Does my mother have BPD or traits?

[Simbaya]

Hello,

I think my mom might have BPD traits but I am not sure she fits into the category completely but at least she is probably high functioning.  I am an only child now 36 years old and I have a son who is 17 months old.  My parents divorced when I was 3 years old and my mom always ahd bad things to say about my dad (who is not perfect but was still a big part of my life).

Anyway, as a child I always heard about how hard she had it as a single mother, how alone she felt when I left for the time scheduled with my dad, etc etc. 

Starting in my teenage years, things got bad between us and we fought incessantly (I was not a bad kid, good in school and no drugs/alcohol etc).   I remember as early as 10 years old, that she would literally pull the car over in the highway and tell me to get out or that she would not go anywhere until such and such was said etc.

Now in my adult years, she is constantly causing drama.  She remarried when I was in college and I have never really gotten along with ehr husband, who likes to smoke pot with her on a regular basis (she is a high functioning attorney).  She has never respected that I do not want to be around the pot smoking and freaked out when I said I didn't feel comfortable with her husband driving when he had been drinking.

She has visited me in college and medical school and left countless number of times right in the middle of the trip, not because I tell her to but because she just decides she has had enough with how awful I am and swears she will never come back.  Literally just leaves and goes to the airport without a plan of how she is going to get on a plane. 

At my wedding (which she has held over me because she paid for 60% of it), she acted like a total sulky b___ the entire day in front of my friends while I was getting ready because she couldn't get over something I had said at the rehearsal dinner about the salad.

We had a brief period of reprieve in our relationship when my son was born and she came to visit almost every month and things were pretty pleasant but lately it is getting bad again.

She likes to buy me or my son things but then throws it in my face later.  This past visit, she came to help for a weekend because I had emergency surgery for a miscarriage with possible precancerous complications and we thought she could help watching my son and lifting him when my husband had to work over the weekend. 90% of the weekend was pleasant but the very last night she was here, things exploded and 5 minutes later at 11 PM at night, she said I am leaving for the airport and I am not coming back for Thanksgiving (which is so manipulative as she said she was coming to cook and I invited 12 friends over).   She couldn't even put the bad 5 minute conversation aside to help pick up my son overnight when I wasn't supposed to be lifting him and she was gone by the morning. 

She has had volatile relationships with her mother (who was no gem) but she was essentially estranged from her; she has disowned her sister and close niece as of last June because they didn't come to my son's first birthday party the day after my other cousin's wedding (which I did not think was the biggest deal).  She also no longer speaks to many of her close friends for a variety of reasons and declares "I am done with them; I don't need to be treated like this."  This is how I think she is viewing me.  Yet she wants to know my biopsy results and is contacting my husband via text.  She seems super angry and resentful that my husband and I moved to a different state (for the purposes of our medical careers) and aren't living in NYC with her even though she is about to retire.  She keeps telling me that everyone else's kids stayed in NYC so why didn't I? and she doesn't want to move here when she retires (probably a good thing)!

She also uses a lot of all or nothing phrases ("you always, you never".

Anyway, I apologize for the rambling... .someone suggested I read "Stop walking on eggshells" so it got me thinking about whether my mom has BPD or not.  She doesn't really fit all of the criteria but I would love to know other people's thoughts. 

Has anyone else had a family member who impulsively leaves often?

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Simbaya,

I think most of us on here are dealing with a person in our lives who is non-diagnosed, but makes most sense to us when viewed through an understanding of BPD. So while none of us can diagnose your mom, I can say that the behaviors you describe remind me of things my own mom and mother-in-law - both undiagnosed but probable BPDs - would do and have done.

I stick around here because hearing how other people are dealing with, handling, working through, and growing past their hurts and drama is a good comfort and encouragement to me. With everything going on with your mom, what is your next step with her? If you were to change anything in your dealings with her, what would you change? (I mean, what would you change in what YOU do towards her, since, obviously, we can't change someone else.)

[domino99]

Hi

I don't know if your mom has BPD but she sounds a lot like my mother. My mother is not diagnosed but I suspected she had narcissistic tendencies and read several books about NPD five years ago.  While my mother was always dramatic, always in a fight with someone (friend, relative, spouse, neighbor, etc), I never thought she was a disorder. I just thought it was because she was an immigrant farm girl from Italy.  It was after my father died and her wrath was thrown to me (I live nearest to her although she hates my sister-in-law), that I realized her behavior constitutes abuse.  During their marriage, my father would go through bouts of silent treatment with her. He would go out of his way to embarrass her publicly. He accused her of having affairs.  Of course, she always appeared the victim.  But now, I wonder what abuse she bestowed on such a gentle, kind soul to bring him to that brink? After he died, she told me that he had an affair with a woman in our town and he fathered her child. (Why would I need to know that, even if it were true?) When I was in 5th grade, she was sleeping in my bed with me because she and my father were in a fight.  I said something to her like: "This is what it would be like to have a sister".  She replied that she was going to have a baby but my father made her go to the doctor and kill it. I really didn't think anything about her telling me this except that my poor mother. It was only until I had my own children that I am horrified that she would tell a kid that story (especially about her father!)  If she knew I was writing this she would flip out.  She hates when I tell the truth and it makes her look bad.

IF I can give you any advice,  love your child. Don't let the poisonous feelings of shame, guilt, hurt and worry take time from your beautiful gift.  Your mom has her own life. While it would be great for her to be a natural, loving part of your family, you have every right to enjoy what you have.  If she has helped you financially, that is great then that means she is a good parent. She made you. SHe is your parent. Just like you are a parent and have responsibilities toward your child, whatever above and beyond love, protection and nourishment things you want to give him. 

[zxmct98]

I'm 31(also only child) and found this forum several years ago on Thanksgiving because my mother was being a crazy b____ and I was so frustrated because our relationship was/is so childish and ridiculous.

I almost cried because I could relate to so much on here so well. That same thanksgiving my mother told me about an 'episode' she had that was sort of a suicide attempt when I was about two y/o and she was hospitalized and went to therapy for awhile, but when she told me about this a few years ago she said she wasn't diagnosed with anything.

Fast-forward to this year. A few days ago we were talking about this again and it turns out that she WAS diagnosed - she thought her psychiatrist was a jerk and that that he was obviously "just going through his diagnostic manual and writing stuff down" and I asked her what some of the things he wrote down were - she breezily replied "oh, borderline personality disorder, paranoia and a few other things" but my mom had completely dismissed this diagnosis! I think she dismissed it because she said she doesn't have a "chemical imbalance" and wasn't put on any meds.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that because as soon as she mentioned being diagnosed with BPD I could barely keep the huge smile off my face. I wanted to scream I KNEW IT!

Just because she hasn't been diagnosed or you don't know about a diagnosis doesn't mean what you're going through isn't 100% real.