Bpd test. Could use feedback?

[Targeted]

My ex GF is undiagnosed! I do suspect BPD and most likely that's not all, I have not seen her in four months but allow limited contact through email only because I hope she wants to help herself someday and I have read that a SO with enough knowledge about her past and family life, as well as experiencing the actual traits in the relationship could be very helpful to her as well as the therapist if she was ever serious about getting help! This is not a relationship that I would jump right back into not only because of the abuses of me but because of her interactions with men and cheating as well, I will never accept a excuse for or forgive for cheating again! That was my fault!

Whenever I would respond to a email I try not to validate her accusations in anyway and just tell her i'm sorry you don't see a problem but I do and if you want to look into that someday for yourself let me know and maybe I will help with that. Through her hateful emails of accusations which I am sure is merely projection so I do not take it to heart anymore, I stood firm with my response! I am unsure if she is truthful with herself when she says she is not over our break up or just trying to keep me in tow because we knew each other for over nine years and it's just a natural reaction to her for her abandonment issues!  So you understand my position, I am taking it as her just seeing if she can recycle me and I do not wish to allow that to happen and already told her that as well. She did respond yesterday in a email that she will take "a test"! This is where I could use help? We live close enough to be able to go to the place linked on the site that said they administer the test for free and it takes 60 to 90 minutes! But I am not sure of her motives? I understand even if she did take the test and they found something, which if she was honest I am sure they would, she would most likely refuse treatment! If that is her choice then mine will be to walk away again for good. I do not wish to deal with what I have to on my end because she will not fix what's wrong on her end. So If anybody could answer some of my questions that would be extremely helpful? Even though I care about people in general I think this is the one circumstance in this story of my experience with somebody with a PD that I may have to cease caring which is hard for me to do but I thank you all here for helping me to stay strong.

(1)- how would I know if she is serious about taking the test and wanting to get better or at least she has a small question in mind about it?

(2)-should I agree to make the appointment for her or make her do it if she will take it?

(3)-how possible is it for her to lie her way through the test just to "pass" it if she ever really does go?

(4)-has anybody on this site ever gone through this test? Do you have any information on how it goes as to whether or not I would be involved or what my involvement would be ?Has anybody taken their SO for this test?

(5)-if anybody has taken their SO for this test? what happened after?

Any help please?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Take some quiet time and put yourself in a mindset of Clinical Detachement.

Next, look back through the years of ___’s behaviors  and look for clear patterns that display the 9 categorical criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder as published in the DSM-IV-TR :

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2)   Unstable or intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes towards others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others.

3)   Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by an unstable self-image or a sense of self.

4)   Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive.

5)   Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior, or self-mutilating behaviors.

6)   Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood with severe episodic shifts to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger, or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or symptoms of severe dissociation.

7 out of 9 would indicate Borderline Personality Disorder is present to some degree.

Keep in mind:

We are not the health professionals qualified to make diagnoses.

We cannot think about all those things without becoming emotionally triggered ourselves, as we have been hurt by our people with BPD. We need to take care of ourselves and manage our emotions properly.

We need to keep the behavior examples short and to the point, do not trap oneself in the convoluted war stories. Clinical detachement is key here.

See you on the Staying & Improving Board!

[Targeted]

Thank you

[Targeted]

I have experienced at least eight out of the nine traits with her knowing as long as I have but knew nothing about this. Even if that is not the exact diagnosis whatever letters they want to put to her behaviours needs to be addressed if she ever wants to try with me again. I thank you very much for your reply and I will try and do that and let you know what happens.

[Skip]

I am taking it as her just seeing if she can recycle me and I do not wish to allow that to happen and already told her that as well. She did respond yesterday in a email that she will take "a test"

Many pwBPD traits start treatment after or because of a failing romance.  Most serious efforts at recovery come on the heals of crisis - true for many mental illnesses.

The #1 predictor of successful treatment is a strong  family supporter.

Even though I care about people in general I think this is the one circumstance in this story of my experience with somebody with a PD that I may have to cease caring which is hard for me to do but I thank you all here for helping me to stay strong.

Maybe your decision is whether to step up and play this out in a supportive way or to step away.  The skeptical "prove yourself" at a time like this might drive a lot of resentment.

(1)- how would I know if she is serious about taking the test and wanting to get better or at least she has a small question in mind about it? - You can't know.  It has to play out.

(2)-should I agree to make the appointment for her or make her do it if she will take it?

(3)-how possible is it for her to lie her way through the test just to "pass" it if she ever really does go? - It's possible.

(4)-has anybody on this site ever gone through this test? Do you have any information on how it goes as to whether or not I would be involved or what my involvement would be ?Has anybody taken their SO for this test?  - You'd have no role.

(5)-if anybody has taken their SO for this test? what happened after?

Who made the focus of this the test?   I ask this because a treating psychiatrist or psychologist wouldn't start here for a number of clinical reasons and for fear of labeling or shaming.  He would commonly look at the easily treatable maladies first - depression, bi-polar, etc.

[Targeted]

Thank you for your reply skip,

You make some really good points and I see there are some things that I could be doing better to get help hereand maybe jumped the gun a little but this is all stressing, I am still learning too, I have never had to jail with these behaviours before. Some of that I think I could really use and apply to my situation, I would like to step up and be the supporterinstead of walk away but I feel as though she needs to at least find out exactly what it is that I need to support emotionally, do you think that it would be better serving to recommend making a appointment with a therapist that She already knows but only sees randomly and express my concerns there? I do not know how well-trained he is in this because he is a substance abuse counsellor primarilybut she just likes him.  I do not want to be part of the problem any more but I would like to be part of a solution only.

Thank you again.

[Mono No Aware]

do you think that it would be better serving to recommend making a appointment with a therapist that She already knows but only sees randomly and express my concerns there? I do not know how well-trained he is in this because he is a substance abuse counsellor primarilybut she just likes him.  I do not want to be part of the problem any more but I would like to be part of a solution only.

Thank you again.

Interesting trivia: many psychologists when they begin treating a Person With BPD actually enroll THEMSELVES in therapy in order to help them deal with the immense emotional stress a pwBPD dishes out. Many pwBPD become emotionally fixiated on their therapist and form attachements that are much more based in their self-delusion than in reality.

Note that we're talking about the rare psych professionals who are willing to take on the challenge. I called about 50, wound up with a list of 6 who were. Many were unfamiliar with BPD.

Your garden-variety substance-abuse counselor would probably be destroyed by a pwPBD who fixiates on them.

That said, I would pay my left nut and all the gold I could steal for the joy of having my wife actually like any therapist at all.

[Skip]

I called about 50, wound up with a list of 6 who were. Many were unfamiliar with BPD.

Your garden-variety substance-abuse counselor would probably be destroyed by a pwPBD who fixiates on them.

Ideally you want a physiologist with access to a psychiatrist (for meds).  BPD is a higher level mental condition and DBT is a very specialized treatment - there are not that many trained in it.

[Targeted]

Well, apply possible BPD to the situation of liking a therapist?  When she told me I have to seek therapy for alcoholism because I have a few beers at the end of my work day while doing all the work around the house and she also said that I had a ADD because she thinks I am ogling every woman that passes by due to her insecurities and cannot just stay focused on her I asked my therapist about this that I already had for dealing with life issues post divorce!  Because I was not labelled a severe alcoholic and unfunctionable due to ADD she said I only go to my therapist because he coddles me and is not addressing my issues!

On the other hand, Her counsellor assures her that she is codependent and with the right guy everything will be okay! Who is being coddled?  Her counsellor does not really know The person without the mask!   With a little bit of A smile on my face I would like to say that is not something I would give my nut for!  And I thank you for replying it does help!

[Targeted]

And to skip,

No, hopefully you're not misunderstanding me and maybe do to all the stress that I have over this There are a few things I have not made clear and that would be my fault, i'm still trying to learn to about what to do because I care about this person, is I am not perfect and do not have all the answers but I appreciate everybody's input here. What my intentions are is to find out what is really going on from a professional whoever that may beand let them decide how to properly handle it. And whatever they say how to handle it that's what I will do! I cant even be sure that it is BPD but it seems to apply, whatever it is I would just like to find out and get to work on it however a professional suggests but she is still saying she has no problem and I cannot work on something with somebody until I know what it is I have to do, I just don't know how to get her to want to find out what it is.I have done a lot of reading on this site before I joined as well as others and understand that behavioural therapy is more affective over medication's! Learning about all of this has become a kind of goal of mine no matter what the outcome, i'm still learning, I also read that her anxiety that she is diagnosed withcould be caused by something else such as this, she is diagnosed with anxiety by a primary care physician and prescribed Klonopin which I have read can increase in impulsivity!  And I do not think her counsellor that she has now is doing her any good by telling her with the right guy everything will be okay because she's codependent, and she only sees him on again off again!   I don't think anybody has taken as seriously yet, and unfortunately for her right guy is not what her counsellor says but more the guy who has knowledge about things like this which is what I am trying to do,  I thank you so much for your replies, anything you can do to help will always be appreciated even telling me where I'm wrong.

[Targeted]

And one time I caught her cheating she used the excuse that she had too much Klonopin and it makes her do that!

[Targeted]

I read about the Klonopin thing when she used it as a excuse for cheating when she said she had too much Klonopin and it makes do that!

[Skip]

I just don't know how to get her to want to find out what it is.I have done a lot of reading on this site before I joined as well as others and understand that behavioural therapy is more affective over medication's! Learning about all of this has become a kind of goal of mine no matter what the outcome, i'm still learning

She is probably not anxious to get labeled.  That might make you feel good - not her.

What motivates a person to get help is the hope of solving a problem/crisis.

These videos are really helpful in understanding how to approach this.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[Targeted]

Thank you so much skip,

I will check that out when I get home,  her history with men is really bad and I should not care as much as I do but for some reason I do! I really do not care about a group of letters or a label, I care about taking the problem putting it on the table and fixing it, we can call the problem ham and cheese for all I care!