Mt. St. DD erupted.

[Parents! Get help here!]

So my last post about her getting ready to blow was spot on, although she was able to maintain temporarily. So here is what is different about this whole weird change in her.

First: she displays all of the pre-cursors to a  full blown rage, but manages to keep it at bay, walking away etc.

Second; when she did finally did lose her grip, it was fast and furious, I remained quite calm and as she screamed for me to shut the eff up, or to kill myself etc. I just quietly but firmly reminded her that speaking to me in that manner was unacceptable. ( we all know how well works ) but I remained calm and stayed the path.

Third:  After no real reaction to her raging and about 30 minutes, she stopped. She went and took a shower, then came in and apologized. ( she never say's I'm sorry. )

So again I am puzzled about this difference. I am not sure if it's something I have done differently, if it's her just really working on herself, or a combination of the two. I will not look the gift horse in the mouth, and I will surely not complain about the change.

I could dwell on the fact that she did rage, but I won't. It was a short lived rage, especially for her, and she recognized her mis step.

any words of wisdom on how to continue this improvement would be greatly appreciated.

[tristesse]

So my last post about her getting ready to blow was spot on, although she was able to maintain temporarily. So here is what is different about this whole weird change in her.

First: she displays all of the pre-cursors to a  full blown rage, but manages to keep it at bay, walking away etc.

Second; when she did finally did lose her grip, it was fast and furious, I remained quite calm and as she screamed for me to shut the eff up, or to kill myself etc. I just quietly but firmly reminded her that speaking to me in that manner was unacceptable. ( we all know how well works ) but I remained calm and stayed the path.

Third:  After no real reaction to her raging and about 30 minutes, she stopped. She went and took a shower, then came in and apologized. ( she never say's I'm sorry. )

So again I am puzzled about this difference. I am not sure if it's something I have done differently, if it's her just really working on herself, or a combination of the two. I will not look the gift horse in the mouth, and I will surely not complain about the change.

I could dwell on the fact that she did rage, but I won't. It was a short lived rage, especially for her, and she recognized her mis step.

any words of wisdom on how to continue this improvement would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SeaSprite]

That is wonderful! 

I totally agree, dwelling on her raging is not useful-- she stopped, she apologized! That is HUGE!

I'm convinced that with my own d (both of them actually, my nonBPD daughter has a temper as well, but doesn't seem to have the self-destructive/ deceptive/ blaming streak that is so hard to deal with in d17) that being an immovable object for their irresistible force to rage against helps them to feel safe and regain control. (And it's what I wished I had from my own mother, I was a horrible teenager and she just couldn't stand up to my tantrums... .I wish she was still here for me to apologize! She deserved better than I was.)

If our experience can generalize to your d, then she probably felt safe with you when you didn't react... .it allowed her to eventually self-soothe.

Maybe she's starting to out-grow some of her stuff, maybe the part of her brain in charge of executive function is developing and she's gaining some self-control?

With my d it seems to be two steps forward, a step and a half back... .but any progress is cause for celebration!

[lever.]

This is great news Tristesse,

It has to be at least partly  due to you working on the skills and changing your reactions but it also sounds as if she is trying very hard to self-regulate.

I agree that it is good to focus on the improvement. Progress tends to be 2 steps forward 1 step back but tiny steps in the right direction can lead to long term improvements. 

[pessim-optimist]

Wonderful news, tristesse!

I think that your daughter is trying, and her apology is a major progress.

And you are correct that one cannot let themselves be bothered by a meltdown (those are a given, that's the nature of BPD). Also, if she is a rager, it will probably take time for her to gain control of those and learn a better coping mechanism when she has a meltdown. It will be a slow work in progress.

Now, please DO give yourself credit for not engaging her and for remaining calm - that was most likely THE key component to this new dynamic. Time to reward yourself with some pleasant and soothing self-care! 

[tristesse]

Thanks everybody. I am just hoping I can continue to remain calm in times of crisis, especially now that I have gained some insight. I do realize that she has improved, and that she too is working on it, and that makes me happy in ways I can't explain. I think a lot of credit for my own change, goes to the wonderful people on  this board. You are all so inspiring, and knowledgeable.

Than you guys for caring.

[nzmum]

  It is soo wonderful to read about positive changes. Especially as we are still spiraling downhill fast here.

I know that if I keep on learning/working on my own skills it will help DD17 once she gets to the point that she wants/needs to start helping herself.

So thank you for sharing this inspiring story.


P.S keep them coming

[SeaSprite]

especially now that I have gained some insight. I do realize that she has improved, and that she too is working on it, and that makes me happy in ways I can't explain.

That is so cool!  Celebration!

It's so strange, because it seems like they need us to both be strong and hold the line and to be bendable and able to reflect and change, all at the same time! Sometimes, don't you feel like a pretzel? And why do we have to change anyway, when we aren't bad parents to begin with? 

In our family, we have a cautionary tale of what happens without some insight, reflection, and willingness to change- sd17 has gone NC with her mom, which is hurting her mom a lot but mom isn't willing/able to reflect on her own part in the problem. Sd17 is just being unreasonable, according to her, and my h is supposed to fix it somehow. (Mom has a fair number of BPD symptoms herself). She actually helps me indirectly with my d- because she is such a good example of how not to de-escalate or resolve conflict. 

Keep up the good work! 

[pessim-optimist]

It's so strange, because it seems like they need us to both be strong and hold the line and to be bendable and able to reflect and change, all at the same time! Sometimes, don't you feel like a pretzel? And why do we have to change anyway, when we aren't bad parents to begin with? 

Easy answer: special kids require special parenting, but I know you know that already. 

In short, our darlings require us to be much stronger in our boundaries (as they push harder against them than another kid would) and they also need more validation and loving support than other kids.

Which requires us to be much tougher in areas where we aren't used to be and much nicer/more active in areas that usually aren't needed as much... .

[jellibeans]

tristesse

This post reminds me of something a read regarding trying to change behaviors in our BPD. The example they gave was trying to get your child to put their dishes in the dishwasher instead of just leaving the table. One day the child finally take his/her plate to the counter near the dishwasher... .in the example it said to focus on the fact they attempted to get their plate even near the dishwasher so I think you are on to something Tristesse... .acknowledging the effort is what is important and always trying to put a positive spin on things.

I think keeping calm when your DD is out of control is also key to seeing change in her. When I am able to keep calm it does directly impact how the situation is going to play out.

[llbee814]

Okay,  jellibeans has reminded me of a similar scenario that I have consistently with dd19.  She NEVER puts anything away or completes ANY task.  You can usually trace her path and activities throughout the house by the Hansel and Gretle trail she has left in her wake.  Rotten, evil mom that I am, I recently texted my older dd with picture proof of how much worse of a mess dd19 left in comparison to gd2.  I had pics of sugar bowl without cover on left out, to-go coffee cups and lids left out,  q-tips container left out on sink,  used q-tips on floor next to garbage can, shavings from sharpened eyeliner pencil ALL over sink, at least six pairs of shoes under coffee table in living room... .well you get the picture.  Believe me, there was more.  This goes on almost EVERY day.  Needless to say, I won,  ... .dd19 is worse than a toddler.  Bad mom and dd29 laughed and laughed!  Crazy stuff, huh?  This too shall pass.  We are working on stuff put on staircase making it up to her room.  Her room... .Bwahahahahaha!  Let's not go there,  .

[tristesse]

llbee814, your post made laugh. I actually sat here and giggled out loud. I needed that laughter, thank you.

And I want to commend you on your ability to see the humor in the situation you are in, often times I take it all too seriously, and I think if I could lighten up a little bit and find the humor in it, I might deal with certain situations better.

You are my hero of the day today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[llbee814]

Ahhhh, thank you tristesse... .and I needed to hear this.  Helps me to zip over into my radical acceptance mode.  Not always an easy place to find.  Dd19 is in mia mode (missing in action.)  Better than the old days, but still stressful enough to kick in Ptsd.  Hate when that happens, .

Am I the only one that doesn't want to check their room?  Geez.

So, I sorta kinda chickened out and finally texted her.  And got an apology that she just forgot to let me know that she was alive and well.  Okay, alive... .close enough.  Am I being too flip?  You all get what I mean, no?

Funny that if asked,  I will tell you that things have improved.  And they have.  Sad where we have been for that to be true.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

[tristesse]

tomorrow is always a fresh start. I'm sure it will be better.

I find that I take extreme pleasure in tiniest improvement, because it is, as you stated, sad where we were and what we had to go through to get here. I don't handle the M.I.A.'s very well either, I was in NC with my dd once for 8 months, and almost lost my mind, I get so frantic with worry.

Hang in there friend.