Is time out Ok?

[Maca]

I am worried using "Time out" will trigger abandonment issues with my girlfriend.  I sent her a text "You need some space ill talk to you in a week" she text back "I like this game why not the week after?".

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Maca,

Welcome to BPD Family, I'm glad you found the site. It sounds like you are setting a boundary and taking care of yourself after your GF behaved badly. She responded angrily to your message (although she did respond). Have you done anything like this before with her? How do you usually handle conflicts or set boundaries with her?

There are a lot of good communication techniques and other tools here that are really helpful. I hope you'll let us know how you're doing and keep posting. It really does help.

LnL

[Ziggiddy]

Hi maca

well I think congratulations for putting in a boundary. Yes it's going to cause ripples - if your girlfriend has BPD then you're probably used to not putting in boundaries therefore it will change the dynamic. yes it's not always pleasant how they might react - it might be quite different than what you were hoping for but the important thing to focus on is your reason for doing it.

We're all entitled to a degree of respect for our boundaries and no less so if someone has a disorder.

It also matters how you characterise the boundary. Saying something true and valid which outlines your next move is a good idea as this can reduce her reaction to a perceived abandonment.

Eg saying "I don't want to ( insert action here) . if you want to continue to ignore what I am asking then I will need to (insert boundary here) not because I don't love you but because you are not taking my needs into account. I'm not leaving you I just need some space from you right now"

That way you give her choices. her choices will produce an effect. It's up to you what that effect is.

[Maca]

thanks the advice is great. She tried calling all day yesterday my birthday but i didn't answer, sticking to what i said. but today i said "i was serious about the text" and there hasn't been any reply. Did I cave in?

[Grey Kitty]

People with BPD are very sensitive to abandonment, so your concern there is valid.

I to use a "time out" to get out of an immediate fight or dysregulation. For that allow a minimum of 15-20 minutes for the adrenalin to fade. A couple hours may be a better idea.

What is she doing that makes you want a week to give her space.

[Maca]

Shes very stressed out. She's finalizing a divorce settlement that has dragged on for 2 years. We both attend a clinic once a week but on different days(she gets a lift from a male friend I'll call R they've gotten close). About 10 weeks ago she really changed she wouldn't stop talking about R, it was R did this R did that and that's when i started looking into her BPD and got frighten. Is she infatuated with him? She defends him when i ask about him. She organized for him to service my car as a birthday present and I said i didn't want him to because he's not a mechanic. She said I'll regret it because hes excellent with cars (praise) how does she know? He's never worked on any of her cars and she says he's a hard worker(more praise) he's unemployed also that he's a great driver(even more praise) hes got 1 point left on his licence for speeding . She has described him as muscularly, the guys fat. It like we're talking about two different people. M, my girlfriend talks about him that is very distorted. She laughed when I asked if anything was going on between them, that's when i needed a week. Is it really "Out of sight, out of mind" if i'm not there?

[maxsterling]

A "time out" will trigger abandonment. 

Remember, a "time out" is to protect YOU from her behavior - a boundary.  If you think it will cause her to examine her own behavior - it won't   You give a child a time out as punishment.  If you are giving her or your r/s a time out as punishment - that's a form of control and you can expect a very bad reaction. 

Nothing wrong with needing a break.  But when you do, try and phrase is in such a way that you are needing a temporary break and will resume things after a period of time. 

[Grey Kitty]

Uhg, her thing with "R" sounds tough for you.

Has she been formally diagnosed with BPD? Is she getting treatment for it?

[Maca]

sorry i haven't replied for a while a lot going on. 3 months ago something happen between us i have no idea what. Loving making stopped that's why i suspected there was someone else, thinking it was R. He and I have talked about there friendship and he is only a friend. M's drinking again and she's very angry on it. I don't know how to save our relationship! I love her but she has put me in the "All Bad" group. Saying I stress her out, but she make's me stressed out around her because i can't say or do the right thing(walking on egg shells). I know she hates me with interest at the moment. HELP!

p.s Grey Kitty yes, treatment and medication

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know how to save our relationship! I love her but she has put me in the "All Bad" group. Saying I stress her out, but she make's me stressed out around her because i can't say or do the right thing(walking on egg shells). I know she hates me with interest at the moment. HELP!

 This is so tough.

The first step is accepting the things that are outside your control, that you cannot change.

You don't know how to save your relationship. That is because you can't save your relationship. All you can do is work on your half of it. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you cannot force her.

Any relationship is composed of what both people put into it. It isn't fair, but all you can do is put good things into the relationship from your side. She can and will put good or bad things in from her side. You can't stop her from doing things that break your heart.

If you think it is hopeless now that you've read this far, I understand. Please keep reading!

Here is your best chance to save your relationship. Save yourself. Take good care of yourself. As they say on airplanes, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Do things that you enjoy. Do things that matter to you. Make time for your family and your other friends.

And continue to offer love and support to her, when she is receptive, and when you sincerely feel it. Chasing her and being rejected by her is pretty toxic when it becomes a pattern. It tears you down, and encourages bad behavior on her part at the same time.

This really will make a HUGE difference for you, I guarantee it. And building yourself up to that point of strength is your best chance to save the relationship.

Hang in there... .and please keep posting here when you can. It really does help.

 GK