Dramatic change is possible

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So... it's been a while since I've posted about me.  Wanted to for a while... .but just haven't had the time.  I'll keep the initial update kinda short... .and see where this goes.  My story is kinda complicated... .so no attempt to rehash everything... .but don't be afraid to ask.

First!  I've been back home about two weeks!  It's been wonderful being a full fledged member of the family again.  Dynamics are much better!      

Physical discipline (spanking) is a thing of the past in our family.  DSS investigation was "unfounded" but they recommended family therapy... .which we did. 

I'd say about 90 to 95% of the time we (wife and I) appear to be happily married couple with no issues.  I still have a hard time "seeing" an emotional upset coming... .but... .I can't remember when I "reacted" to one improperly.  It's been months since I participated in an emotional conflict of any sort. 

I still feel clumsy trying to validate... .seems to take me a while to think up the right answer.  So... I mainly stick with things like "I can see that is troubling... "  More SE... .and not to much T.  I really just concentrate on getting through whatever it is... .and waiting for it to be over.

So far... longest has been 10-15 min.  And for several she will say things late about appreciating my response... .or "wow you are different"... .in the past you would have argued... .or I would have been afraid to say that in the past.

I think this helps her let off some pressure and get back to normal quicker. 

It's easier for me to validate ahead of time... .when things are normal and pressure is off.  So I try to focus on that.

My wife has found an individual T that is close to our house... and seems to have a good connection with.  This was done totally on her own.  I've never asked once what they talk about.  The only times it comes up is to juggle child care.  She is open about it.  Puts it on the family calendar. 

Oldest daughter is going to her as well. 

MC is going at a once every two weeks pace.  The focus of MC is understanding each others emotions and feelings.  Trying to build empathy.  and providing a safe place to talk. 

Empathy is building on both sides.  I'm acknowledging changes in her... .and she is in me.  Momentum is generally going in the right direction.

The issues that still come up are generally based around paranoia... .I may never know where this started in her life... .

My bad reactions to this paranoia in the past fed the cycle... .gave off the impression that I was hiding things... .

Money is still problematic... .but is being openly discussed... .I suspect another MC or two and she will make a decision on how she wants money to run in our house.  Essentially she wants full control... .but to not be responsible.  I've stepped aside and let her have several "lightbulb" moments about how tough managing all the money is. 

So... on the one hand I'm not trying to "force" anything with money... but as a practical matter she has said she wants to put me back as joint on the main money account... .but has yet to actually do that.  I don't pester her about it... .but have brought it up last couple MCs.  I'm just going to keep bringing it up... .

To be clear... .the good things far... .far outweigh anything in the negative category. 

I'm glad I made a decision to be a stayer.  It's not been easy.  I'm still learning.  I'm happy with my life and I'm hopeful for the future.

My outlook on life when I started with this site... .and had only recently even heard about BPD and my outlook now is dramatic.


Enough for now... .

[formflier]

So... it's been a while since I've posted about me.  Wanted to for a while... .but just haven't had the time.  I'll keep the initial update kinda short... .and see where this goes.  My story is kinda complicated... .so no attempt to rehash everything... .but don't be afraid to ask.

First!  I've been back home about two weeks!  It's been wonderful being a full fledged member of the family again.  Dynamics are much better!      

Physical discipline (spanking) is a thing of the past in our family.  DSS investigation was "unfounded" but they recommended family therapy... .which we did. 

I'd say about 90 to 95% of the time we (wife and I) appear to be happily married couple with no issues.  I still have a hard time "seeing" an emotional upset coming... .but... .I can't remember when I "reacted" to one improperly.  It's been months since I participated in an emotional conflict of any sort. 

I still feel clumsy trying to validate... .seems to take me a while to think up the right answer.  So... I mainly stick with things like "I can see that is troubling... "  More SE... .and not to much T.  I really just concentrate on getting through whatever it is... .and waiting for it to be over.

So far... longest has been 10-15 min.  And for several she will say things late about appreciating my response... .or "wow you are different"... .in the past you would have argued... .or I would have been afraid to say that in the past.

I think this helps her let off some pressure and get back to normal quicker. 

It's easier for me to validate ahead of time... .when things are normal and pressure is off.  So I try to focus on that.

My wife has found an individual T that is close to our house... and seems to have a good connection with.  This was done totally on her own.  I've never asked once what they talk about.  The only times it comes up is to juggle child care.  She is open about it.  Puts it on the family calendar. 

Oldest daughter is going to her as well. 

MC is going at a once every two weeks pace.  The focus of MC is understanding each others emotions and feelings.  Trying to build empathy.  and providing a safe place to talk. 

Empathy is building on both sides.  I'm acknowledging changes in her... .and she is in me.  Momentum is generally going in the right direction.

The issues that still come up are generally based around paranoia... .I may never know where this started in her life... .

My bad reactions to this paranoia in the past fed the cycle... .gave off the impression that I was hiding things... .

Money is still problematic... .but is being openly discussed... .I suspect another MC or two and she will make a decision on how she wants money to run in our house.  Essentially she wants full control... .but to not be responsible.  I've stepped aside and let her have several "lightbulb" moments about how tough managing all the money is. 

So... on the one hand I'm not trying to "force" anything with money... but as a practical matter she has said she wants to put me back as joint on the main money account... .but has yet to actually do that.  I don't pester her about it... .but have brought it up last couple MCs.  I'm just going to keep bringing it up... .

To be clear... .the good things far... .far outweigh anything in the negative category. 

I'm glad I made a decision to be a stayer.  It's not been easy.  I'm still learning.  I'm happy with my life and I'm hopeful for the future.

My outlook on life when I started with this site... .and had only recently even heard about BPD and my outlook now is dramatic.


Enough for now... .

[hope2727]

wow. Thanks for posting that. Today I felt totally hopeless so I am glad you posted this update.

[MissyM]

Thanks Formflier!  It is good to read.  I think we are heading in this direction and never would have been able to without all of the information on this site.  I have to admit that my dBPDh's new medication is starting to help, makes working through issues much less explosive on his side.  I have been able to generally handle it better when he has dysregulated.

[123Phoebe]

I'm glad I made a decision to be a stayer.  It's not been easy.  I'm still learning.  I'm happy with my life and I'm hopeful for the future.

My outlook on life when I started with this site... .and had only recently even heard about BPD and my outlook now is dramatic.


Enough for now... .

  Looking forward to more great news and insights... .

[Cat21]

Thank you for this!

[formflier]

 

Here is a for instance of where things are now.

I've been trying to start the day off right... .relaxing time in bed... .no rush... .lots of opportunity for her to talk and share whats on her mind.

History:  Sometimes in the past mornings were problematic because first words out of her mouth could be negative... I could be in trouble for a dream she had... or some other fear.

Before I knew about BPD traits and this site... I would explain the facts to her and that her fears were unfounded.  This would normally go nuclear...

Why?  I know understand this was very INVALIDATING to her feelings.  I also took it very personally... ."how could she dare say such a thing about me... ." is what I would think.

Well... this morning she was asking vague questions about the past and what other women were thinking and wanting... .why would so and so do this. or that. 

I made some weak attempts at validating... ."that must be frustrating... ."  the occasional bit of truth thrown in... ."I've not thought about that... ."... ."it's not knowable... "

This went on for 10-15 minutes.  We were snuggling at the time.  Primary focus was not to invalidate... .and let whatever is inside her "come out... "

Things calmed down... .and after 5 minutes or so of silent snuggling

She said... ."you know... .I'm not trying to make you mad... .I just need to know where I stand with you... ."

In the past I would have explained the right way for her to go about "knowing" that... .and the cycle would have repeated.

I hugged her told her I loved her... and that I'm glad we can talk calmly about these things.

We went on to have another 30 -45 min of good snuggle time.  Some great intimacy (sex)... .and I skipped out the door to work with a smile on my face... .and a bit of spring in my step.

There was a time in my life when I couldn't imagine ever getting back to this point... .if you are reading this thread and you are thinking that way... ."I can NEVER... .xyz... ."

I want to encourage you to focus on the lessons... .focus on what you can do to serve and help your partner... .

[thereishope]

wow. Thanks for posting that. Today I felt totally hopeless so I am glad you posted this update.

I feel the same... .I was just sitting here with my head in my hands weeping, praying, "Please change me, LORD... ."  I'm tired of the pain of wrestling with my own feelings about uBPDh.  Trying to let some of it go.  I am thankful and happy for you formflier, and your well-earned ability to say you are happy with your life and hopeful for the future. Thank you for sharing!   

[Moselle]

Thanks for sharing Formflier. It's great to hear success stories.

Mine's on an 8 day (so far) silent treatment.  She had a divorce ultimatum expire on the 30th. And I clearly didn't crack a nod. Her last words were "I've changed my mind". I assume thats because we agreed not to make divorce threats. That's ambiguous enough to get away with. As you know we had 8 solid momentum weeks but now it seems she's going on a black bender.  I'm going back this weekend, mainly to take the kids a mobile phone because she's been blocking my contact with them.

It's going to be a stressful one. She'll be ignoring me as I pick up the kids. I'm obviously not staying over with her like I did last time.

I'm thinking just ignore her antics and see what happens. How can I help her save face and back down from the war?

Oh and I'm glad you got some:-) .

[KateCat]

formflier,

What a wonderful update. Thank you. (Especially for the detailed scene of early morning interaction.)

Have you weathered any sensitive situations yet over her fears of people you meet and things you do away from the home? Are there any new understandings or agreements regarding the non-family portion of your life?

[formflier]

formflier,

What a wonderful update. Thank you. (Especially for the detailed scene of early morning interaction.)

Have you weathered any sensitive situations yet over her fears of people you meet and things you do away from the home? Are there any new understandings or agreements regarding the non-family portion of your life?

No sensitive situations yet... .there really haven't been many "issues"... .but the ones that come up seem to be thinking about past... .replaying past events... .general worry and paranoia.

We're staying away from detailed agreements... .that tends to lead to did you or did you not discussions... ."compliance" issues... .etc etc.

It's odd... .because she actually is accomplishing more and doing more things the way I want them done... .but I don't pester her about the details... .I make sure and praise when things go well... .and try to pitch in and help when things don't.

I try to stay away from things sounding critical... .

[KateCat]

Important pioneering work you are doing. And, even better, you sound realistic enough to know that more tests lie ahead.

I look forward to hearing of any future success you have in handling paranoid accusations "in the present tense" should they arise again. (And, if they don't, I look forward even more to hearing of that. )

[formflier]

Important pioneering work you are doing. And, even better, you sound realistic enough to know that more tests lie ahead.

I look forward to hearing of any future success you have in handling paranoid accusations "in the present tense" should they arise again. (And, if they don't, I look forward even more to hearing of that. )

Yep... .vagueness is hard to deal with.  But... .going specific raises chance of invalidating.

So... I just try to let it roll off...

[Mono No Aware]

Congrats formflier. Keep up the good work.

[thereishope]

Congrats formflier. Keep up the good work.

[Indyan]

Sounds like a fairy tale to me 

Where did you start from on this board?

As I was reading you, I just kept thinking "It can't have gone too bad if they're ok now... ."

so: how much down the road did you go before reverding and driving back up the slope?

[formflier]

Sounds like a fairy tale to me 

Where did you start from on this board?

As I was reading you, I just kept thinking "It can't have gone too bad if they're ok now... ."

so: how much down the road did you go before reverding and driving back up the slope?

You can click on my profile... .then you can see my introductory post and read my past posts... .they are a lot of them... feel free to snoop.

The quick version of how bad it got:

Baby ran into the road... .wife dysregulated and dragged 3 kids into the house to punish them because they were not watching close enough.  I was in the house... didn't know what was going on until I heard the commotion from the spanking.  I ran back there and stood in between her and one of kids.  This was big blowup and I couldn't get agreement that corporal punishment was gone from the house... so I called DSS (child welfare) to check it out.

This resulted in me being out of house for months while we did a semi-therapeutic separation and did all kinds of family counseling, individual counseling... .evaluations... .it was a lot of work.

Slowly and steadily things go repaired... .and now I'm back in the house. 

For those that are familiar... .you'll know I skipped a bunch there.

I'll just say that for months there were more bad days that good... and this incident was just a highlight.

Once wife and I started both owning our issues... .and working on that... .things really got going.

Wanted to say that to be clear that there was a lot for me to work on as well... .and I'm still doing work on me.

I don't see any way this would have happened if I had only pointed a finger at my wife and demanded she change first or things like that... .

[MaroonLiquid]

Sounds like a fairy tale to me 

Where did you start from on this board?

As I was reading you, I just kept thinking "It can't have gone too bad if they're ok now... ."

so: how much down the road did you go before reverding and driving back up the slope?

You can click on my profile... .then you can see my introductory post and read my past posts... .they are a lot of them... feel free to snoop.

The quick version of how bad it got:

Baby ran into the road... .wife dysregulated and dragged 3 kids into the house to punish them because they were not watching close enough.  I was in the house... didn't know what was going on until I heard the commotion from the spanking.  I ran back there and stood in between her and one of kids.  This was big blowup and I couldn't get agreement that corporal punishment was gone from the house... so I called DSS (child welfare) to check it out.

This resulted in me being out of house for months while we did a semi-therapeutic separation and did all kinds of family counseling, individual counseling... .evaluations... .it was a lot of work.

Slowly and steadily things go repaired... .and now I'm back in the house. 

For those that are familiar... .you'll know I skipped a bunch there.

I'll just say that for months there were more bad days that good... and this incident was just a highlight.

Once wife and I started both owning our issues... .and working on that... .things really got going.

Wanted to say that to be clear that there was a lot for me to work on as well... .and I'm still doing work on me.

I don't see any way this would have happened if I had only pointed a finger at my wife and demanded she change first or things like that... .

I'm hoping my wife will see she needs "to change".  Hoping she comes around to want counseling again... .

[Moselle]

We did a semi-therapeutic separation and did all kinds of family counseling, individual counseling... .evaluations... .it was a lot of work.

Slowly and steadily things got repaired... .and now I'm back in the house.

Once wife and I started both owning our issues... .and working on that... .things really got going.

Wanted to say that to be clear that there was a lot for me to work on as well... .and I'm still doing work on me.

Formflier. You mention both being accountable for your issues is important. How did she become accountable for her issues? That's perhaps one of your most amazing achievements.

Also. What was the biggest change you have had to make personally? I ask because I struggle still as an enabler

[formflier]

 

In my case... .DSS said that we both needed to "comply with" our counselors.  Our counselors strongly suggested that we both needed "full evaluations"... .and therapy on an individual basis.  Note:  I had already done these things.

Anyway... .there was some reluctance on her part... .but my impression is that once she got into it... .she saw benefits... .and as I said earlier she now has found her own individual T (a female) and seems to like going to him.

I hope I answered the question... .let me know if any follow ups

[formflier]

Also. What was the biggest change you have had to make personally? 

to not argue... .and to not take what she says personally.

There was a little detaching from the issues and arguments needed to be more objective...

[Indyan]

to not argue... .and to not take what she says personally.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.   

Did your wife mention divorce in the process?

From what you're telling (I'm aware this is a line through the roller coasters!) it sounds as if she was committed to staying the whole time.

[formflier]

 

Mentioned divorce "all the time".  After a while it lost its effectiveness.

[Indyan]

Mentioned divorce "all the time".  After a while it lost its effectiveness.

Wow... .so she mentioned but did nothing?

Did you tell her you DIDN'T want to get divorce?  Or did you just ignore her threats? Or did you agree sometimes?

[Moselle]

Mentioned divorce "all the time".  After a while it lost its effectiveness.

Wow... .so she mentioned but did nothing?

Did you tell her you DIDN'T want to get divorce?  Or did you just ignore her threats? Or did you agree sometimes?

Indyan, I've had 21 threats in 8 months. Hurts every time, but I'm beginning to think she's not serious. Last one was 9 days ago. Haven't heard from her. Perhaps this is the one, but I doubt it.   LOL

[waverider]

I'm hoping my wife will see she needs "to change".  Hoping she comes around to want counseling again... .

Before they can see their own reflection in the pool you have to stop your own splashing around and causing unnecessary ripples.

[Indyan]

Before they can see their own reflection in the pool you have to stop your own splashing around and causing unnecessary ripples.

That's beautiful 

I other words, we need to stop showing strong reactions to their provocations?

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm hoping my wife will see she needs "to change".  Hoping she comes around to want counseling again... .

Before they can see their own reflection in the pool you have to stop your own splashing around and causing unnecessary ripples.

That is what I'm trying to do.  I've been steady in the boat for three and a half months almost.  She is trying everything to get me to react and I won't.  But I won't allow her threats, mistreatment and attempts at using me anymore either.  hence, the email I wrote to her two days ago.  I am getting healthier and need boundaries, not just for her, but for me and what I should and shouldn't allow in my life.

[Moselle]

That is what I'm trying to do.  I've been steady in the boat for three and a half months almost.  She is trying everything to get me to react and I won't. 

Well done! That  takes guts

[thereishope]

That is what I'm trying to do.  I've been steady in the boat for three and a half months almost.  She is trying everything to get me to react and I won't. 

Well done! That  takes guts

Just read a fortune cookie that said... .ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD CAN'T SINK A SHIP UNLESS IT GETS INSIDE.

(Personally trying to figure out how to not let it in... .so far it escapes me... .Sounds like you have this notion though... .Well done!  )

[MaroonLiquid]

That is what I'm trying to do.  I've been steady in the boat for three and a half months almost.  She is trying everything to get me to react and I won't. 

Well done! That  takes guts

Just read a fortune cookie that said... .ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD CAN'T SINK A SHIP UNLESS IT GETS INSIDE.

(Personally trying to figure out how to not let it in... .so far it escapes me... .Sounds like you have this notion though... .Well done!  )

It has been God... .He has given me strength and courage.  Have I JADE'd at times?  Sure... .But never react in a manner she wants me to... .I refuse to blow my top.  She knew the buttons to press that got me there, but those buttons I am getting healed from.  Having never held solid boundaries until now, she is starting to realize that I'm not the person she can push around anymore.  I don't mind not speaking to her for a couple of days if that means she regulates her own emotions and acts like an adult.