From the mind of a quiet borderline

[findingmyselfagain]

The quiet borderline was my hook. I was close to my ex's hurt, and I probably hurt for her almost as much as she hurt for herself. I hoped that my love/compassion would win her over and calm her fears. In the end she destroyed our relationship and left my world shattered, as like many I fell in love with being in love instead of who I was really with. I've come a long way since then. My feelings for her are more at a respectable distance. I do still have compassion for her and hope someday she gets well. I also understand I don't want to be anywhere near the destruction until that happens. It doesn't make sense to someone who wants to be a compassionate and loving person, but I'm learning to be less codependent. It does make sense when I recognize that I don't need to be in close relationship with people who don't reciprocate the kind of respect and compassion that I offer.

When I was with her, I didn't have any idea that she might suffer from BPD. It took a lot of soul-searching, googling, talking with others on this Board, to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I don't believe I'll ever get the full story from her, but the blog below is something that really hit home with me about what the quiet borderline might feel like. I think this is the closest I'll get to understanding what reeled me into the dynamic.

"Hi all... .I'm a 27 yr old girl and I haven't been diagnosed officially as BPD but after 2 Therapists, a Psychiatrist, and a nurse practitioner all suggested it, I started researching and I'm still a little confused but I hope you won't be mad at me for posting here prematurely... .It's just that when I really examine my past behaviors and thought processes, it all fits. My insurance has a HORRIBLE mental health department so I'm not counting on a lot of help from them and I wanted to see what other options I may have... .

I admit, at first BPD didn't make sense to me because I don't tend to have angry outbursts - I turn my anger inward and go into a depressive episode, instead. But the emotional instability (everything I feel – both good and bad- is so fleeting), the lack of identity (I've re-created/ re-invented myself so many times I've lost count), and the major trouble with interpersonal relationships (I always have to be the “victim” - and I sometimes have been because I would let people walk all over me just to keep them close. But I also spent a lot of time pushing loved ones away, testing the bonds til they broke) all rings so true…

Someone mentioned in a BPD blog I read that they walk around feeling like a “raw nerve” and I almost cried when I read that because I used that exact language about a year ago when I was trying to explain my emotional state to a friend. I feel like my emotional reaction to events in my life is almost never in "proper" proportion to the event itself.

I've usually blamed my Depression (diagnosed at age 16) for these feelings. I've also blamed the Depression for the constant feelings of emptiness… some days it feels like I'm completely hollow on the inside and I'm just going through the motions of everyday life. I have a very competent façade, most people who don't know me well think I'm highly intelligent and that I have my ___ together. All my life, I've gotten compliments on my intelligence, my maturity, and how well-spoken I am. I've never felt I deserved them because I feel like it's all play-acting. I'm playing the part of a grown-up, but if pressed, I'd crumble in on myself and be nothing but a small, scared child who is trying desperately to figure it all out.

Most of the time, I feel a complete lack of *connection* with the rest of the world… I have felt so isolated most of my life… Growing up, I described it as being inside a bubble, like I could reach out and I could even see others reaching back, occasionally, but I could never feel it. When I came across the description of a “Quiet Borderline” it clicked. There is so much hatred and anger and self-loathing built up inside me and I sometimes release it in little ways, by saying nasty things or picking unnecessary arguments, but mostly I've kept it bottled up inside and I've cried and I've hated myself for being so weak and stupid and I've quietly hated others for caring about me when I didn't deserve it or for not caring as much as I felt they should when I needed it. I have been rationalizing and denying my mercurial behavior and unpredictable emotional reactions for years.

Example: My best friend in college didn't want to take a walk with me one day. I got irrationally angry about it and I said something so cruel that she actually cried… I felt terrible about it, but I found a way to justify it (blaming her for not spending enough time with me in recent days). That action still haunts me and it was years ago. I know there have been a lot of similar incidences with close friends and lovers all my life. I always excused it by saying that my reactions had been provoked or that I was getting my period or that I was depressed and they just didn't understand. But when the people who have been closest to me in my life all currently dislike me (excepting my current set of friends, who I am working very hard to maintain), I have to figure out eventually that the common denominator must be ME.

I've also been so self-pitying my whole life, figuring my Depression must be to blame. I don't have just depressive episodes, I go into suicidal fits of non-stop crying at what sometimes seems like the slightest provocation. But then they end and it feels like it never happened. It's not that I'm so depressed I want to die… I would never want to hurt my parents like that. I just want it all to STOP. I want the emotional roller coaster to arrive at a safe, still spot so I can get off of it and stop wondering if I will end my day laughing or crying… stop wondering if I should even bother making plans because if they get canceled, I know it could set me off… stop trying desperately NOT to feel any strong emotions for another person because I know that that emotion may not last and that one day I may just change my mind and end up hurting someone that I tricked into falling in love with me.

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

I was never physically or sexually abused, that I can remember. But I was an extremely sensitive child. My mother and I would argue constantly because I questioned her authority over me from practically the day I could talk. I threw quite a few tantrums but after each fight, I would track down my mother and beg her to tell me she still loved me, because I was convinced that when she was angry, she stopped loving me and that she would go away.

From the age of 9 to the age of 16, I underwent constant verbal and emotional abuse at a private school run by a Sadist. I'm not exaggerating. He insulted us so much that cruelty became the local vocabulary. If you couldn't make another student cry within about 5 minutes of meeting them, you weren't going to survive. One girl left and had to be checked into a mental hospital (or so rumor had it) because other kids had been so cruel to her. She wasn't in any of my classes and I didn't really know the girl, but I remember the reaction around the lunch table was a few forlorn smiles, a shake of the head and “She couldn't hack it.”

And yet, sometimes I think I must be over-thinking things or exaggerating my situation because, when I feel “normal” it's like a lot of these thoughts and feelings never happened. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar because I do get bursts of good feeling too, but if I'm BP, it's extremely fast-cycling because I've never had a good mood last for more than a couple days at a time and it's usually followed by a bad mood for a day or 2 (a sort of "malaise"Wink. The depressive states don't usually last more than a few days either, but the emptiness and feeling of meaninglessness always linger for a while... .And I get bored ALL the time. Everything bores me and I HATE that because, intellectually, I think life and people and so many things are fascinating but I'm rarely in the mood to enjoy them... .

But since the abuse I suffered was NOTHING compared to some people I've known (friends who were raped and/or beaten in childhood) I feel like I don't have a right to be this ___ed up. I feel like my own internal struggle is invalidated because I didn't suffer enough to justify it."

... ."I think I've been in denial most of my life, so far. I've lied to therapists straight out and told them things that were not accurate because I was always so desperate to appear "normal" or at least "ok". The only thing I'd ever admit to were the depressive episodes. I've never had a decent therapist who could see thru my BS... .These recent suggestions of BPD have only started cropping up because I'm finally admitting to some of my... .less appropriate behavior patterns and emotional reactions. They've always existed, I've just been *really* good at covering them up :-/

"Quiet" or "waif" borderline was what really made me pay attention to the Dx as a possibility because, when I lose my temper, I don't tend to rage and act out. I may say or do something very subtly nasty, but more often than not, I just curl up inside and hate myself. I've mentioned to friends that I have trouble expressing rage, but no one ever believed me because hardly anyone ever saw me get angry... ."

"I just started seeing a really wonderful person but I am trying to keep emotions at bay because I don't want to hurt anyone (or myself) again... .One minute I think I could fall in love and then I remind myself what happens when I do... .and sometimes I go cold and don't think we will last anyway. Sigh."

[Blimblam]

Yes a know the waif well.

She gave some insight into the devaluing very subtle so easier to gaslight it really slowly drives you insane.

[lm911]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

[camuse]

And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them.

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Great insight, thanks!

Repulsed is such a strong word and shows how messed up they are - who on earth would be "repulsed" by the person they just ditched overnight for no reason not being able to turn off their feelings in an instant? Not sad or sympathetic, not even irritated, or annoyed, or even frustrated, or even angry ... .repulsed! It's just so very very very twisted.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them.

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Great insight, thanks!

Repulsed is such a strong word and shows how messed up they are - who on earth would be "repulsed" by the person they just ditched overnight for no reason not being able to turn off their feelings in an instant? Not sad or sympathetic, not even irritated, or annoyed, or even frustrated, or even angry ... .repulsed! It's just so very very very twisted.

It was the hardest thing for me to accept - that my so called "soul mate" never did love me in the true sense of the term.  But once accepted we can move on.  A hard lesson to learn but a good lesson.

[Bak86]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Absolutely spot on. My ex got pissed at me when i still had feelings for her. Told me "breakups happen, deal with it". So cold.

[fred6]

And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them.

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Great insight, thanks!

Repulsed is such a strong word and shows how messed up they are - who on earth would be "repulsed" by the person they just ditched overnight for no reason not being able to turn off their feelings in an instant? Not sad or sympathetic, not even irritated, or annoyed, or even frustrated, or even angry ... .repulsed! It's just so very very very twisted.

After my ex split from me but while I was still living there with her. I kept trying to let her know that I loved her and that we could work it out. My word for it wasn't repulsed, but the term I used was "disgust" would come to mind. The look on her face whenever I hugged her, touched her, or told her that I loved her was that of disgust. I feel so sad for the person that I cared about to be so detached from normal human emotions.

[Blimblam]

And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them.

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Great insight, thanks!

Repulsed is such a strong word and shows how messed up they are - who on earth would be "repulsed" by the person they just ditched overnight for no reason not being able to turn off their feelings in an instant? Not sad or sympathetic, not even irritated, or annoyed, or even frustrated, or even angry ... .repulsed! It's just so very very very twisted.

After my ex split from me but while I was still living there with her. I kept trying to let her know that I loved her and that we could work it out. My word for it wasn't repulsed, but the term I used was "disgust" would come to mind. The look on her face whenever I hugged her, touched her, or told her that I loved her was that of disgust. I feel so sad for the person that I cared about to be so detached from normal human emotions.

I felt like I was being rejected and used in a 1000 little ways each day and each time gaslit about It. It was at first very subtle and it destroyed my self confidence.

[Infern0]

It's funny how they become "repulsed" that we still love them, but yet when they devalue us and we are like ok,  get lost then, they won't leave us alone.

[Deeno02]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Absolutely spot on. My ex got pissed at me when i still had feelings for her. Told me "breakups happen, deal with it". So cold.

Yeah, one thing she said to me, among other crap she said, stands out. "I finally know what I want"... .after a year and a half r/s. That was one of many painful statements, but that hit me pretty bad.

[lm911]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Absolutely spot on. My ex got pissed at me when i still had feelings for her. Told me "breakups happen, deal with it". So cold.

Mine told me that I am a pussy because I did not accept the break up easy.

[maric]

After reading this statement, I can not feel compassion for them not even for a second. It's just impossible. Call me cold-hearted or whatever... .but they are awful people.

[jammo1989]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Do you ever snap out of that negative emotion of disgust about the person, or is it literally a feeling that lasts forever?

[lm911]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

Do you ever snap out of that negative emotion of disgust about the person, or is it literally a feeling that lasts forever?

We should ask a borderline this question. My experience is that  it is for a long time and may be forever.

[Flora73]

I would have thought they snap out of it when they "finally" are triggered to a positive memory about the "NON".

Its that splitting thingy... .when the bad feelings from the core wound get put back on the person (parent) whom is responsible for the suffering / invalidation.

The "disgust" is there feelings of them selves being projected on to us "NONS". We were there "containers" or "Bag boys" who carried around all there bad feelings, given to us via there favourite tool "Projection".

Its not about us the NON! Unfortunaely the BPD can't see this so we wear there SH!TE feelings. But I guess if its any consolation there in painful denial!

AND TRUST ME DENIAL ISNT A RIVER IN EYGPT 

As they are "disgusted" this could be a while, but then again they have the emotional age of a 3 yr old and you never know when they may see the toy "you" lying on the lawn they through out the window last month... .and think "I miss my fire engine"

Or they could just go get it look at it and throw it in the sand pit to be buried for ever 

[Hawk Ridge]

I'm curious if quiet borderlines who are the 'dumpers' are likely to want that fire truck, recycle, or if more often, they don't due to their self-loathing.  Thoughts about the statistics and if the self-loathing impacts recycling?

[Blimblam]

I am of the mind it largely depends on their current N supply. It also seems to tie in to just when you feel good about yourself again. Or are just about to get over them.

[findingmyselfagain]

"Confusing" would be the one word I would pick to describe our relationship. I know I should have seen the red flags, two marriages already at the age of 24... .a 1 y/o toddler... .divorced only a month when we met. But I thought I was the "good guy" she was looking for. I really bought into the love nuclear missiles. I was naive about love when I met her, and a little too trusting, and probably a good bit codependent and wanting to be compassionate/kind person. Things didn't add up until after it ended abruptly just a few weeks after our wedding shower. I'm thankful now that it didn't go any further.

It's been a long time now, but I feel more comfortable about  finding a  healthier intimacy with someone who is kinder and gentler, someone I was somehow not attracted to before I met my undiagnosed ex. Somehow I always came up with reasons not to go out with the nice ladies. Now I'm all about nice and what some might call boring... .but I want to deal with someone who is as mature and easy to get along with as possible. Why not? Something I have to ask is why didn't I take a stronger stand though really I think I did, and maybe that's why I was lucky enough for the r/s to end.

Nothing makes sense at all about the r/s except that she was probably on the BPD spectrum. I'm not going to venture back toward her, unless she has truly recognized her pattern and is really doing the work. I don't think it's very likely.

[findingmyselfagain]

As far as her splitting me, I went through a huge effort... .even joining a support group for BPDs so I could try to decide what I wanted to do. I sent her a letter and we exchanged emails. She offered to let me hang out again with her and her daughter. It didn't seem like the friendliest offer though, and I couldn't go through with it. She ended totally going off the deep end on me when she found out I asked her friends about her past r/s's. I can understand why that might upset her, but I needed some answers. They weren't coming from her in a way which I could begin to understand. I feel bad for her in a way, but in another way it's just the way things are. Sometimes those kinds of r/s's can work out. It depends very much on the person, and who knows how much time you might put in only to be devalued at some point in the future. We're all much better off now. I think it's easier to get away from unhealthy codependency than it is to overcome the chaotic feelings of someone who deals with BPD.

[anxiety5]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

What if your non partner was keenly aware of your traits and dumped you first?

[lm911]

Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.

Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…

This is very accurate and shows how messed up are things in a borderline's head.

What if your non partner was keenly aware of your traits and dumped you first?

I think that if you dump them, they feel abandoned and play a role of a victim. But again they are the cause, because they have pushed the non to break up with them by sabotaging the relationship.