Want it over but he lives in my house

[kerin]

Edited to add: I'm so sorry, but I have put this in the wrong place, can a moderator please move it to the right area? Thank you


Hi,

  I have been with my SO who has BPD for ten years, suffered all the usual things, including physical violence in the past (this hasn't happened for a long time though)

   I've been reading articles about how to get out of this dysfunctional thing, and started making a life for myself outside of the relationship but I have a major problem. We live together in my house. Not a rented or shared ownership place, it's mine, I own it. I'm scared to death that when it comes to getting him to leave his rages will result in him trashing and destroying it. He's already taunted me to death that he will remove all the big money items which belong to him and I will be left with nothing. I don't care about the tv, car, and other electrical goods, I'm just scared he'll smash the windows, doors, and other parts of the actual house, and with no income (I will lose the allowance I get as his full-time carer) and winter coming it's a real concern.

How exactly can you end a relationship and "get out cleanly" when you have to make them leave and cannot leave yourself?

[Bee Girl]

Hi Kerin,

I'm hoping you'll get some practical support on this from others, but I am in a similar scenario of asking my BPDbf to leave the house that I own. I understand. I've considered just up and leaving (and have for a night or two) but I'm trying for now to have him vacate in a reasonable way. It's a process, and I'm not sure how it will go.

Is it possible to get legal help? Are there domestic abuse agencies you might consult? With the previous history of violence and the threats, I can see you'll need to proceed carefully. The most important thing is to protect yourself, but I fully understand that you need to protect your home, and for this I think you'll need outside help. One possibility to consider is to find a safe place to stay during this and get assistance in keeping your home safe.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're making a healthy choice to overcome this difficult barrier to a better life. Please keep posting.

[KateCat]

I recently read the postings of a woman in a similar position, who had surprising success by making three things happen simultaneously. 1) Had her SO served with the initial papers of an eviction order; 2) Temporarily left the home herself; 3) Had a hired bodyguard from a professional agency move into the home to preserve it from damage.

From what she stated, this did not even cost as much as one might imagine, because the household dynamic of fear and control changed so quickly that the boyfriend did not linger. (This fellow too had stated exactly what he would destroy in their home should his partner ever decide to make him leave.)

I'm sorry you're in such a rough position, but very glad you are determined to save yourself and your home.

[formflier]

 



Are you sure you want him gone?  Looks like you have been dealing with this for a long time... .but are fairly new here?

What has changed recently to get you to think about moving on?

Many here... including me... .have had enormous changes for good in their r/s (relationships)

Hope to see you next posts soon.

[kerin]

Thank you all for your posts, it's good to know that there are people who really "get it" and the advice is most welcome as it will help me to think of strategies to get free.

[formflier]

Thank you all for your posts, it's good to know that there are people who really "get it" and the advice is most welcome as it will help me to think of strategies to get free.

Kerin,

I'm glad you have come back to post.  Can you tell us some about what has been going on in your world since last time you were here.

What is it that you want to get "free" from.

[kerin]

Are you sure you want him gone?  Looks like you have been dealing with this for a long time... .but are fairly new here?

What has changed recently to get you to think about moving on?

Many here... including me... .have had enormous changes for good in their r/s (relationships)

Hope to see you next posts soon.

formflier, yes I want him gone.

I am new here because I literally did not know this place existed until very recently. It's not like I've avoided the place through indecision about my relationship.

And on that subject, my love based relationship with him died in every normal sense during the first 5 years, due to the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse he dished out. We live together in a very strange kind of "friendship/partnership" now (if you can call it that)

What has changed?

He has now deliberately chosen to relapse into full blown drug addiction, amphetamines and benzodiazepines, Plus alcohol. He chose this, he told me he was going to do it, cared not one iota that I did not want him to, and did it. The worst of the abuses occurred when he was addicted to that very combination in the first 5 years.

To top it off he has decided he is "in love" with a woman on the internet. I have known the woman in question for 12 years, she used to be a "friend" but I have not spoken to her for a decade because she pursued an online sexual relationship with my previous partner. It broke my heart and directly caused the end of that relationship.

I feel that for him to do this knowing the history, with her of all people, is a double whammy of betrayal and disrespect.

Please let me make it clear that I am NOT jealous, but I am disgusted. I am disgusted that he tells her intimate details of our historical sex-life, and belittles and insults me to her. I am disgusted that he tells me he only went to her BECAUSE of our history. Apparently it's my fault he is in love with her and breaking his heart,  because I made him curious about her. *rollseyes*

There is no relationship to save and meanwhile I get older every day. I do not want to be on my deathbed wondering where my life went, while he spends his time in a drug addled psychosis seeking my replacement to look after Him. *shrug*

[kerin]

Thank you all for your posts, it's good to know that there are people who really "get it" and the advice is most welcome as it will help me to think of strategies to get free.

Kerin,

I'm glad you have come back to post.  Can you tell us some about what has been going on in your world since last time you were here.

What is it that you want to get "free" from.

I want to be free of all of the above... .and the fear that the physical abuse will start again.

I've been stuck, by finances, pressure from his family, fear of what the future holds. mostly fear, of almost everything.

And I've realised that if it carries on I will die with huge regrets, so I have to do something.

[formflier]

And I've realised that if it carries on I will die with huge regrets, so I have to do something.

Part of the mission of the staying board... .is to help people give their relationship "its best shot". 

Here is the thing... .both parties could become perfectly healthy... .not be abusive... .and the relationship could still deteriorate and one could make a decision to leave the r/s.

Th key  with the staying board is we want to arm people with the knowledge so they can "do their best... " and have a better r/s.  If the r/s fails then at least they will have no regrets about their own actions because they will have done their best.  And that is all that anyone can expect of themselves... that they do their best. 

[peiper]

Have the police come and do a civil standby.

[kerin]

And I've realised that if it carries on I will die with huge regrets, so I have to do something.

Part of the mission of the staying board... .is to help people give their relationship "its best shot". 

Here is the thing... .both parties could become perfectly healthy... .not be abusive... .and the relationship could still deteriorate and one could make a decision to leave the r/s.

Th key  with the staying board is we want to arm people with the knowledge so they can "do their best... " and have a better r/s.  If the r/s fails then at least they will have no regrets about their own actions because they will have done their best.  And that is all that anyone can expect of themselves... that they do their best. 

I'm sorry, it's probably my fault for putting it in the wrong board in the first place, but I edited to ask it be moved and it seems it has been. I don't want to stay, I posted in the staying board by mistake.

I appreciate the aims of that section, but this didn't belong there. I'm done, the regrets I speak of are the regrets involved in staying and wasting what's left of my life. I have done my best. For ten years I have done my best, I feel no regrets or worry that I could have done better, I could not have. I want out.

[kerin]

Last night was really horrible

I had set a boundary by telling him that I absolutely would not aid him in any way to buy or acquire drugs. He used every trick in the book to try and get me to lend him money and drive him out into the middle of nowhere to a dealers house. I said no over and over, he would withdraw and come back, over and over. There were screams, rages, throwing of things, and cutting on his arms, all my fault of course.

He did eventually give up though so I guess I "won"

This morning he's monosyllabic, but it's probably only a matter of time before he starts with the b___ing and accusations of me hurting him, and that I am soo horrible because I wouldn't do him this one teeny little favour. I'm feeling really rather low.

[Panther123]

I got lucky, mine left.  Now she is threatening to come back and we both own house.

Get him out, get a body guard to be at the house.  If you have to rent a storage unit for one month and move all his stuff into it.  Tell him where it is and let him go get it.  Change all the locks on the house and put a security system in.  Once things are calmer you can stop paying on security system.

Cancel unnecessary bills for a while like cable TV, etc. to get the extra cash or ask family member for help.

[waverider]

If you want him out it will probably take extreme measures.

Hiring body guards etc may seem a little too extreme, having boundaries about exposing and reporting illegal activities (which is your right) are not unreasonable. Report any threats to you and your property, report self harm. He will not want to be somewhere that is always getting him dobbed in for the smallest thing. No one is comfortable living under the spotlight of exposure.

You may have to lock him out and change locks etc and get someone to stay with you.

Negotiating an exit may not be a possible. It may very well need to be forced. You can't allow any "we are ok" moments or that just fits into his push pull behavior, you will need to be permanently in the push mode. You need to be commit to end this, wavering in to undecided mode with cause you great difficulties.

Is this what you want? You will need that determination of finality if you want to achieve it.

Does he actually have anywhere alternative to go?

[kerin]

Thanks both. I'm already starting to make his life difficult by setting boundaries I am sticking to, and in the process of tightening them up further and adding more. Waverider I hear you! reporting things like the self harm is something I intend to tackle him about shortly. He is going to be told that if it occurs again I will indeed tell his worker, and I will do it, not back off. Making him very uncomfortable under the glare of exposure is very good advice and fits in with my thoughts recently. Thank you for confirming those ideas

As is the pattern, last night he was very apologetic. It's strange that now I have come to the end of my rope and made the decision to be free of him, he seems to be making more effort and actually finding some insight into what is so foul about his behaviour. I'm not falling for it though, I remember other times like this and he always circles back into bad behaviours after he thinks I'm placated.

One good thing is that his dealer ripped him off yesterday so instead of the huge amount he had planned to buy he has very little.

He doesn't have anywhere to go, his parents won't have him back, and if they are told about the relapse will not give him any help or support. He does have a worker who can help him find somewhere to live, and he qualifies for being housed due to his diagnosis. Both the council and Mind can help him find somewhere.

I would prefer a negotiated exit if it is at all possible, but I do realise that it may not be. If I can "help and support" him right out of my house and to be more "independent" that would be an ideal to hope for. Realistically it might not be possible. When the time comes I will do whatever it takes, thanks so much for the suggestions and advice

[Pingo]

As is the pattern, last night he was very apologetic. It's strange that now I have come to the end of my rope and made the decision to be free of him, he seems to be making more effort and actually finding some insight into what is so foul about his behaviour. I'm not falling for it though, I remember other times like this and he always circles back into bad behaviours after he thinks I'm placated.

This is fairly typical.  Happened in my circumstances also.

He doesn't have anywhere to go, his parents won't have him back, and if they are told about the relapse will not give him any help or support. He does have a worker who can help him find somewhere to live, and he qualifies for being housed due to his diagnosis. Both the council and Mind can help him find somewhere.

This isn't your responsibility.  You need to focus on what you need and take care of you.  He's an adult.  He's responsible for the choices he makes.

I would prefer a negotiated exit if it is at all possible, but I do realise that it may not be. If I can "help and support" him right out of my house and to be more "independent" that would be an ideal to hope for. Realistically it might not be possible. When the time comes I will do whatever it takes, thanks so much for the suggestions and advice

This will not likely be possible.  If you read through the leaving board there aren't very many stories that resemble this.  I would recommend contacting a women's shelter.  They have ideas and resources that might be helpful.  You really need to protect yourself and as hard as it is, you need to be ready to call the police if he threatens you or starts to damage your stuff.  Again, the women's shelter would be able to direct you better here. 

It's a really tough situation.  I had to get mine out too.  Luckily it was relatively drama free but I had to change the locks and stand really firm on my boundaries and let him know I'd contact police in a moments notice.  It has taken me months to begin to relax.  Good luck!