What was so wrong with me?

[Deeno02]

Sorry, sometimes these things just hit me and I have to ask. What was so wrong with me that I had to get dumped? I was loving, spent as much time as I could with her, helped her with her separation, Divorce, Alimony issues, death of a parent, Tried to help with her foreclosure, tried to help as much as she would let me with her kids (5 of them) and their schedules, Helped out as a father figure for her 15 y/o disruptive behavior son, took her out and everything a BF should do, blended our families into everything. Encouraged her to renew her coaching certifications, know this would add more BS to her schedule that was chaos already. I got nothing in return except for a couple of shirts of her liking, petty jealousy of my daughter, treat me special or lose me threats, you didnt take me on vacation insults, You never bought me anything insults(?) blamed your sex problem on me(?) non emotional, incapable of love, kept from her friends( only met them 4 times in a year and a half), no couples stuff, only 2 pictures of us in existence and she never changed her FB relationship status or put any pics on FB of us. I dont know what the hell I did. I do know Im broken in both spirit and emotion. I know I will not get closure. I know I must be a horrible person(even though I know Im not) and I dont know why any of this happened to me. I could have been more attentive I guess. I suppose I could have taken her places( we only went to places she wanted to go) except for the Chicago Hilton and Palmer house (on my dime). I dont know. Forgive me, I just had to vent on this as it still bothers the hell out of me that I was dumped and replaced so rapidly. You can go back to your regularly scheduled program... .

[SickofMe]

Deeno--

It sounds like you are a very giving person who felt ready to commit yourself to someone fully.  That isn't something "wrong" with you.

The problem is the person you chose didn't reciprocate, and that is on her, not you.  A healthy person would be uncomfortable taking so much from you and not giving back.  She would have felt guilty if she didn't feel the same way and would have addressed it with you instead of using you.

On the other hand (and I totally relate to this), what you might consider is that, on some level, you must have felt you didn't deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.  That's the part you can change... .you can't change her.

Try not to tell yourself you are a horrible person... .tell yourself instead you are wounded and will heal.  There are scads of single women/mothers out there who would feel appreciation and honor you as a person, and love you in a real way.  The trick is figuring out why that wasn't what you chose, or how you could notice the red flags earlier on and love yourself enough to let go.

I'm so sorry for your pain, you sound like you are despairing.  It truly sucks that there are people out there who are able to use others without understanding that a relationship is a two-way street.  She was like this before you met her, she is like this now, she will continue to be like this (unless she has an epiphany and seeks help).

Or, as they say in Al-anon:  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Look within.  You deserve much better.

[Deeno02]

Deeno--

It sounds like you are a very giving person who felt ready to commit yourself to someone fully.  That isn't something "wrong" with you.

The problem is the person you chose didn't reciprocate, and that is on her, not you.  A healthy person would be uncomfortable taking so much from you and not giving back.  She would have felt guilty if she didn't feel the same way and would have addressed it with you instead of using you.

On the other hand (and I totally relate to this), what you might consider is that, on some level, you must have felt you didn't deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.  That's the part you can change... .you can't change her.

Try not to tell yourself you are a horrible person... .tell yourself instead you are wounded and will heal.  There are scads of single women/mothers out there who would feel appreciation and honor you as a person, and love you in a real way.  The trick is figuring out why that wasn't what you chose, or how you could notice the red flags earlier on and love yourself enough to let go.

I'm so sorry for your pain, you sound like you are despairing.  It truly sucks that there are people out there who are able to use others without understanding that a relationship is a two-way street.  She was like this before you met her, she is like this now, she will continue to be like this (unless she has an epiphany and seeks help).

Or, as they say in Al-anon:  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Look within.  You deserve much better.

Thanks SoM. I do realize that but every now and again, and its only been 7 weeks, I think I did something wrong, even though I know 90% is her issue. I know that now. During the relationship, I didnt know anything about BPD. Now removed, I see the flags and the points Ive missed. Aha moments. I guess because I was gaslighted so much, Im till having doubts. But Im getting better. Just every now and again, I have to vent this out. Her life is a mess. Her son got suspended the other day for lighting a roll of toilet paper on fire in school for gods sake. She didnt even punish him. Not the first time either. Constant. The only difference was that I was around to be the male figure and talk him down. It kills me not to be there for the kids, but it wasnt my choice. It was hers. Maybe the replacement can handle it better. Thanks for listening.

[OutOfEgypt]

Deeno

You could have been the second coming of Jesus, Himself, and it would not have mattered.  It really is them.  I hope you can truly see that and get her out of your head for good.  That is the only solution.  They want to live on in our heads forever, making sure we are thinking on them indefinitely (either missing them, wanting them, or hating them... .it matters not).  :)o yourself a HUGE favor -a favor she will NEVER give you- and let her go.

My ex wife STILL wants to believe I'm a horrible person, tells people (including our childrens' friends' parents) how "neglectful" and "abusive" I was.  I'm smeared all over.  It may end some day, but I have no control over it.  So, good thing it doesn't actually freakin' matter.  Goodbye.  Let her go.

In a real relationship, when the other person is capable of love rather than need, our imperfections don't really matter.  They love us for US.  They don't NEED us, like that.  But (and I just had this conversation with my teenager), I understand that we become afraid of standing on our own two feet, with our own feelings and convictions, with our flaws, because we are afraid that if we do we will be alone forever.  We are afraid that real love doesn't exist.  But that is a lie.  When we take this posture, we set ourselves up for unhealthy people like this.  But when we do stand on our own two feet and stick to it, we will also find other people who do the same, and we call the *best* to rise up in each other.  That is love. 

A mutual love relationship is when two people accept each other as they are and try to call up the best in the other.  This is not possible with a BPD person.  They are not capable of this.  They want *you* to do this with them, until you are blue in the face and then they blame us for not being enough, but they are not capable of doing it in return.

[Raybo48]

Sorry, sometimes these things just hit me and I have to ask. What was so wrong with me that I had to get dumped? I was loving, spent as much time as I could with her, helped her with her separation, Divorce, Alimony issues, death of a parent, Tried to help with her foreclosure, tried to help as much as she would let me with her kids (5 of them) and their schedules, Helped out as a father figure for her 15 y/o disruptive behavior son, took her out and everything a BF should do, blended our families into everything. Encouraged her to renew her coaching certifications, know this would add more BS to her schedule that was chaos already. I got nothing in return except for a couple of shirts of her liking, petty jealousy of my daughter, treat me special or lose me threats, you didnt take me on vacation insults, You never bought me anything insults(?) blamed your sex problem on me(?) non emotional, incapable of love, kept from her friends( only met them 4 times in a year and a half), no couples stuff, only 2 pictures of us in existence and she never changed her FB relationship status or put any pics on FB of us. I dont know what the hell I did. I do know Im broken in both spirit and emotion. I know I will not get closure. I know I must be a horrible person(even though I know Im not) and I dont know why any of this happened to me. I could have been more attentive I guess. I suppose I could have taken her places( we only went to places she wanted to go) except for the Chicago Hilton and Palmer house (on my dime). I dont know. Forgive me, I just had to vent on this as it still bothers the hell out of me that I was dumped and replaced so rapidly. You can go back to your regularly scheduled program... .

Um, there is nothing wrong with you!  She destroyed your self-worth and reduced you to your former self.   Being replaced so quickly absolutely makes you feel castrated.  My ex replaced me in Sept of 2012 with some random guy her sister tried to hook her up with.  It was literally over night and I felt like someone cracked me the ribs with a baseball bat.  I had every emotion running through me you could possibly imagine. She cut me right out of her life overnight and she went 100% nc with me.  So about a month rolls by (oct 8th, never forgot the date) and I got a call from her.  I remember seeing it hit my vm and there was a huge rush of emotions/anxiety.   I listen and she was spilling her guts out on how she made a mistake and missed me... It didn't work out with the other guy because she found out he was lying to her about something... .My ex would paint you black in a millisecond if she found out you were lying even if you weren't, but he actually was.  Not surprising since he spent most of his entire adult life in and out of prison!   Anyway, I took her back like a complete fool! Why, because my self worth was in the toilet, and I'm co-dependent.   So I did the dance with her for another two years... .  We have ALL fallen for their games... .Don't beat yourself up too much...

[Deeno02]

Sorry, sometimes these things just hit me and I have to ask. What was so wrong with me that I had to get dumped? I was loving, spent as much time as I could with her, helped her with her separation, Divorce, Alimony issues, death of a parent, Tried to help with her foreclosure, tried to help as much as she would let me with her kids (5 of them) and their schedules, Helped out as a father figure for her 15 y/o disruptive behavior son, took her out and everything a BF should do, blended our families into everything. Encouraged her to renew her coaching certifications, know this would add more BS to her schedule that was chaos already. I got nothing in return except for a couple of shirts of her liking, petty jealousy of my daughter, treat me special or lose me threats, you didnt take me on vacation insults, You never bought me anything insults(?) blamed your sex problem on me(?) non emotional, incapable of love, kept from her friends( only met them 4 times in a year and a half), no couples stuff, only 2 pictures of us in existence and she never changed her FB relationship status or put any pics on FB of us. I dont know what the hell I did. I do know Im broken in both spirit and emotion. I know I will not get closure. I know I must be a horrible person(even though I know Im not) and I dont know why any of this happened to me. I could have been more attentive I guess. I suppose I could have taken her places( we only went to places she wanted to go) except for the Chicago Hilton and Palmer house (on my dime). I dont know. Forgive me, I just had to vent on this as it still bothers the hell out of me that I was dumped and replaced so rapidly. You can go back to your regularly scheduled program... .

Um, there is nothing wrong with you!  She Gaslighted the hell out of you and destroyed your self-worth and reduced you to your former self.   Being replaced so quickly absolutely makes you feel castrated.  My ex replaced me in Sept of 2012 with some random guy her sister tried to hook her up with.  It was literally over night and I felt like someone cracked me the ribs with a baseball bat.  I had every emotion running through me you could possibly imagine. She cut me right out of her life overnight and she went 100% nc with me.  So about a month rolls by (oct 8th, never forgot the date) and I got a call from her.  I remember seeing it hit my vm and there was a huge rush of emotions/anxiety.   I listen and she was spilling her guts out on how she made a mistake and missed me... It didn't work out with the other guy because she found out he was lying to her about something... .My ex would paint you black in a millisecond if she found out you were lying even if you weren't, but he actually was.  Not surprising since he spent most of his entire adult life in and out of prison!   Anyway, I took her back like a complete fool! Why, because my self worth was in the toilet, and I'm co-dependent.   So I did the dance with her for another two years... .   We have ALL fallen for their games... .Don't beat yourself up too much...

She hasnt contacted me yet, thank god. Only been a month and a half since b/u. Got to get strong before I see her again(she coaches my sons VB team in high school). Dreading that day.

[Raybo48]

A month and a half is very short term when it comes to healing from all the toxic waste that got tossed your way.  I've gone NC with mine before for several months (until I picked up the phone like an idiot) and I was in a good place after about 3-4 months.  Still thought about her almost daily though, but I wasn't waking up with her being the first thing on my mind like what is happening now.  That just tells me my brain is swirling while I sleep.

Seeing yours again is going to be extremely difficult and I don't know how you prep yourself for that.  I would have as little conversation with her as possible if at all when you see her, and like the old saying "never let them see you sweat" so don't let her know you are hurting--AT ALL.  It's all about control with them and if she sees you happy she will resent it and feel completely out of control of you. The problem with that is if her little fling fails she'll be calling on you again to try and reestablish control.  They are HUGE control freaks, and it's all about the hunt with them... The more unavailable you are to her emotionally the more she will want you... .It's soo f'd up...

[Deeno02]

A month and a half is very short term when it comes to healing from all the toxic waste that got tossed your way.  I've gone NC with mine before for several months (until I picked up the phone like an idiot) and I was in a good place after about 3-4 months.  Still thought about her almost daily though, but I wasn't waking up with her being the first thing on my mind like what is happening now.  That just tells me my brain is swirling while I sleep.

Seeing yours again is going to be extremely difficult and I don't know how you prep yourself for that.  I would have as little conversation with her as possible if at all when you see her, and like the old saying "never let them see you sweat" so don't let her know you are hurting--AT ALL.  It's all about control with them and if she sees you happy she will resent it and feel completely out of control of you. The problem with that is if her little fling fails she'll be calling on you again to try and reestablish control.  They are HUGE control freaks, and it's all about the hunt with them... The more unavailable you are to her emotionally the more she will want you... .It's soo f'd up...

I have zero intention to be anywhere near her. As sports parents, we need to give a contact number and email and thats it. I plan to be the last one in the auditorium when the match begins and the first one out when the match is done. Zero contact. Since my son drives, dont have to worry about that either. But your right. I will re gather the same confidence I had launching my self out an airplane door and use it to make sure she doesnt bother me.

[antelope]

What was so wrong with me that I had to get dumped?

... .

I just had to vent on this as it still bothers the hell out of me that I was dumped ... .

so what you're actually mad at is that you weren't the dumper, but instead the dumpee? 

so who you're actually mad at is... .you?

with the examples you give (so similar to mine), it seems like she 'dumped' you a long time ago, just not 'officially', 'outloud'... .

don't let this person do any more damage to your ego.

don't second guess yourself, no what-ifs.

you did the best you could at the time with the information you had.

now you have new information... .use it to forgive yourself, and gain a better relationship with: you! 

[Popcorn71]

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said.  IT WASN'T YOU!

I think we all feel that we must be lacking something when we are treated so terribly and dumped for somebody else.  I felt that way too.

It has taken just over a year for me to totally accept that actually I was a damned good wife and he was a fool not to appreciate it.  I bent over backwards to please him and he still left for trailer trash.

What has proved to me that there is nothing wrong with me, is the positive comments I have had from people since he left.  Some are people who knew me before and others are people I have met since.  I realise that I have been undervaluing myself for a long time.  Maybe you do this too?  Think about all your good points and then you will see that she was the 'faulty' one.  She was too stupid to appreciate a good man!

I also look at how my ex is living now.  It is shocking to see the state of his home, the state of the replacement and his general lifestyle.  He is a mess.  This showed me just who was the driving force in our life.  We had a good lifestyle that he liked to make out he provided.  I think it shows now just who was carrying who.  My life has dramatically improved and I can see now that I am the one with lots to offer.  He didn't put much in at all.

Time will help you.  It's early days yet.  I hope you will see eventually that you did all you could and there is nothing wrong with you.  You just gave too much to the wrong person.  That's a mistake anyone could make.

[Deeno02]

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said.  IT WASN'T YOU!

I think we all feel that we must be lacking something when we are treated so terribly and dumped for somebody else.  I felt that way too.

It has taken just over a year for me to totally accept that actually I was a damned good wife and he was a fool not to appreciate it.  I bent over backwards to please him and he still left for trailer trash.

What has proved to me that there is nothing wrong with me, is the positive comments I have had from people since he left.  Some are people who knew me before and others are people I have met since.  I realise that I have been undervaluing myself for a long time.  Maybe you do this too?  Think about all your good points and then you will see that she was the 'faulty' one.  She was too stupid to appreciate a good man!

I also look at how my ex is living now.  It is shocking to see the state of his home, the state of the replacement and his general lifestyle.  He is a mess.  This showed me just who was the driving force in our life.  We had a good lifestyle that he liked to make out he provided.  I think it shows now just who was carrying who.  My life has dramatically improved and I can see now that I am the one with lots to offer.  He didn't put much in at all.

Time will help you.  It's early days yet.  I hope you will see eventually that you did all you could and there is nothing wrong with you.  You just gave too much to the wrong person.  That's a mistake anyone could make.

Thank you Popcorn. Its so hard. I dont want to go through this anymore. Im just trying to get strong so I can face her again with confidence. She coaches my sons HS volleyball team and Im stuck having to face her. I dont ever want her back, but I dont want her to see me still crushed because they feed off that.

[antelope]

I realise that I have been undervaluing myself for a long time.  

^^it's when we make these realizations about ourselves that detaching from them finally occurs  

[antonio1213]

I am there with you. Me and my exBPDgf are a lot younger but the general workings are the same. I was there for her for EVERYTHING, when she cut herself, her depressions, her terrible anger, her selfishness, all her problems. I dropped everything I was doing to help her and spent so much money on her to make her happy. I put so much into her and didn't get a lot out of her. She moved in with me mainly because she didn't like living with her mom, than she moved out because she wanted to "explore" and do other things, haven't talked to her since god knows what she is doing.

The only thing wrong with you is that you allowed her to do this to you, and you took it for so long. The reason I ignored the red flags was because I was lonely, codependent, and she attracted me. I don't know if you have low self esteem, or no boundaries but I didn't have either of those and thats how I got to where I am. So that is really the only thing you did wrong.

There was NOTHING wrong with you, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. keep repeating that to yourself. I went ABOVE and BEYOND. one example is whenever we first started to date I snuck out of my house (yes I was a teenager) and got a ride to her house, than walked 3.5-4 hours back to my house. She thought it was sweet but never really saw just how big of a step that was, and soon forgot about it.

Just know that she will never be satisfied and will probably be old and alone. They can never be satisfied. I was prince charming to her, I was nothing but nice and did everything for her and she took it and never reciprocated it. I know I am younger than you but we have a lot in common. Mainly that we loved and gave everything to crazy women.

What is helping me is talking about it, writing down everything, and reading about BPD. feel pity instead of anger toward her. She is going to end up alone, and never be able to feel stable love that doesn't come with a price. She will do this while hurting a lot of people.

Good luck!

[Popcorn71]

Im just trying to get strong so I can face her again with confidence. She coaches my sons HS volleyball team and Im stuck having to face her. I dont ever want her back, but I dont want her to see me still crushed because they feed off that.

I know how you feel.  I have to see my ex around frequently as we live so near to each other.  I have started to just 'fake it'.  I smile and say hello if I see him.  Since I have started doing this, I can see the effect it has on him.  Now he is the one feeling uneasy.  It isn't pleasant for me and I wish I never had to see him again.  Sometimes I feel myself shake when he is around.  BUT I will not let him see that he has affected me.  I gave him that satisfaction months ago and I am sorry I did.  Now it is time for him to dread seeing me!

Just try it.  There is no need to be over the top.  Just pull yourself together long enough to say 'hi'.  Don't stop for a conversation.  This does get easier each time.  I feel stronger each time.  Hopefully, you will too.

[myself]

"I dont want her to see me still crushed because they feed off that."

Just be yourself. If she sees you're still hurting, it's OK, that's who you are at that time. If she feeds off of that, it's like poison, she's not better off.

Take her out of the picture as much as you can.

Were you good with her? Be as good and more with yourself.

[Deeno02]

"I dont want her to see me still crushed because they feed off that."

Just be yourself. If she sees you're still hurting, it's OK, that's who you are at that time. If she feeds off of that, it's like poison, she's not better off.

Take her out of the picture as much as you can.

Were you good with her? Be as good and more with yourself.

completely a gentleman to her and the kids as i was raised to be by my mom and grandmother... having a hard time with good to myself.  Not sure how.