Should I keep trying to fix the relationship or leave it?

[nullpointerexception]

Hi all, I have been reading articles on this forum for a few months now.

I read many good advices but still not sure what to do.

Today my BPD girlfriend told me that she want to break up.

This is not the first time she want to break up, she talk about it every week since a year ago.

After being together for more that 1 year and half, I don't think this relationship will work.

We had a lot of fun together, but this relationship cost me a lot time and money.

It also wearing me down physically and mentally.

Before I meet her, I usually sleep at around 12 am. After dating her for 6 month, she yell at me for sleeping so early and ask me to stay up until 1 or 2 am. I know that no one force me to stay up, but I do it to please her. I know it is not health, but I did it anyways.

She also dig into my past relationship(3 years ago), which only last for 6 months and say I like my ex more than her.

The fact is that I don't even remember my ex's name until she ask, then she start saying that I am protecting my ex whenever she doesn't like what I said.

Also she keep buying designer handbags and cloths one after another, I used to save 10 to 15k a year but now my saving account have no money at all. Although my salaries is increasing, I couldn't keep up with the cost.

I don't know what should I do? I know the most logical way is to breakup and leave.

In reality, I just couldn't do it and it is killing me.

[maxen]

hi nullpoinerexception and 

the behaviors you describe in your r/s are characteristic of BPD, and i'm sorry for your experiences. i'm also glad that you've found our site and have been reading around. there are lots of posters (as you see) who have faced the same questions as you have.

nobody here can tell anyone what to do. however, i'd suggest a few things right now. first, have you read "Choosing a Path" on the right hand side of this page, just across from your post? second, re-read your own post, as if it were the post of someone else, not yourself. third, what is good about the r/s? what is it about the r/s that keeps you happy? what motivates you to stay in it?

please keep posting nullpoinerexception!

[antonio1213]

Run!

It sounds like the damage is already being done with your bank account an health in general. This happened to me. Buying her things, doing everything for her, being prince charming to her works but only for a short while. I did EVERYTHING for mine and one day she said she needed a break. So I ran and haven't looked back since.

I have put 110% into fixing the relationship when it was bad, and when she would go into her crazy states. In the end you can't do anything about it. They are the way they are and will never change. Trying to fix it will only dig you deeper. Trust me I am living it right now.

I suggest just making a clean break, going NC, and moving on.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, re-read your post as if someone else had written it. What advice would you give them?

Better still, don't even bother answering that question, just run as fast as you can!

[Aussie0zborn]

Do you mind if I answer this post without reading it?

The title of this post is "Should I keep trying to fix the relationship or leave it? "

From that title I get the impression that there is ongoing conflict and you are having to do a lot of extra work to "fix" the relationship. This seems to be constant and for you to ask such a question it seems you feel you are fighting a losing battle. It's hard work and very exhausting, isn't it? Imagine if you put this much energy into a part-time business or a second job - you could get paid for it and make a small fortune.

Just by asking such a question, I would say its time to go. My experience together with my observations from the posts here is that once this conflict starts, it never ends. Today its this, tomorrow its something else, and so on.

Feel free to PM me and tell me if I'm wrong. Good luck.

[nullpointerexception]

hi nullpoinerexception and  

the behaviors you describe in your r/s are characteristic of BPD, and i'm sorry for your experiences. i'm also glad that you've found our site and have been reading around. there are lots of posters (as you see) who have faced the same questions as you have.

nobody here can tell anyone what to do. however, i'd suggest a few things right now. first, have you read "Choosing a Path" on the right hand side of this page, just across from your post? second, re-read your own post, as if it were the post of someone else, not yourself. third, what is good about the r/s? what is it about the r/s that keeps you happy? what motivates you to stay in it?

please keep posting nullpoinerexception!

I have read it a few times, it make a lot of sense but sometime it is difficult to apply to personal matter. From a third person point of view, I will suggest "run and never look back" just like many others had commented. I know that is the right things to do, but my personal ethic cause me to stay and endure the pain.  She often says "you are with me because of sex." and I keep telling her that is not true because I really like her. Somehow she often make me feel that I am abandoning her and every thing is my fault.

When she is normal, she is the sweetest person I ever met. At the beginning, it was fun and relaxing. After 6 months, she start acting weird and start looking into Facebook messages and ask about my ex from 3 years ago which I don't remember much about it. Then she call me a lier and continues doing that now. I really enjoy this relationship, that why I want to help her to be normal again. She used to cuts her forearm a lot but since I told her family about her action, she stopped. This show me that she can be saved and that is why I am still staying.

But recently I notice some dangerous action she is trying to pull, I told her that I don't have money to buy luxury items like $400 clothing and bags then she told me to open a new credit card. I outright refused because I have no debit and I intent to keep it that way. Then she replied "If you don't open a credit card, I will break up". This is the moment I feel that I need to let it go. (This happened last weekend)

[flowerpath]

... .my personal ethic cause me to stay and endure the pain. 

Even healthy relationships have some pain, but the pain a person experiences when in a relationship with a pwBPD is something entirely different.  Would you rather have a healthy relationship with someone who is mentally stable? 

When she is normal, she is the sweetest person I ever met. At the beginning, it was fun and relaxing. After 6 months, she start acting weird ... .

Do you want to live with intermittent “weird” behavior, some of which you probably haven’t seen yet, some of which can be far beyond "weird", and with the effect it can have on your own mental, emotional, physical, and financial health?   

But recently I notice some dangerous action she is trying to pull, I told her that I don't have money to buy luxury items like $400 clothing and bags then she told me to open a new credit card. I outright refused because I have no debit and I intent to keep it that way. Then she replied "If you don't open a credit card, I will break up". This is the moment I feel that I need to let it go. (This happened last weekend)

This woman believes that she is entitled to the money for which you have worked. There is nothing wrong with giving, but be wary of people who think that the salary that you have worked for and the money you have saved belongs to them. Why would she be entitled to your hard-earned money?  Why does she show no respect for the fact that you are a person who saves?  Do you want her to render you penniless?  Why isn’t she opening her own credit card to purchase her own extravagant desires and pay for them with her own salary? And if she did, would she expect you to make the payments?  What would she really do if you called a halt to all of this spending?  You can, you know. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Seriously now, you need to get out of there. This sense of entitlement doesn't stop. My experience is that once you bow  to their pressure, they will not thank you for it but resent you for your weakness. And next time when you say no, they will resent you further because you led them to believe you were a pushover and now you're not - that in itself is "proof" that you hate them and already planning to abandon them and this  starts another round of grief.

You have to draw the line somewhere - money is a good place to start. I'm $340,000 in debt and have a bank ready to foreclose on three houses. After settlement, I'll still be in debt. You don't want to be in my shoes. Leave her - leave her while you have no debt as she is not going to feel responsible for YOUR debt and get a second job to help you pay it off. Your debts are always your debts, and your assets are always their assets. That's how it works. Run as fast as you can.

[nullpointerexception]

Aussie0zborn thanks for your advice, and I am 70% sure that I want to leave. I stated to her that I have no money, and told her that we shouldn't spend the money on unessential items. She seem to think I am crazy and told me that you are an adult and shouldn't think about money. When you don't have money then you should take action like get a second job and sell your assets. First I am working a full time job at a large company with a lot of overtime, second I don't have things to sell because I don't buy any. She told me that I am lazy and I am not trying hard enough.

At the end, She opened a new credit card and spend almost a $1000 on cloths. In my mind I was like "What is wrong with you?". Why BPD so focused on themselves and illogical? It is going to hurt, I love her a lot but I need to take the step to leave. Any good advice? Just say breakup and go NC? or let her say break up and agree to it.

This is like a battle fighting myself, I know every move and know what is the right things to do but in reality I am doing every things opposite. Letting myself punch in the face.

[Sylvia76]

I started out in the "committed to staying" board but have slowly found my way over to "undecided" after the past few months of dealing with a uBP bf.

I have a daughter, a job, family... .and maintaining a relationship with him has become more exhausting than fun. I put so much time and energy into not doing things to make him upset, apologizing, doing things his way to avoid conflict, etc. that I have almost zero left for myself.

I know that I'm better than the constant silent treatment, the barbs, the angry sighing but I just have to muster up the strength to say I'm done.

Part of my problem is he will consider himself the victim and "abandoned" and will refuse to see that his behaviors set in motion my actions.

I thought I could deal with this but I'm realizing I don't want to sign up for a lifetime of it.

Good luck to you!

[maxen]

hi again nullpointerexception. i too faced ruinous spending in my r/s. that was a marriage and i'm now discovering how much it's going to cost me. this credit card she opened, is it in her name? do you have joint accounts?

[Loosestrife]

Stop the spending and let her pay for you... .she stays she wants you and not your money.

[almostmarried]

Do you REALLY want to "fix" this "relationship"? The only way to do this is trying putting another brain in your girlfriend´s head,otherwise,NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DON´T DO,NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE.

But here´s the good news: You don´t have to do all this.