 7,30 to make sure they have everything they need and take them to school. I arrived yesterday and my daughter was screaming hysterically. She had got up late. Her Dad was in bed. I lost my rag and went into the house and shouted at him, that he was letting us all live in such a level of high tension that we were all at the end of our tether. Big mistake. My son has begged me recently not to go inside the house any more so not to trigger Dad. It did trigger him big time, and in front of the crying kids he screamed that I am sick and I have destroyed s life and reduced him to a crumb on the floor. I tried to respind that I couod not live with him any mor because of this raging but my voice wasnt loud enough to be heard! I got the kids quickly out of the house and got them to school.

Today thursday as usual my day at home, I went to pick the kids up at 2. As we were driving off a friend of theirs we were giving a lift said they had seen him. Sure enough he had turned up to pick them up. I kept driving and my son told me to stop. He got out and came to the car, angry. i said I had written to him that I was picking them up today, and anyway I always pick them up on Thursdays. He said I was lying he had never got the message. My kids were worried he was going to make a scene. He slammed the door, then in the car he followed me, gesticulating and shouting.

My best friend today tried to be blunt with me, Ive been abused, but I still feel sorry for him, the children have been abused by him, but I still want to be nice to him because  i dont want him to suffer. Its time to get nasty and play the b___.

[Cmjo]

I have spent the two years since I left uBPDex reading about BPD and trying to get insight to help me accept the reality that I had to leave, and help me understand how he interracts with our children s11 and d12 on the days they are with him.

Two years on I still have no agreement or court order as to sharing the children, he ignores me or rages at me if I ever mention it. W go through periods when he doesnt even respind to messages. I have left the kids staying with him three days a week, as he has always played a big part in their lives and They love their dad and I dont want to take them from him. But I dont know if Im doing the right thing.

I am running my own business, with children in midddle school from 8am to 2 pm, working in the city centre an hours drive from my home, just hoping to get through every day, depending on what work shift he is on and whether he can pick them up or not. i cant hire someone to help me, as he would most probably go to pick the children up from school even if I said I had hired someone. Or would ring the children and say they have abandoned him and they should come home with him.

And I have avoided sitting down and working on a plan, as  i know he will have nothing to do with it, he hasnt even replied to the letter my lawyer sent two years ago. And I am intimidated by the fact he will rage to the children about how evil I am and how I want to take all his money, if I start court proceedings.

The week went like this, after my sons birthday party last Saturday at my house, he sent me a text saying "i am working afternoon shift on Weds and Frid, the other days I can pick up the children. As for the last year I work at home on a Thursday, and the kids sleep with me from Thursday to Sunday, I replied "you pick up the kids mon and tues, I will pick them up Wed, thurs, Friday." No answer from him.

Every morning if then kids are with him I go to his house at 7,30 to make sure they have everything they need and take them to school. I arrived yesterday and my daughter was screaming hysterically. She had got up late. Her Dad was in bed. I lost my rag and went into the house and shouted at him, that he was letting us all live in such a level of high tension that we were all at the end of our tether. Big mistake. My son has begged me recently not to go inside the house any more so not to trigger Dad. It did trigger him big time, and in front of the crying kids he screamed that I am sick and I have destroyed s life and reduced him to a crumb on the floor. I tried to respind that I couod not live with him any mor because of this raging but my voice wasnt loud enough to be heard! I got the kids quickly out of the house and got them to school.

Today thursday as usual my day at home, I went to pick the kids up at 2. As we were driving off a friend of theirs we were giving a lift said they had seen him. Sure enough he had turned up to pick them up. I kept driving and my son told me to stop. He got out and came to the car, angry. i said I had written to him that I was picking them up today, and anyway I always pick them up on Thursdays. He said I was lying he had never got the message. My kids were worried he was going to make a scene. He slammed the door, then in the car he followed me, gesticulating and shouting.

My best friend today tried to be blunt with me, Ive been abused, but I still feel sorry for him, the children have been abused by him, but I still want to be nice to him because  i dont want him to suffer. Its time to get nasty and play the b___.

[Matt]

You absolutely need to get a court order in place.

Talk to your lawyer and learn about how the process works where you live, and file a motion for the arrangement you believe is best.

Your ex can either respond in a positive way, and work out a good solution with you, or he can respond in a way that is not constructive, and you can let a judge decide.  Or he may not respond at all, and in that case you need to move forward with the legal process, without delay.

Don't discuss it with him outside of the legal process.  Tell him, "You or your attorney can respond to my lawyer." and walk away.  Don't engage with him at all beyond that.

The legal process does not have to be a big fight.  It can be a forum for reasonable people to sit down and work out a solution that works best for everyone.  But that's up to him - if he wants to fight you can have a fight, or if he wants to cooperate you can cooperate, but in any case the process will be under the supervision of the court, and the settlement will be a court order binding on both of you.  Then there will be less chaos and stress.  (Or if he still fights, he will be fighting the court not you.)

[Lmls]

Hi Cmjo,

Emotional abuse is exhausting, even more so when trying to work and care for children and adapt to a separated life. Do you have friends or family to support you?

I agree with Matt, you need to take this down a legal route for yours and your children's sake. Your ex is playing games and in my experience that is all about keeping some control over the other person.

You don't need to join in the game playing, but it might be good to consider some strong boundaries that are most likely to allow you to manage your week. Discuss these with your solicitor and via him explain the benefit of them for your children.

Document everything in case you need it in court. Are there witnesses to his outbursts? Does he email and text you? Keep it all.

My experience is that it is a fine and tricky line between not escalating a situation but also standing your ground when necessary.

I am still learning so much and found the resources on this site really helpful

Good luck - you aren't alone.

[Cmjo]

Thank you, I agree and have leanrt a lot too here.

I am a lawyer myself, living in a foreign country in europe, assiting English speaking clients, and very often also deal with family law, separations and custody issues! My lawyer is a trusted colleague, she is just waiting for me to give her the go ahead... .I will be doing this before Xmas. I will file an application, and expect that he will not respond. He says its all too painful. He hasnt responded to her first letter. He will not be able to sit in a room and have a discussion about the children, he only wants to talk about how to make me go back to him. As soon as he receives the court notice he will probably give it to the children to read, so I will forewarn them whats in it. Maybe he wont even turn up to the hearing but as long its properly served the order will probably made anyway on the terms I ask for.

I feel sorry for women that have maintenance issues to deal with... on top of all this as that doubles the amount of conflict... .he has an obsession with money that he is poor and a victim of life whereas he earns more than me, but my business is going well and I think even by next year I will be earning more than him. He gives me cash in an envelope about once a month, usually gives to the kids to give me.

I dont want to have to rely on him for maintenance, just want to split 50/50 all the childrens main expenses, sport, dentist, medical treatment, clothes, shoes, school books... .and would like the money via bank transfer so the kids stay out of it.

He did go through an unpleasant divorce years ago when his wife left, I have always felt guilty that he might go through it all again with me! But he plays on this to stop me from acting... .I have to keep reminding myself that his behaviour to me and the kids has been abusive, and not feel sorry for him anymore!

[Lmls]

Hi Cmjo.

I am really glad  that you have the legal support and understanding that you need.

It is likely that I shall also head to family court as my exBPD/NP partner has for the third time reneged on agreements as to when he has the children. This time after signing solicitors agreements for the terms that he requested. It upsets me hugely that he is actually trying to lessen contact with them, and his current mental state makes me think that perhaps this is not such a bad thing and that I should be asking for a psych report and considering possible full custody. I don't think this is ideal for the children, but like you realise that my ex's behaviour is abusive.

I understand your stance of trying not to feel sorry for your ex. I understand that personality disorders are illnesses, but that does not mean that we have to take responsibility for continuing to  try and help or save them either. You have no doubt, as have I, tried our best to do this already and it hasn't worked. This is not selfishness but real responsibility to be the best we can for ourselves and everybody else in our lives.

We can be firm and fair, setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them, understanding that we all have a choice as to how we behave. We have every right and responsibility to look after ourselves, ensuring that we are the best parents we can be.

It sounds that you have made some stronger choices. That is good, trust your judgement. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person with good intentions. That is enough.