Looking back, I should have known...

[Mr. Solo]

... .something wasn't right when my wife (fiancé at the time) called me one night from a friend's house to tell me she doesn't really love me nor does she believe we should be together. It was just right out of the blue. I, of course, was very upset and we talked on the phone for hours. I hung up under the impression we were done. This was on a Saturday night.

The following Monday, I had an appointment to get my hair cut. It was at the friend's house my fiancé was staying at (her friend's mother cut hair). I felt really awkward knowing she was there. I knocked on the door and she opened the door with the biggest smile on her face. The entire time I was there, she acted like the call a few days before had never happened. It was the strangest thing. I asked her about the call later and she said she was just scared. She pulled a similar stunt a few weeks before we married. I had to write her a long love letter to convince her I loved her and she was worthy of love. That letter was her pride and joy for the first fourteen years of our marriage. After she totally BPDed, she used that latter against me saying it was a manipulation tool. LOL.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shatra]

Hi---

   How did you cope with this?

Did she say what it is she was afraid of?

    It sounds like the phone call was the  push part of the push-pull behavior... .she feared closeness and pushed you away, then pulled you back.

Shatra

[Mr. Solo]

Hi---

  How did you cope with this?

Did she say what it is she was afraid of?

   It sounds like the phone call was the  push part of the push-pull behavior... .she feared closeness and pushed you away, then pulled you back.

Shatra

She didn't expound much about why the time we talked on the phone. She was just adamant we shouldn't be together. I did nothing to address it because, like I said, the next time I saw her she was right back to wanting to marry me. I don't even remember talking about it.

The time I wrote her the long letter, I basically told her to let me love her because I wouldn't do her like everyone else in her life had done. She was abandoned by her mother, and then father, as a child. Most of her family didn't want her and the ones that did were too old. She grew up in foster care. Was in and out of group homes and foster homes. A few family members tried to take her in when she was a teen  but it never worked. Her great grandfather finally tried to take her in but she had him, one of the most gentle men I have ever met, so mad she said he cried and raised his fist like he wanted to hit her. She said it broke her heart (that she had hurt him so bad) that she ran away so she wouldn't disappoint him any longer. Anyways, the letter was just asking her to let me love her. She read it, cried for a while, and then said she was sorry. We got married six months later.

[formflier]

 

Now that you do know... .and you have the ability to more clearly see how your r/s has developed... .how does that affect your next steps in the r/s?

[Mr. Solo]

Now that you do know... .and you have the ability to more clearly see how your r/s has developed... .how does that affect your next steps in the r/s?

I am more cautious and vigilant. I am not so quick to believe things she says; especially if they contradict her actions. Trying to be patient like I used to be. Trying to muster some self-esteem after reading so much here and seeing I am not crazy. Trying to pick my battles. Learning how to validate because one thing she said a lot before she left, and I had no idea what she was talking about, was, "You are invalidating me!" I didn't know what that meant. LOL. Just trying to be more understanding. Trying to get back my life. Trying to anticipate her actions and behavior. Trying to protect the kids from her BPD stuff. Not so quick to rush back in and be recycled after reading things around here. Coming to the realizations she is never going to be who she was before she really BPDed big time. Slowly withdrawing from her life. Want to work things out but I know now I CANNOT go back to anything close to how it was the last four years. And so on.