Another Friend Gone

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been two years since my ex and I broke up. I don't miss her - I hate her and what she did to my life. What I do miss are my friends. She's been taking them away over the past couple years. And now I've been having to make the choice to let the rest go. If they choose to be her friend after all the abuse, then I can't be close to them any more. End of story. Self care. Self protection. I thought I was done backing away from people, though. Today I had to immediately decide to let another one go because they have become friends with my ex again - this is a year after a long conversation I had with this person when I confided in her about all the abuse, and where she confided in me about how horrible she thought the abuse was when she saw it happening to me first hand. Now I see that they are hanging out online. Unbelievable. I'm pissed, I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel betrayed. But anyone who is friends with this - I can only describe her as evil - evil person, I cannot trust, especially if they know the details of the abuse and choose to be her friend anyway. They might tell her details of my life. I can't have her knowing anything about me. And one thing I learned from all the awful stuff I have been through is that a small amount of good friends is better than a lot of friends I cannot trust, or friends who align themselves with an abuser. I'm still angry though. I really, really like this friend, and I have to cut her loose, and I'm completely pissed off about that. But if she's going to align herself with an abuser, then I was wrong about her and I cannot trust her.

[FindPeace]

It's been two years since my ex and I broke up. I don't miss her - I hate her and what she did to my life. What I do miss are my friends. She's been taking them away over the past couple years. And now I've been having to make the choice to let the rest go. If they choose to be her friend after all the abuse, then I can't be close to them any more. End of story. Self care. Self protection. I thought I was done backing away from people, though. Today I had to immediately decide to let another one go because they have become friends with my ex again - this is a year after a long conversation I had with this person when I confided in her about all the abuse, and where she confided in me about how horrible she thought the abuse was when she saw it happening to me first hand. Now I see that they are hanging out online. Unbelievable. I'm pissed, I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel betrayed. But anyone who is friends with this - I can only describe her as evil - evil person, I cannot trust, especially if they know the details of the abuse and choose to be her friend anyway. They might tell her details of my life. I can't have her knowing anything about me. And one thing I learned from all the awful stuff I have been through is that a small amount of good friends is better than a lot of friends I cannot trust, or friends who align themselves with an abuser. I'm still angry though. I really, really like this friend, and I have to cut her loose, and I'm completely pissed off about that. But if she's going to align herself with an abuser, then I was wrong about her and I cannot trust her.

[Tiepje3]

Hello FindPeace, I've been struggling with the same issue right now. I'm not yet decided about letting the friends (couple) go, but I'm thinking about it. What does it say about their standards if they stay friends with my stbxuBPD/NPDh, knowing what he did to me, having heard the recording of one of his rantings, knowing he has a replacement. I don't think I want to deal with people who condone adultery and emotional and verbal abuse towards a woman (me).

On the other hand, they know a different person. They befriended the outwardly nice and high-functioning man. That man is their friend, not the one he was towards me.

But yes, I think I'm going to let them go.

It's hard letting go of people who you liked to be friends with and whom you trusted. I understand your feelings.

[Deeno02]

It's been two years since my ex and I broke up. I don't miss her - I hate her and what she did to my life. What I do miss are my friends. She's been taking them away over the past couple years. And now I've been having to make the choice to let the rest go. If they choose to be her friend after all the abuse, then I can't be close to them any more. End of story. Self care. Self protection. I thought I was done backing away from people, though. Today I had to immediately decide to let another one go because they have become friends with my ex again - this is a year after a long conversation I had with this person when I confided in her about all the abuse, and where she confided in me about how horrible she thought the abuse was when she saw it happening to me first hand. Now I see that they are hanging out online. Unbelievable. I'm pissed, I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel betrayed. But anyone who is friends with this - I can only describe her as evil - evil person, I cannot trust, especially if they know the details of the abuse and choose to be her friend anyway. They might tell her details of my life. I can't have her knowing anything about me. And one thing I learned from all the awful stuff I have been through is that a small amount of good friends is better than a lot of friends I cannot trust, or friends who align themselves with an abuser. I'm still angry though. I really, really like this friend, and I have to cut her loose, and I'm completely pissed off about that. But if she's going to align herself with an abuser, then I was wrong about her and I cannot trust her.

Not a worry for me. She kept me well away from her friends. In a year and a half, I only met them 4 times and those were large events where I was just a speck on the wall. So only thing I lost was her and her 5 kids... .and my sanity.

[jorge]

I had a conflict with my ex best male friend who my therapist considered to have BPD about property I tried to get back after our friendship broke. i wouldn't back down and eventually engaged a lawyer. Almost our complete shared circle of friends aligned themselves with him and I was attacked by flying monkeys who demanded from me to let him alone, not to anger him. I let the whole circle go - en bloc. And it was extremely liberating.

[Mutt]

It's been two years since my ex and I broke up. I don't miss her - I hate her and what she did to my life. What I do miss are my friends. She's been taking them away over the past couple years. And now I've been having to make the choice to let the rest go. If they choose to be her friend after all the abuse, then I can't be close to them any more. End of story. Self care. Self protection. I thought I was done backing away from people, though. Today I had to immediately decide to let another one go because they have become friends with my ex again - this is a year after a long conversation I had with this person when I confided in her about all the abuse, and where she confided in me about how horrible she thought the abuse was when she saw it happening to me first hand. Now I see that they are hanging out online. Unbelievable. I'm pissed, I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel betrayed. But anyone who is friends with this - I can only describe her as evil - evil person, I cannot trust, especially if they know the details of the abuse and choose to be her friend anyway. They might tell her details of my life. I can't have her knowing anything about me. And one thing I learned from all the awful stuff I have been through is that a small amount of good friends is better than a lot of friends I cannot trust, or friends who align themselves with an abuser. I'm still angry though. I really, really like this friend, and I have to cut her loose, and I'm completely pissed off about that. But if she's going to align herself with an abuser, then I was wrong about her and I cannot trust her.

I agree it's better to have a couple of good friends close than many friends and not close.

I'm sorry this is difficult. It's tough losing another friend that you confided in. Do you know for certain that she's saying things about you and betraying you? What were they talking about when you saw her status online. Perhaps she chooses to be friends with both or it was about something else.

I can't control that a friend would want to talk to my ex, it's their choice. I can choose what I tell my friend. I can set a boundary on myself and not talk about specifics or anything personal in the context of my ex.

I choose to not talk about her anymore with family or friends because they don't understand the emotional abuse. I keep that for my T. I have certain people that I trust know it stays only between us, I also don't talk to all of my friends the same way.

I also understand that you shared very difficult and hurtful things that are not easy to talk about. If you have to let her go because of this it's hard  

[Bak86]

My ex forbid 2 coworkers to talk to me, they sometimes still do and my ex gets mad at them and asks what we talked about. Manipulation at it's finest. They are sick people.

[Mutt]

My ex forbid 2 coworkers to talk to me, they sometimes still do and my ex gets mad at them and asks what we talked about. Manipulation at it's finest. They are sick people.

It's control, an illusion. Your ex is insecure.

[Bak86]

My ex forbid 2 coworkers to talk to me, they sometimes still do and my ex gets mad at them and asks what we talked about. Manipulation at it's finest. They are sick people.

It's control, an illusion. Your ex is insecure.

Yes. She doesn't want to lose control. I'm glad she's out of my team now, so i don't have to see her often. Told my managers that i didn't want to work with her any longer. They complied. She's gonna lose control of the situation at work i'm sure, as she is working in a team with people who work there for about 30 years already and are very strict. My ex always gives a big mouth to other coworkers, but i'm sure these people won't accept her behavior. Wouldn't surprise me if she would dissociate after a while.

[inthenow]

I've had friends 'mysteriously' stop talking to me and I know it's to do with my BPDxgf.

I don't really see as there's much you can do, just how life is sometimes, friends do come and go and it really does make you appreciate the ones who stay friends.

Remember your friends weren't in that relationship, they didn't feel that pain.

[rockinne]

I have to admit that I don't see things the same way as is being communicated in this thread.  I still maintain friendship with those who remain friends with my ex. I have never spoken with them about the events during the toxic relationship.  I don't know think my ex spoke about the "abuse" she accused me of either.  I think it's fine for them to remain in the relationship with her and am not bothered by it.  After all, they never went through any of the abuse and manipulation that I did with her, so have no reason to abandon her as a friend in my behalf. 

Sure, the relationship we had was damaging and I felt abused in many ways.  However, I take responsibility for my codependence and the way I allowed those things to happen.  I was the enabler in the relationship and without my own behaviors, my ex would have never been able to hurt me the way that she did.  I hear from the friends that we share that she is doing much better now and starting to find ways to heal.  I am doing much better now and healing in my own ways.  I left that toxic relationship for my own sake and for hers,  but don't feel it is necessary for everyone else to leave her because I did.  I don't resent those friends or feel that they owe me their loyalty and must abandon her as proof.  I hope that is not what is being communicated in this thread.  Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying.  I apologize if that is the case. 

[FindPeace]

but don't feel it is necessary for everyone else to leave her because I did.  I don't resent those friends or feel that they owe me their loyalty and must abandon her as proof.  I hope that is not what is being communicated in this thread.  Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying.  I apologize if that is the case. 

Yikes. I can see how you'd interpret what I said this way - how embarrassing. No, that's not what I am saying.

My ex was a textbook abuser. For instance, I once needed to go to an emergency room, could not get there myself, and she refused to take me. She isolated me from my friends and controlled my money. I experienced psychological battering to a point of suicidal ideation. I now suffer from PTSD, nightmares and severe anxiety. Physical and emotional battering both are damaging. If I, for instance, found out that someone I called family - as this circle of friends and I did - was being physically beaten up, not taken to the hospital etc by their spouse, I would not feel inclined to befriend that person. Actually, even if I was not close to the parties involved, I wouldn't be inclined to befriend a person like that. I don't think that the emotional harm that I experienced is terribly different. In my case, a lot of my friends stopped spending time with me, and chose to instead spend time with my former abuser instead. When my ex and I were together, she wasn't close to those people - in fact she told me that she hated them as  a means of isolating me. So by and large, these relationships between them and her developed after the breakup occurred. It's been really hard for me, and further isolating. When you don't have a lot of blood family and all you have is chosen family, it's rough to lose those people.

I do take responsibility for the self work that is necessary to not end up in a situation like that ever again, certainly. In this post, I was focusing on an ongoing issue that I have had to deal with that has been hurtful and complicated wherein I've had to closely examine my relationships with the people that have been closest to me for many years. It's certainly been a positive thing overall as far as self growth is concerned, but it's also felt in some ways like an extension of the damaging experience with my ex, which has been very difficult.

[FindPeace]

I agree it's better to have a couple of good friends close than many friends and not close.

I'm sorry this is difficult. It's tough losing another friend that you confided in. Do you know for certain that she's saying things about you and betraying you? What were they talking about when you saw her status online. Perhaps she chooses to be friends with both or it was about something else.

I can't control that a friend would want to talk to my ex, it's their choice. I can choose what I tell my friend. I can set a boundary on myself and not talk about specifics or anything personal in the context of my ex.

I choose to not talk about her anymore with family or friends because they don't understand the emotional abuse. I keep that for my T. I have certain people that I trust know it stays only between us, I also don't talk to all of my friends the same way.

I also understand that you shared very difficult and hurtful things that are not easy to talk about. If you have to let her go because of this it's hard  

The zen proverb in your sig is perfect.

"I choose to not talk about her anymore with family or friends because they don't understand the emotional abuse. I keep that for my T. I have certain people that I trust know it stays only between us, I also don't talk to all of my friends the same way."

I think part of why this experience was extra difficult was because I have not said too much about the details of my experience with most people, and I feel particularly betrayed in this case. The very few close people who I tried to reach out to when I needed help, didn't seem to really believe me, and when she reached out to them they later befriended her when they had not been friends with her during the relationship. I didn't want people to think I was being immature, and I dislike drama and I generally keep things to myself anyway... .so within the broader context of my social situation, I'd stayed silent. I know that in some cases that was probably shooting myself in the foot, because some folks simply don't know. That's just how it is, it's fine. In this case, this person was someone who I trusted a lot, and was asking for help from while I was still in the situation; I didn't know where to turn, was suicidal and had just had a bad experience with a therapist. She was in a place, professionally, where I thought she might know where I could turn, and she also was a close friend. In hindsight, I think this is perhaps an example of the poor choices I used to make when choosing who to trust.

Anyway. Maybe my original post had too complicated of a root system, metaphorically speaking, to post.

It comes down to the zen quote in your sig. I need to learn to let go. This means letting go of family / friends and not being attached to that concept either. It's just hard; human beings are generally pack animals to some degree. Losing tribe isn't easy. In this case it's for the best.

[DangIthurts]

I've actually done the opposite Ive accumulated MORE friends form that part of town and will have a reason to be there hahaha.

[enlighten me]

My ex never had anything to do with my friends so I dont have that problem. One thing ive noticed since the break up is that her friends and familyvarecall really nice to me. I think they have seen her do it too many times and the way she treated hasnt sat well with them. She had a little smear campaign but people have been set straight on it and those that I dont know dont matter.

[DangIthurts]

My ex never had anything to do with my friends so I dont have that problem. One thing ive noticed since the break up is that her friends and familyvarecall really nice to me. I think they have seen her do it too many times and the way she treated hasnt sat well with them. She had a little smear campaign but people have been set straight on it and those that I dont know dont matter.

I noticed this too... I'm getting treated better, I think they know I wasn't perfect but seeing her in a relationship 3 weeks after someone truly genuine probably has their eyebrows up.

[letmeout]

I lost many people after I divorced my BPD abuser, mostly because he went on a huge smear campaign against me in order to take the focus off of his bad behaviors. He also had an uncanny habit of believing his own lies.

Though a lot of friends & family knew the truth, he has managed to brainwash people into believing some of those lies since repeating them over & over & over.

There is a saying that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. No one wants to be on the receiving end of his insanity, therefore I understand why people would choose to stay friendly with him.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, my husband left a couple weeks ago, and I fear that eventually the smear campaign will start. He told his brother that he "treats me really badly", and his brother said "just stop", to which my husband said "I can't seem to stop". You'd think his diagnosis, and the fact that he admitted it would mean something, but no, he just wants to start over with someone new he can hoodwink.

As of now, his brother and SIL are sympathetic to me. That could all change, as I've had SIL go off on me before. I'm glad she's being sympathetic for now. She says I need to stop taking so much blame, and wondering what I could have done differently. I don't really feel I am taking blame, but maybe I am. I know they love my husband, but they think he's acting in not nice way. They both feel that you WORK on your marriage, you don't just run. Heck, I was willing to stay, and he's diagnosed, and he was absolutely awful to me, often. I just thought, it took so long to get him diagnosed, it wasn't that long ago, his meds seem to have made him worse, give it some time. Keep trying. He had other ideas. He says he needs to figure out what makes him happy. Whatever that means. Why that means we can't be married, is beyond me, and it's probably just another of his lies.

I've decided to not spend too much time worrying about what he says about me. Right now, I'm experiencing too much RELIEF to worry too much about that. It almost seems like a fair price to pay for PEACE. Those who really know me, or know his past won't totally buy into it, anyway.

I guess I'm lucky we didn't share many friends. His "friends" were mostly his family. Family was all to him, and I never quite got family status, nor did my family with him.

[Deeno02]

I was pretty much kept from her friends. Only met them 4 times in 16 months and those were large events where I was left to my own devices. We never did things with other couples or with my friends. So, in reality, I didn't lose anything but whatever shred of trust I had left, my sanity, an ungreatful, unappreciative jackass gf, and her 5 kids I loved.

[Infared]

I had friends... .she didn't.

I kept all my friends.

... .but I get it... .after the way I was treated with all the lies and manipulation I would not interact in any deep way anyone who was in contact with her. Everything she would be doing in regards that person would be a manipulation and they would have no clue. None.

So toxic. I simply would keep my distance from all the tainted. I call it self-preservation... .with absolutely no apologies.

[letmeout]

Self preservation and healing is what its all about now. Everyone keep up the faith in yourself and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[BrokenFamily]

I can see how it would be a problem and have experienced it with my ex but don't see why a mutual friend would have to choose sides. Many have remained both our friends and many have chosen sides but I don't let it bother me. You shouldn't either.