To tell or not to tell my BPDh

[ColdEthyl]

I'm in a bit of a quandary. The few months we got together, my dBPDh had a big jealousy issue with all of my male friends I had on facebook from online gaming. These guys lived anywhere from other states and other countries, but he had a huge problem with it. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but I deleted them all.

We have been together 4 years now, one year married. 2 years ago, he randomly came out and said he was wrong for making me delete my friends and he shouldn't have been so selfish.

Yesterday, I heard from my friend who moved to China I haven't heard from in a year. He's married with a baby now. I have known him for almost 10 years now. I was super glad to hear from him.

My issue is that since he lives in China, messaging is the best way for us to be contact. I'm afraid if I tell him I heard from my friend again, he might get jealous. He already said he was wrong at one point, but I'm pretty sure that would go out the window.

I kept my last contact from my friend a year ago from my BPDh. I'm not a liar by nature... .quite the opposite I'm usually blunt to a fault. However, with my husband the rules are different. There are things i don't discuss with him, such as this board.

I would like to have regular contact with my friends, but it's one of these deals that if he happens to see a FB message before I delete it, I'm in big crap. If I tell him, I also might be in big crap.

Does anyone have a way they have dealt with a similar issue with favorable results? Should I just go into this setting a boundary, that I will have contact with my friends, and he can suck it up? Or should I evaluate whether or not my online friendships are worth the potential fight?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello ColdEthyl,

This is an I area I have struggled with over the years with my dBPDh. What I have found works for me is finding a balance that gives me enough of what I want that also doesn't constantly trigger ongoing in securities and paranoid ideation in my husband.

Over the years I have tried various tacts like being all out open and visible with whatever I was doing. For us it didn't work, especially with information about this site and other related subjects. It invalidated my husband in a way I just don't want to be doing, that for me felt insensitive and unnecessary. It was also not liveable with. I was unhappy too.

So I build in time to my day where I spend time participating and posting on here when I am not with my husband. I find time to do this over a coffee, I go to the library. Or I do it when I know I won't be interrupted. I make an informed decision to use a different media device to my husband with a different search engine and settings. My tablet is accessible to him but there would be nothing to find as I clear my history etc. and he is more interested in his own gadgets.

There is no lying or covert operations involved but I do not discuss this part of my life with him. When I was active on FB I didn't discuss that with him either. If he asked I would tell him and go from there because it's not a secret. Social media is not really our thing, but I can see how it would be difficult to keep things private. I think ultimately that is why I don't use it, because I do want to keep things private. Chats with my family I correspond through text and email. Obviously I use a phone but sometimes I know that conversations I am having will trigger my husband. Some my consider this to still be walking on eggshells but it works fine for us. This is an area I am willing to constantly rework and my boundaries here are flexible.

I don't ask my husband what he does on his computer, I wouldn't and never have felt the need to check his phone. He no longer raises the issue with me because I suppose by not talking about it, it has become a non issue now.

For you though using FB means that perhaps a decision is necessary and it sounds like there are people in your life that you would like to be in contact with. You said that your h regretted his behaviour about asking you to delete all your friends in the past. Perhaps just go ahead make the contact and then deal with any fall out if and when it occurs. Having friends and being in contact with them is absolutely your right. It is also good for your emotional well being, providing you with a positive life balance given the challenges that can sometimes be faced for someone who has a SO with BPD.

I do what feels right for me and my husband. This might be something that you have to try different approaches to until you find out what is right for you.

[Yaffle]

I've been in a similar situation.  My uBPD hates me being in contact with an ex work colleague of mine.  We worked together for 7 years and she was the one I talked to about the problems at home but we're also good friends apart from that.  I tried various other methods of contact such as whats app but got found out eventually.  I'd love my ther half to just be happy that we're friends but its not going to happen.

I now email her from work but as we're both busy at work contact is sporadic so its not ideal.  I'd love to come up with a better method.

[ColdEthyl]

thanks for the advice, guys. I'm thinking I'm going to add my friends back, it is important to me. I'm not by nature a social person, but my gaming friends is as close as I like to get... .I personally like keeping them where they are... .on the computer.

I have FB, and he doesn't. He has free access to my email, FB and all of that. I don't have anything to hide, I'm as boring as I look on paper

I do keep to looking at this site just at work to avoid triggering that. Perhaps I will tell him about my friend from China, so if he sees messages from him on my pad he won't get upset, but he might anyways. blah guess I'll think on it some more... .I just worry if he finds out on his own somehow, he will use that as me trying to hide things from him and it would make things worse.