I don't know what she wants?

[Infern0]

Ok,  so after she left me for another guy a few months ago she was trying to friendzone me. I refused and she blew up and split me black.

I went NC which lasted about 4 days before she was begging to talk to me etc.

During this whole time her replacement RS has not gone well at all,  it seems to be on and off,  and I don't actually think she is with him anymore.

It's odd because she has been really nice to me,  I decided myself that I would keep communication open,  but not be friendzoned.  I don't mind texting but I'm not going shoe shopping with her or being an emotional tampon.

So anyway we have been texting a lot,  kinda playful, kind of how it used to be between us when we were starting to get together.

She asked to see me a couple of times but as always was quite flighty,  I said just let me know when you are ready and we can hang out.  Then she did a drive by the other day and actually told me about it and said she felt "kinda weird" for doing it.

I'm just not sure what I should do. We broke up because I engulfed her,  she's very flighty and nervous most of the time. She suffers comorbid traits and gets tired a lot due to being on medication.

Should I just keep it light and let her warm up to the idea of seeing me? 

By the way she suggested the kind of things we used to do as dates,  and that she would buy me dinner but she's terrible at following through,  and said she was tired.  But we talked on skype video and she was at home in bed so she was being truthful.

I've decided that I would give things another go but I don't want to be tricked into the friendzone.  I'm just not doing it.  Buy it's hard to tell if this is leading to a recycle or not. I am cautious because she's flighty and gets engulfed easily.  So if I go giving it the "what are we" she will vanish in a puff of smoke

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Shell never know what "she wants" because shes not in dbt therapy to cognitively even understand how to analyze her emotions much less regulate or discern them from facts. Im realizing untreated BPD girls love having the "nice guy" in the wings to "talk to" aka as "dump problems" aka "supply" while they emulate their fathers ___ty treatment in the new guy theyre with.

You talk about how she talks to you "sort of" like she used to. Mines doing the same and has even gone as far as telling me she loves me and misses me. Sending me song lyrics. Yet she flakes and breaks commitments on a regular basis like your ex does as well. I started to make the excuse that she was just "going to be engulfed again" too. Man do i feel like im lieing to myself when i think about it. Shes with the new guy all the time... shouldnt she be "engulfed"... nope because engulfment can only happen when real intimacy is truly involved. But guess what the sick joke of it all is were "providing that" so the new guy doesnt have to. Goes for abandonment too because look were "always there" when shes lonely. Were essentially assuaging both of her fears and using our new found skills of communication to "not trigger her". So were playing the game to level the playing field for the new guy without any effort on his part and without us reaping any benefits whatsoever. Triangulation at its finest. And as long as were around well just keep being the conduit to which their relationship can dump any extra problems and thrive.

My advice in being in the same exact situation as you is that itll never work out as you hoped. Shell always go for the losers intimately and triangulate in any emotional support. Yea shell stay with guys like us for a while but once she realizes what we can provide they get scared. But they still "love" the supply and attention. So they keep us around to string along from thereon. I beleive things will never go back to the way they were. How can they when we got so close to "real her". We may get recycled but its only temporary until she can start the cycle with a fresh host. A blank slate. We may be white but their is a black that has been proven to show through since the first time we showed our humanness. Destroying the "savior" image they thrive to project in their endless pursuit of making the fantasy a reality.

What im doing now is asking myself "what do i want" and after my second panic attack yesterday in a month from her dumping all her volitiale emotions on me i can tell you its not this. Nothings changed. Nothing will. Not until they get help. Yeah shell admit shes BPD when im white but essentially those words mean nothing because as soon as any black shows they are forgotten and scapegoated back onto us. The disorder is relentless chaos. You can use all the techniques in the world on your end but at the end of the day shes still going to try to pull the same crap over and over. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Pure insanity.

Im finally coming to terms that my username, my gut instinct of the situation is in fact the truth. Were all just chasing ghosts. My "love" is a hopeless addiction to anothers intense emotions that i couldn't at one point manufacture myself because of my own inadequacies leading me seek out such an unhealthy individual in the first place. Well now im ready to accept the reality of it all. Accept that she was only brought into my life as a key to unlock the potential i had locked away within. Accept the the image she projected of the girl i feel in love with are lost in the sands of time never to be seen again but only in glimpses... glimpses that stopped giving me hope and now just torment the very depths of my soul. I want my best friend and my soul mate back but id lose my sanity in the process of only getting these glimpses. To me the end not longer justifies the means. I love her and if shed get help id marry her tomorrow... but now im just projecting the fantasy trying to make it a reality... see how it goes both ways. Were just as guilty as they are for playing into all of this.   

Idk about you Infern0 but im finally ready to wake up from this nightmare that im in so that it doesnt haunt me till my bitter end.