It's just strange but all my BPD bf wants is physical intimacy,why?

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

I have this question that I have in my mind since quite sometime but I was quite hesitant asking as idk how to put it up... my boyfriend who's BPD is all about physical intimacy.we had a connection a very deep emotinol connection but now I just don't feel emotinolly attached to him... well mostly it's because when I need him emotinolly  he is not there,when I go through stressful days he never realises it,I try to talk to him about what's happening in my life and how everything affects me but he doesn't really listen or show any concern about it so now I just don't talk about my problems or the usual stuff that happens as I have felt that he is not genuinely concerned or intrested in any of it and its not just that I always show intrest in whatever's up with him or happening in his life and try to talk to him when he is concerned or vulnerable due to any of internal turmoil.he doesn't want to talk about it either .

What's bothering me is that if we don't try to understand each other as in knowing that what kind if life we are leading and how it's emotinolly affecting us then how will we truly be enotinolly intimate... I have been trying to make it happen but it seems that it's not happening.

We meet up and talk like any other couple but the thing is that its all about sex... mostly fulfilling his sexual fantasies whichever include being promiscuous(imaginary) too.

I wanna talk to him but when I really need him,he be distant and afterwards when he is in mood to listen ,there's nothing left to talk about.idk if what I am writing is making sense but its very confusing... I can't live like that... what good a relationship is if you can't even talk your mind to the person you are in love with...

Sometimes it feels like our relationship is all build up on basis of sex.is it because we are not compatible with each other or is it because of the BPD's threat of intimacy ...

If its BPD playing up then what am I suppose to do about it?

I feel as if I really need to talk to him but I don't want to trigger his abandonment issues.

Idk if I still love him or just playing along as I don't know what I really want...

I am deeply confused about this relationship ...

Cause to be honest there is nothing left between us besides all kind of kinky sex no emotinol bonding at all.

Is this BPD ?is it us being incompatible? How do I sort this out?

How to approach him?is this even real or is it all in my head?or is it one of the BPD intimacy issue here... like being close but not being too close.i feel he is just objectifying me so when it ends it won't hurt him that much...

Please feel free to ask any questions if I haven't described everything clearly.

I am just confused about this relationship,I feel

As if its not meant to be... .

Any help be really appreciated .

Thank you .

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[formflier]

  How do I sort this out?

Excellent question... .

How are you doing on reading lessons?  How are you doing on implementing those lessons in your r/s?

What you want to do is use the lessons to help "stabilize" things in your r/s so you can give it a good evaluation.  You can then think through what you want and don't want out of a r/s without the crazyness of out of control BPD traits interfering with your thinking.

You can also think trough your core values... .things that you are ok changing about yourself... and things that you need to hold fast to about yourself... stuff that can't change.

Please keep posting and asking questions as you sort this out... .you are in the right place to work through this... .!

 

[Grey Kitty]

I am deeply confused about this relationship ...

Cause to be honest there is nothing left between us besides all kind of kinky sex no emotinol bonding at all.

Is this BPD ?is it us being incompatible? How do I sort this out?

I agree with formflier that you would do well to read up and work on how to improve the r/s and work though the lessons here--If you shift your behavior, his will likely shift as well, but give it some time.

As foryour questions... .I think BPD does limit the ability to be empathetic and to be a full emotional partner... .but exactly how much can vary a lot. And recovery does happen.

However, there is another way I'd look at it--there are a variety of things you need/want in your life, and even if your partner is mentally and emotionally healthy, getting EVERYTHING from one person isn't a good idea.

So what do you need/want that you aren't getting from him right now, and are there other healthy ways for you to get it?

[Kasina]

Thank you form filler for the suggestion and advice.

As you suggested I should read the lessons and learn the tools I m reading already and trying to implicate it into my relationship so I can stabilise it.its like learning a total foreign language all the do's and donts are so difficult to follow at times because being a non your way of communication and emotional response is almost ingrained in your subconscious,it's like knee jerk reflex... it's really difficult to keep my emotions at a side and just try to understand my partners state of mind at a moment of conflict and then trying to speak in a way that a person with High emotional sensitivity would understand it is just way too hard cause at the same time my emotion are also very dysregulated but I am trying to learn the tools so that we can have a middle ground and work things out...


I have learned from the lessons that I have done a lot of invalidation even though I understood perfectly well what he wanted or felt that moment... I just didn't know how to communicate in a way that won't trigger him and made him feel misunderstood.

TBH I m still not very good at it but I try to validate him as much as I can but at sometime my emotions are so astray that I just can't do it so i mostly give in to him ending my arguments by saying that' I m sorry and whatever you say is right and i just don't like arguing with you so much and I want us to understand each other' .

I guess I just have to move slowly and read carefully and understand all the tools and how to use them... one step at a time.

I m just glad that I found the right place here 

[Kasina]

Hello again grey kitty,

I understand what your suggesting and thank you for the reply.

I know I should learn the tools and read Lessons and I am already on it.it just seems so hard I have been trying to make things work probably not the right way but for quite long and I do want this relationship to workout but sometimes I feel like just giving up

Cause even though I love him but I don't think I m the right person for him.i can't take care of him and he probably is working hard to not to be so emotionally dysregulated but he can't help it maybe its me...

We both are trying in our own ways to work things out to make it work because yes the feeling of love for each other is mutual but maybe we are not right for each other ...

No matter what I do or he does we end up invalidating each other and kind if bury our feelings deep inside just to avoid he conflict which is not good as the issues remain unresolved

Thank you anyway 

[Grey Kitty]

No matter what I do or he does we end up invalidating each other and kind if bury our feelings deep inside just to avoid he conflict which is not good as the issues remain unresolved

I agree with you--the constant invalidating going both ways doesn't work.

I also agree that trying to bury the feelings and avoid conflict doesn't work either.

But having been there myself, I don't believe the constant invalidation is inevitable.

I was able to recognize the invalidating things I was saying, and just not say them, sometimes by simply saying nothing, if I couldn't think of a good and validating response. It wasn't easy, it took practice... .and sometimes I still slip up, but I do it maybe 1% as often as I once did.

When it comes to him invalidating you--you cannot stop that, and he probably won't unless he recovers significantly. I did learn two techniques I could use that did help me and help my relationship.

First, I learned to not take it personally--realize that my partner was saying these things because she was hurting and lost in some emotions, etc... .I would listen for the hurt she was feeling underneath the horrible things she was saying to me.  It didn't work all the time... .and even when I was able to do this, I could be worn down.

Second, I learned to just leave that conversation, let my partner continue to stew, blame me, think invalidating thoughts, even tell them to the empty room, or somebody else if she wanted to... .but not participate in it, and thus not get hurt by it anymore.

I hope this helps you... .whatever choice you make.