Is it normal for BPD's to do childish things to kids?

[November_Rain]

My udBPDh who is the stepfather to my 2 kids has it out for my son ever since he stood up for me after witnessing verbal abuse and finding out about physical abuse. I am currently 7 months pregnant and my 16 y/o son is very protective of me. My h now does things to my son, like for example locking him out of the house on purpose, baiting him into an argument, snooping through his room and planting things for him to get into trouble. I feel like my son is more of a man than my husband! He acts so childish! Is this typical of BPD?

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[LilHurt420]

Yep.  From what I see with my uBPDh, they do not know how to deal with their emotions or people who look down on them, so they play these games.  Your H probably knows that your son looks down on him for what has happened and deep down he's ashamed.  Though instead of fixing his behavior and talking about it, his way to get even is to make your son feel ashamed or belittle him.

I've been on the receiving end of what your H is doing to your son with my H too.  My H once told our son that he was giving our family dog away to a new family and brought him to go get a hair cut.  He did this because my H used to never be home (he was out cheating and doing whatever he wanted) and I would beg him to be home and our son started to when he got about 3yo.  But when my husband started staying home more he still didn't feel like our son (and me) appreciated his presence enough so he had to "teach our son a lesson" on what it's like to have something and then it be gone.

Your H probably has some twisted logic why the things he's doing are "ok"

[Indyan]

Yes, very often I've had to tell PBDbf to stop arguing with my D10. They sound like kids at school and it gets on my nerves. Also, they would come each in turn to give me their version of the argument *sigh*

To be honest, my D10 is the most credible!

[takingandsending]

November Rain,

Yes. My S8 triggers uBPDw all the time, and she responds at his emotional level ... .and he is emotionally challenged as a result of having BPD mom. 

Your son is old enough to teach some of the Lessons on this board. I really encourage you to do so, so that he will not be so harmed by reacting to the dysregulated behavior of your husband - there's no good outcomes going down that road. Also, you mentioned physical abuse - do you have a safety plan in place for you and your children if your husband tries to harm you again? Please consider developing a safety plan.

Can you post back to let folks here know where things currently stand for you? I am concerned. 

[vortex of confusion]

I can sympathize with you. The same things happens in our house. One of the girls made the comment that our dog is more of a man than dad. My husband will get in arguments with them and will stomp off and pout. At one point, they used to actually fight over me. It was insane.

[Rapt Reader]

November_Rain, takingandsending is right; you really need a Safety Plan:

Safety First.

And the information at this link would also be helpful for you:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women.

Please let us know that you've read the above information, and ask any questions you might have... .And let us know how you are doing, OK? At 7 months pregnant, and with little kids in the house, you are in a really vulnerable position and we really care about your safety 

[November_Rain]

Thank you for all of the replies. My kids are older, a 16 y/o son and 13 y/o daughter. He got angry with me over the summer and suddenly my daughter's cat (who she loves more than anything and has had for 5 years) went missing. I knew he did something because he had just scolded me for changing the litter box while pregnant. The other night when in a rage because I had shut down and stopped talking, he said that my son is pathetic because he is an Eagle Scout and doesn't even know how to clean his room. When I didn't respond, he said that he is a disappointment, just like his mom and dad. That's when I went to sleep on the couch. I awoke the next morning to him standing over me demanding I apologize for "my bad behavior".

We have already been through 2 military protection orders and I have now called the police twice on him. Last Friday he threatened to beat my son up so I called police. They did nothing. H called my son's dad to pick him up and he wouldn't allow my kids home for 4 days. I begged and apologized for him to allow them home and he gave in. We got along while they were away but the night they were to come home, he got into a rage again. Now today he is nice and loving. So many mood shifts I can't keep up.

I did go see an attorney the other day. Her advice is next time, leave and go immediately and file a restraining order. The next step will be filing divorce. It's really sad because I love him and am having his child but things are getting worse, not better.

[maxsterling]

Well, an undiagnosed BPD/NPD ex of mine has a son - he was 11 when I was dating her - and I often observed that he was more mature and dependable than her.  At 11, he was already in a caretaker role.  I remember when he asked me to help me get his mom from the bar.  We went in and got her, and physically carried her out.  I remember several times in public he asking his mom to calm down, quit making a scene, etc.  Just truly sad for that young man, because he was about as perfect of a kid as anyone could ask for.  Oh, and she also got let go from her teaching job for making a childish sexual remark to her 6th grade students.  You know, the kind of remark a middle school kid would make. 

My fiancé seems to treat kids about the same as she treats adults.  It doesn't seem to matter the age - if a child rubs her the wrong way she paints the child black just the same as she would an adult.  She's still painting her friend's 4 year old daughter black almost a year later. That's the biggest thing I notice - she doesn't seem to cut children any slack for being children - and no matter what the age, if a child  is rude to her, she will come home ranting and raving and calling the child an a-hole or a jerk (not to the child's face - she will use those words with me after the event).

[November_Rain]

Yesterday he was extremely nice to my kids, but I am just waiting for the ball to drop. He is angry this morning over something silly and is threatening to bring his dogs in the house (which I am extremely allergic to) as a way to get his way. I told him go ahead, but as soon as that doesn't work I'm sure he will be mean to my kids again. At least tonight and this weekend they will be with their father. Other than completely giving in to his every need and want, right or wrong, letting him completely control me, I don't know how to prevent this behavior. I do know that I need a safe and peaceful environment for my kids to live in.