Hello christoff522, sorry to hear about your struggles. This is bad.
While I wouldnt want to be encouraging any ruminations as you seem to be on the right track. The feelings you have expressed are normal (in my opinion) given the situation.
You started by telling us something as fact. How do you know this for sure?. I suspect pwBPD change their minds about things like this based on their feelings afterward. Feelings = facts to a pwBPD. She presented to you as a victim, right?... .and what did she do to contribute herself to be in that position anyway?. I am not saying that any woman deserves to be assaulted but I question it actually happened, as should you, and while you're at it to not limit you're questioning to just this one thing.
My experience is that pwBPD will tell you what they want you to believe or what they believe. Neither is the truth or more accurately WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
Thank you so much for replying John, I so needed to hear someone say something about it, and what you gave here is more than I could have asked for. I have actually had doubts about whether it happened, I have just kept them to myself because a) her reaction was so intense and b) I just couldn't believe that someone would lie about it, even someone with BPD.
She did present herself as a victim, and she was even kicking herself for getting into that situation, even said she wasn't going to drink anymore. Maybe she did just have sex with him, and why was she so desperate to have sex with me? This is what I mean when I talk about twisted.
I have known pwBPD for 20 years and probably longer. I still can't say I understand what they are going through... .though I need to if I am to understand the complexity of it all any better... .although I have realised with some there is this nonsensical component that possibly can't be understood, only experienced (a bit like explaining a BPD relationship to someone who doesn't know first hand).
I myself had a best friend for 11 years with BPD, he was diagnosed last year after a drug overdose (on cough medicine of all things). The contact I had with him was completely different to anything I have had with this girl, although some of the same traits looking back are shared. Amazingly, when the relationship with her broke down he left. I think it's because he knew she was BPD, and realised I would find out eventually that she had it and it scared him. I also agree, people can say she's crazy, but until they get involved with one, they'll NEVER understand.
Her "feelings" toward your replacement are real even if they only met yesterday. I agree how she can feel love for this person and who used to harass her is stupifying. It's extremely dysfunctional. That's what it is.
Its insane, her ex, who from everything I've seen is quite similar to me, has been accused of everything from rape to physical abuse. Yet from what I see of him now, he's like a lost little puppy. I think she drove him to many many crazy things, they were together for years, he seems as bewildered by it all as I am.
I do have reason to believe that their relationship will end soon. She has a habit of deleting facebooks, and she told me she was going to delete hers at the end of the month (i think she said month), she tends to do that when relationships are coming to an end, a 'fresh start' if you will. Maybe I'm wrong. But I did notice new folks liking her pics recently.
When you texted her asking about your deletion from Facebook you broke your own boundary. I know first hand how easy it is to do this... .
I see what you're saying, like... I laid down that we wouldn't communicate, then I communicated. I agree that it came from weakness, abandonment fears if you like.
Anyone from that day causes her pain?... .even a supporter, friend, or loved one?. I suspect she messed up and will continue to mess up and this only ADDS to her pain and makes everything worse. You can't fix this. It is up to her.
Definitely, it's shame more than anything. If she did lie about being raped - or was raped, I would imagine it was alcohol fuelled, and she's scared, ashamed and simply wants it all to blow over. Any reminder of what happened just sends her anxiety and BPD crazy stuff over the top. I do understand that, I told her I did and I meant it.
When you want to get dragged into the whirlwind that is BPD you will find yourself unable to cope, just as she is, just as you yourself have described. Boundaries are vitally important. Strong feelings towards this girl may prevail. It is honorable to want to help her. She needs to recognise that she has some serious stuff going on and wants to recieve help. Love suggests that you will care about her welfare as much as you do about yours... .but true Love is a 2 way thing. If it is only 1 way then it is not love... .it is something else.
I have told her in the past that she has BPD, and tbh I don't want to get dragged into the whirlwind, whilst I love her for who she is in one sense, I don't truly know WHO she is, so I love the idea of her, the fantasy, but the fantasy is not someone who spends everyday sitting her bedroom texting guys, and going out getting drunk out of her face, or someone you can't ever have a normal conversation with. I want her to be well, I want her to do well at college and have a great hairdressing career, and I want her to be happy. But I want her to be happy with me, and all this to blow over... but I know that her BPD will always be there, and I can't deal with it. I know I love her, but I see your point, relationship love is a two way thing. But the love I have is more than that.
You are "mindf#*king" her in a sense as she cannot cope with normal thought patterns and you are triggering her BPD. pwBPD tend to mirror others and you have held up a mirror itself to her. She isn't going to like what she sees (feels) or be able to cope with it... .hence this is why she has BPD.
I understand what you mean, she means basically that I play games with her, I try to draw out her true feelings for me, to excite her, to pique her interest in me. Other times we row and I say bye and that I won't speak to her again. I think the problem is that I confuse her, she wants to be with me but she knows she can't until her 18th in March because her family don't like the age difference... then I start to worry that I'll never be with her, then things turn to crap (she even said in the last convo that she doesn't know what the future holds - in relation to me and her, trying to hook me in). Then she is in a relationship with someone else. I romanticise it, not realising the stupidity of doing so, BPD doesn't work like that.
I know you want to swoop in like a white knight. She has that expectation as well. It is a noble thing if it is for the right reason but even in fairytales it only happens once. Why were you put in that position on Saturday?. Why didnt she call her current boyfriend?... .or family?.
She didn't call them because she wanted to have sex with me - interestingly a few hours before we had a little bit of a conversation about her being a woman, I said she wasn't she said she was, I told her to prove it, and she said "haha you wish xx". Thats the only conclusion I can reach. Literally within ten minutes of me getting there, she was standing in front of me looking into my eyes inviting me to kiss her.
It is not really a great idea being horrible to someone. That may be perceived as cruel, especially to someone who is disordered. I know you are becoming desperate and will try anything for peace of mind. That is your glimpse into the world of BPD. A normal person will show remorse and empathy so I am glad you apologised but it just keeps it going, doesn't it?.
I can't be horrible to her, at least not for any length of time. We've had some serious arguments, I've said some heinous stuff. My British sensibilities of politeness and decency have been scarred by our rows. But, I will always feel guilty, I don't ever want to hurt her, yet I do, and she hurts me and often can't even understand why I'm hurt. I view her as this beautiful, sweet little angel... and all I ever want to do is kiss her and hold her and protect her. But yes, it never ends.
If you know all the "keys" to make a BPD relationship work then you are the only one on earth. These people are mentally disordered. There are many helpful tools, strategies, and just plain old' love but isn't BPD is characterised by intense instability with interpersonal relationships?. A psychologist I once met might say that you are enmeshed with her. I don't know.
Oh yeah, we're enmeshed alright. Yes I know the keys, but I don't have the keyhole to put the keys in because we've never been "official". So she always has the escape route of changing the rules, I look at the Borderline evolution thing on the site, and We've been through all those stages and come out the other side. So I'm left with nothing. I've been idealized/devalued/discarded.
Whatever... .when it is all said... .each one of us will choose our own path. I wish you well in yours.
Right now, my path is silence. Will she ever come back to me? Who knows. Maybe in March of 2015...
But will I still be single then? Who knows
Your closing paragraphs were so real to me. They helped me with my feelings. I think your head is in the right place. Just a little further to go... .
Yes, just a little further, but will I do the broad path or the narrow path. Will I stay NC or will we end up recycling again. It's interesting that I posted this in Staying...
