uBPDx's newest head game with kids

[Boss302]

UBPDx has invented a new game with our D14 - she takes out our conflicts on the kid.

Step one: She does something stupid or irresponsible that requires a response from me.

Example: I called D14's doctor to ask whether the Wellbutrin she's on is causing her stomach issues. UBPDx calls the same doctor and comes to the conclusion I'm trying to take her off the medication, which is sent to me in the form of an accusation (i.e., "imagine my surprise when D14's doctor tells me you want to take her off Wellbutrin cold turkey". I told her I had no desire to take the child off the medication, and then she says that the doctor told her so. I told her that doctors don't make things up.

Step two: She then trolls my daughter with the conflict.

A few hours later, D14 comes home and is upset because mom is telling her I want her off her meds immediately. I told D14 that I had no such wish. That weekend, mom makes such a big deal of this with D14 that a fight ensues between them and mom starts in with "go back to your dad," which she did. I can't imagine how bad this made D14 feel.

Another example:

Yesterday, uBPDx decided to take D14 out of school for half a day to get her eyes checked. D14 gets stressed out about missing school, so I never schedule non-emergency appointments for her during class time. But that's not uBPDx's way, so she sets an appointment across town for 8:45, shows up at 8:50 to pick the kid up, and keeps her out of class for about four hours. UBPDx has D14 three weekends a month and every Wednesday after school, so there's no reason to take her out of class for an eye exam when there are scores of places that could do the exam after school, or on weekends. I ask uBPDx to refrain from doing this again (literally in those words). UBPDx says this D14's "insisted" on doing this yesterday (as if the kid's in charge of this... .LOL). And sure enough, an hour later, D14 is telling me mom is mad at her because I called her on this.

She's also responded in the past with veiled threats to hurt my relationship with the kids if I took her to court over her lack of financial disclosures to me, so this is nothing new.

Basically, she's making D14 pay every time I confront her on anything. The poor kid's already been painted black, and made the bad kid, while D18, who's in school, is the good kid. And now she has to deal with this. I've told her to respond to this with "talk to dad about it", but that doesn't work - uBPDx just amps up the drama until it becomes a blowup, like the weekend described above. And the toll it takes on D14 is heavy - mom makes the poor kid pay emotionally every time I have a problem with something mom does.

However, given that uBPDx is BPD, you can't simply let her go uncalled on her bad behaviors, or they just escalate. So, this leaves me in a pickle: either let her do what she wants, or watch my kid pay the price whenever I call her on her behaviors. Not a good place to be in.

Any suggestions on how to end this little game?

[Swiggle]

One thing I've learned with my SD12/SS7 mom who is uBPD is that I listen to them but at the same time try not to get involved with things that happen at mom's house. If there is an incident that I don't agree with or know is wrong then I document it. It is hard for parents like us who always look at what the kiddos best interest is but they disordered parents don't think like this.

Maybe it is that your ex doesn't get a rise out of you any longer on issues like this but she continues to do them because she knows that you will say something to her about it. In this instance you asked her to please not do this again (make apts. during school). You said this becasue you know that your daughter doens't like missing school but that may be something that you have to help your daughter express to her mom. Telling her not to do it again may trigger her to feel out of control then since she can't take it out on you becasue you are NC she takes it out on your daughter. That does two things... .she gets to amp up the drama and she knows that it affects you in some way, even if you don't say anything.

If mom makes D14 pay everytime you have a problem with something, could you not let her have the power of knowing you have a problem with said problem?

in the instance of the taking her out of school. She did this and although we know there are other alternatives you telling her to refrain from doing so probably won't actually make her stop. She sees it as you trying to control her, even though you are trying to do what is right for your D14. If D14 says something like "mom is taking me out of school for xyz and I don't want her to since I don't like missing school" you could say "that must be really hard have you tried talking to mom about doing things another way" help her think of other options she could discuss with mom that are acceptable to her at the same time helping her know that mom may not change her mind and that she should respect that blah blah blah. Your house your rules, her house her rules.

[Boss302]

Well, that's the other side of the problem - "her house, her rules" is perfectly OK when the rules and behaviors make sense, but in uBPDx's case, they don't. It goes beyond the normal "let's pit mom versus dad and see what happens" game - if that was the problem, and mom wasn't buying the kids stuff they wanted or they were bored with her, then I'd absolutely say, "well, I understand how you'd feel bad about that, but it's her house and she sets her own rules there." In fact, I've done that on many occasions.

UBPDx has a bad, bad history of irresponsibility that includes getting evicted multiple times, not making the kids go to school (she pulled D18 out of school for an entire year and let D14 stay home literally for weeks with ailments like sick stomachs), and filthy living conditions. It got bad enough that social services was involved. She was completely off the rails. And the kids never came to me with any of these issues because mom was blaming me, and they bought it. They don't anymore.

So, when an issue like D14's schooling comes up, it's not just "her house, her rules" - I feel like uBPDx has to be kept accountable for what she does, or her behavior will get outrageously bad again. The kids should be able to address basic parenting issues with me, because they won't get anywhere with her - she'll paint them black, which takes a huge emotional toll.

Therefore, I could tell D14 to set boundaries with mom, but it won't work. So... .any suggestions here would be appreciated.

[Nope]

When DH decided to take his BPDx to court for contempt and for custody he knew it was going to be horrible on the kids. She raged at them constantly and told the painted black child that it was all his fault. She had the kids almost all year because we live out of state and they literally had no escape or safe haven from their mother's verbal and emotional abuse.

One of the hardest things DH has ever had to accept is that he could not control the way his children were treated by their mother. All he could do was try to get help from the professionals. All he could do directly for the kids is validate their feelings for as much as they talk about them and let the kids know they are loved.

My T tells me all the time that everything they went through really sucks but that kids are resilient just so long as they know they are loved. That's the best answer I have found for this one, unfortunately.

[david]

So a new kind of situation arises with ex. D14 gets the initial bs. D14 comes to see you and is upset. Now is the time to get things straight. Listen, validate (I can see how that would make you upset, I never did anything like that before, I would never do something like that and not talk to you about it, I did talk to the doc about your upset stomache and this is what he said, if something like this happens again just remember you can always talk to me, or something similar) and find a way to figure this out together.

I had similar issues in tghe past. Our S16 sees through his mom's bs now so he doesn't have problems with her anymore. He knows he can always call me to hear what I have to say about whatever and he pretty much knows what I will say since I am very consistent with him. Our S11 is still too young to get it totally but he is watching his older brother dealing with his mom and is finding his own ways to figure things out.

Usually now when ex goes into drama mode I noticed both boys tune her out and let her rant on her own. They usually tell me what ex is doing or saying that don't make sense to them. I listen mopstly. I don't usually say anything unless they ask what I think.