My first communications after the cheating stops

[Grey Kitty]

Finally read her file of what she wanted to say to me. The good part: It was all about the sort of problems I'm having with my r/s with her OTHER than the cheating.

I'm not making my own choices. I'm working that. (I've already written plenty about that!)

She feels that she comes up with all sorts of stuff she wants to do, and I shoot it down. She wrote about that sort of stuff.

They are matching problems... .

Then I called her. Two hours. All civil. Some warm. Some tense. Some awkward silences.

The good part: She still likes me, and loves me. Doesn't want me to go completely away.

The other good part: She did admit that she acted against her own morals when she cheated.

The better part: I did pretty darn well at sticking to my boundaries, and communicating them clearly.

The bad part: She's still in contact with the guy and won't end it. (Yet. She's 'considering' it)

The tough part: I didn't quite live up to the statement I made earlier to a good friend: If she won't cut contact with him, it is time to start talking about dividing up assets.

The other good part: I told her that I loved her and that she was worth working really hard to fix our r/s. Ended the conversation that way.



I've been through the wringer on feelings since then.

In the aftermath, I've asked myself (almost rhetorically) how long I'll let her keep thinking about ending contact with him, before I start end our r/s.

I realized something WONDERFUL. I get to choose that. I get to choose when I'm done with our r/s.

It isn't a choice I want to make. It is empowering to remember that I get to make it. When I want to.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I realized something WONDERFUL. I get to choose that. I get to choose when I'm done with our r/s.

Yes, yes you do!  I am never one to judge anyone else and where they are in their relationship.  We have to be the best judge of what is right for us.  I do strongly believe that I will know if and when it is time to end my relationship (having ended others, I am well aware I am capable of it).  Keep firm to your boundaries and true to yourself!

[ziniztar]

Have read the thread for the most part, here are a few questions from my part:

What is it that you want, GK? What does your future look like in 5 years? Don't make the answer dependent on her (not) being in it, try to investigate what you want, it is probably extremely difficult. Try to stay away from phrasing what you don't want (that's easy... ). You have a blank page. What would you write down?

What is it that you are getting out of the r/s in the past 5 years? Both positive and negative?

I wrote down 4 different boundaries when I started the r/s with dBPDxbf.

- no verbal abuse targeted at my weight or appearance

- no physical abuse

- no cheating

- no bad periods more than 30 days consecutively

- he needed to stick to therapy

He busted 3, 4, and 5 and got angry in calling me needy, 'over the top', shouted 'what the hell do you want from me' when I just calmly asked to set a time for dinner and telling me I was expecting too much of him (?).

A few weeks ago I wrote a list with pro's and cons and it got painfully clear what I was getting out of the r/s (3 or 4 quite superficial things that I could easily build up with someone new or aren't even really important) and over 9 things that were structurally not matching with what I wanted out of a r/s.

I still go through phases where I yearn for whatever type of addiction to the intensity it was, but I also have mornings where I wake up relieved. Of the constant issue in my head of having to deal with this. My dilemma was: he was making such a big effort, and I value to reward that with something. But in reality, what he was doing, and what I wanted, was miles miles and miles apart. The only way to make that decision is to start getting clear what your life should look like in 5 years. Yay, you get to decide that, too .

If it's being with her, because despite all that has happened you're okay with it, that is fine. It means you're signing up for another decade of instability (probably) and insecurity of her not busting your boundaries again. That's fine - but it should be a conscious choice.

On the attachment and fear of intimacy topic: when anxiously attached people stay together (they are indeed drawn to each other for a reason), they usually keep each other anxiously attached. Secure attachment wins in a match with a secure attached person. My T said about me choosing dBPDxbf as a partner, that I am probably very good at "bearing the distance", as pwBPD always require a certain distance.

In the end, it wasn't dBPDxbf's behavior or emotions or cheating that made me decide to leave. It was his attitude towards changing and recovery: he doesn't believe in it anymore. And if he doesn't, there is no point in me doing it for him. I also realized that staying with him would not make me more healthy attached, and I know that my attention seeking behaviors have not helped me nor him. Fact is, that even though that is my part of the dance, I am being triggered to dance more heavily because I was with someone that kept pulling away from me, constantly getting me in a state of anxiousness due to my own attachment issues.

I'm still rooting for him to use our recent events + new experiences in his professional life as a breakthrough in his mindset, but... I have no idea if it's going to happen. In all honesty, I think it will take a while.

My point being; you can't decide unless you know what you want, or else anything you do will be reactive. So: try to find out what you want. Then mix & match, stick to it, and decide. Whatever you choose, it will make you feel like you're in control and taking good care of yourself. And that's worth a gazillion.

ps Maybe not the best answer for the Staying board, sorry.

[Rapt Reader]

This thread has reached its post limit... .It is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation.