Maybe I should just roll with this triangulation and fear of abandonment thing

[Iwilldecide]

So my boyfriend of several years is married and separated. He is in business with his wife, she's more of an assistant to him, but a very useful one at that. I have a gut feeling he will never get a divorce. he does not want to deal with the lawyers, the money, but i think it has more to do with triangulation and not ever letting people go completely. At first I was insanely jealous but now I am thinking... .perhaps this whole triangle thing is good. From everything I have read about BPD they need to have 2 people just in case, to feel more secure and I guess she is a better 3rd person than someone new. I'm not threatened by her and so she's a safe third person. Also, even though I love to fantasize about a happy marriage/happy ending his financial situation is not that appealing (high functioning and tendency to make LOTS of money and then lose it over periods of 5 to 6 years). I also have this feeling that once he ties me down with a ring he won't be as good to me as he is now. He makes me happy. I have learned over the years how to deal with his occasional, very short, 10 minute rages. He's actually not jealous and lets me have my independence. I have children and am divorced and he supports my time with them and with outside friends and family.  Everything has been going very well. I just wish I could give up on that marriage fantasy/alternative family/brady bunch picture I'm longing for. I did not like being married so I don't know why I think I would like it again. Please some words of encouragement to tell me it doesn't matter and we are doing the right thing by not living together!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

So my boyfriend of several years is married and separated.

Please some words of encouragement to tell me it doesn't matter and we are doing the right thing by not living together!

Since the first statement is in effect, I would then say that you are doing the right thing by not living together.

Not sure I'd encourage you by saying that it doesn't matter though (the being involved with a man who has a wife he is not divorced from, and has BPD to boot).

But it works for you, and him... .How does it work for his wife? Has she any interest in trying to save her marriage (hence the lack of a divorce)?

Is she Okay with all of this? If so... .well, maybe your theory is fine for the 3 of you... .

Gotta say, it's an interesting way to look at triangulation, though  

[Iwilldecide]

The wife is very angry and wants a divorce. She is dating or trying to. I think Shes mad but I think she is working hard at moving on which is nice to see. It took a long time to get here. At first I think he was misleading her because he did not trust me but now that he does she is clear about the situation and living Her own life.

[ColdEthyl]

From everything I have read about BPD they need to have 2 people just in case, to feel more secure and I guess she is a better 3rd person than someone new.

I'm not sure I agree with statement, however if the wife is ok with the situation, I would say it's ok. Otherwise, there's another person here being hurt.

[formflier]

So your goal in this relationship is... .?