Am I really wrong all the time?

[maxsterling]

  He became aggressive, something he's not done before, raging in my face in a threatening way and throwing things around.  I left with my dogs in a panic and when I got back he'd gone, but smashed a picture leaving glass everywhere.  I was truly frightened of him for the first time and feel so terrible now.

Wow.  Please take care of yourself.  I know how it feels when the line gets crossed from ranting and raving to physical violence.  I've seen the physical violence twice, and it's scary.

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[janey62]

Things have escalated tonight.  He was wandering the streets refusing to come home, sending me texts, one minute attacking and the next accusing me of not caring... .

It is freezing outside tonight and I was getting so worried because he said he would rather sleep in a doorway than come home.  He seemed incoherent so I told him I would call the police.  I gave him one more chance to come home around midnight and then called them.  He was a police officer for 20 years so it would hold no fear for him.  They found him and talked to him for some time, and one came and talked to me.  He is now on his way to a psych unit as they were concerned because he broke down and told them he is feeling suicidal.

I'm so worried now, he will be feeling awful and scared, but perhaps this will help him to get the help he needs.  Meanwhile I'm here alone  :'(

I felt something had changed today... .

[maxsterling]

Wow, janey, i am impressed by your strength and good judgment!   Also glad to hear he accepted the help.

[Cat Familiar]

Janey,

I'm so glad he's safe and that you are at peace, knowing he will get treatment.

It hurts so much when they accuse you of not caring! 

[janey62]

Thanks Max and Cat... .

They assessed him and discharged him and he came home at some unearthly time in a taxi provided by the clinic.  He's now in bed with a bad chest - has anxiety pains.

I don't know how I feel today.  After all we've been through, some lovely times and times when I felt truly loved and also some terrible times when I felt hurt, angry, frustrated beyond belief, worried for him, worried about myself, humiliated, sad, lost, lonely and utterly panic stricken and miserable... .but I never felt scared of him, but yesterday he scared me, I thought he was going to go for me and I ran out of the house.  Now I feel so flat and beaten.  He really crossed a line which I prayed he never would do.

:'(

[janey62]

And now I'm feeling wrong!  He got upset with me and something I said, and later that day having got over it seemingly it came back up and caused him to lose his temper, be very scary, leave and later still tell the police that he felt suicidal! 

I want to go talk to him about it - he's in bed and I'm downstairs - but I don't trust myself.  Suicide is a sensitive issue for me because my uBPD mother committed suicide... .the threat of it sends me into a tail spin.  Frankly I wish I could get in my car with my dogs and just drive away and never come back