They leave us where they had everything and they settle for poverty Why ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Amazing when I see my ex struggling and in need for A lousy $ 25 where she had everything she wanted all expenses paid no job nothing ,

Does any one knows the answer ?

[guy4caligirl]

Amazing when I see my ex struggling and in need for A lousy $ 25 where she had everything she wanted all expenses paid no job nothing ,

Does any one knows the answer ?

[GuiltHaunted]

Wanting to prove their independence (to themselves perhaps)?

My ex left me too in a situation where she had significant economic troubles. At the same time my situation improved hugely (becoming an airline captain). In fact my situation improved that much that it would have taken care of all her problems like the stroke of a magic wand. My replacement is studying! At least she didn't stay with me for the money.

[BrokenFamily]

I've asked myself this question several times.

The best I can come up with is:

A. She wasn't happy (she claimed at the time she was happier than she's ever been and from what I know of her past I believed it) but like she's told me several times recently if she was happy she would still be with me. Maybe the temporary euphoria of the honeymood (<pun intended) period is bringing her more happiness than she's felt in the past and she's right?

B. She wasn't ready to be a mother & wife (she also said many times she loved her family, wanted to marry me and even talked about having another child) In reality she slept late, didn't take an active interest in taking care of or planning activities with our daughter and was more interested in her hair, her pimples or her silly TV shows.

C. She couldn't deal with the pressure and may have felt not good enough (I'm a hyper active individual who would run around the house cleaning, paying bills, doing laundry and taking care of the baby and planning everything in our lives. I asked very little of her and often told her I would carry the heavy load while you peruse what it is you want to do in life. Unfortunately she wasn't motivated to do anything at all.

D. She's crazy, don't appreciate anything or anyone and only thinks of herself hurting others and even herself in the process. So she's content to take a bus.

E. All of the above

[777Alex777]

Mine had it made. Forever, and left anyways. Money doesn't seem to offer them the security they need anymore then amazing love and companionship.

[seeking balance]

Amazing when I see my ex struggling and in need for A lousy $ 25 where she had everything she wanted all expenses paid no job nothing ,

Does any one knows the answer ?

Hi guy4caligirl,

I can understand your struggle at figuring her actions out - it really is the action of leaving that is the BPD and not really the financial component (which I realize baffles you).

A pwBPD leaves when their abuse (real or perceived)  is too great.  That abuse they feel is the intense fear of abandonment at times, the intense feeling of being invalidated - many things are going on beneath the emotional skin that you have no idea.

This is honestly not a financial thing as much as her perception was being poor is better than the abuse.  Being poor also keeps her in the victim mentality which is a comfortable place for a pwBPD.

Focusing on the facts of the disorder and seeing how they play out really helped me rather than trying to analyze "illogical" behavior... .that is just plain crazy-making of our own doing.

Keep reading the facts, the articles - give your brain time to really critically think out the disorder.

Peace,

SB

[Targeted]

Hi guy,

My ex nightmare was with a literal millionaire business owner before me, I am a blue collar worker struggling to pay bills after a divorce as well as paying child support, she know that I could not possibly financially promised her the world, As a matter of fact she knew that our Financial well-being was going to be tough, and I was still the longest relationship she has ever had in her life, it is my belief after my experience that we as normal people would think that a easier lifestyle offered would be A great positive to somebody in a loving relationship, yeah it is!  My experience being the flip side of the coin to yours can possibly let us see something in the middle for what it really is! Looking at these two situations I believe They are not driven by normal sensible cognitive thinking and fall in love in a normal fashion based on a little bit of physical attraction and a healthy emotional connection, but these are emotionally driven women and their emotions are dysfunctional to the point where it distorts their cognitive thinking.  It is also known fact that they are driven by their desire for love and to be loved, and their fear of abandonment always overrides this because the one thing that they want the most is the one thing they are paranoid of.   It does not make sense to me either but it is what it is.   Go figure, you can provide yours with a good lifestyle and she is scraping for $25, mine on the other hand and has been with a millionaire and I really cannot afford her anything!  But she is still making frantic efforts to see me again!    I think the bottom line is they are just driven by something they have no control over.    Their emotions

[thatwasthat]

I won't go into detail for obvious reasons.

But although I'm not poor at all she settled for less with me.

The guy I replaced was extremely well off.

I talking assets in the top 20 nation wide here.

HA. You really can't call her a golddigger I guess.

All she would have had to do would have been to NOT EFF that one up beyond measure and she would have been set up for a life in incredible wealth.  

It was a very well guarded secret and I found out about it only well after she dumped me (although she kind of told me about it - but I was too deep in the fog, but that's another story.)

[BrokenFamily]

Wanting to prove their independence (to themselves perhaps)?

Excellent observation GuiltHaunted,

I've thought that and she has even eluded to it but I've seen no progress and she's actually becoming more dependent. She depends on all her friends and family for emotional support insisting they believe it's all my fault, on her mother and family for help with our daughter while she sleeps till the afternoon and even the replacement and his mother for a place to stay and food to eat because she hates being at her mothers house.  

[guy4caligirl]

I've asked myself this question several times.

The best I can come up with is:

A. She wasn't happy (she claimed at the time she was happier than she's ever been and from what I know of her past I believed it) but like she's told me several times recently if she was happy she would still be with me. Maybe the temporary euphoria of the honeymood (<pun intended) period is bringing her more happiness than she's felt in the past and she's right?

B. She wasn't ready to be a mother & wife (she also said many times she loved her family, wanted to marry me and even talked about having another child) In reality she slept late, didn't take an active interest in taking care of or planning activities with our daughter and was more interested in her hair, her pimples or her silly TV shows.

C. She couldn't deal with the pressure and may have felt not good enough (I'm a hyper active individual who would run around the house cleaning, paying bills, doing laundry and taking care of the baby and planning everything in our lives. I asked very little of her and often told her I would carry the heavy load while you peruse what it is you want to do in life. Unfortunately she wasn't motivated to do anything at all.

D. She's crazy, don't appreciate anything or anyone and only thinks of herself hurting others and even herself in the process. So she's content to take a bus.


I am with you on A C D E I a, blessed I did not have a child with her during the 5 tears R/S

E. All of the abo

[guy4caligirl]

Wanting to prove their independence (to themselves perhaps)?

Excellent observation GuiltHaunted,

I've thought that and she has even eluded to it but I've seen no progress and she's actually becoming more dependent. She depends on all her friends and family for emotional support insisting they believe it's all my fault, on her mother and family for help with our daughter while she sleeps till the afternoon and even the replacement and his mother for a place to stay and food to eat because she hates being at her mothers house.  



This  is my case I agree with you , but no child Involved  thank god ,a part if you want her back or not this should be a better situation than others , the only way I will take her back is for  her to admit she has a serious problem she knows she has BPD she needs help and I stressed on that for 4 months now but no positive results yet , if not I won't I feel sad for  her really but I should feel sad for me but hey ! I am getting there .

[SpringInMyStep]

I don't understand it either! I thought I was giving my ex a better life, or at least with both of us together, we could be stronger than one person alone. She just doesn't value "nice things" or care at all about the physical environment around her. I'm very interested in making my home feel comfortable and good and homey and part of that is the aesthetics.

So now that we've split, she makes a really big deal out of "doing without". It's like her righteous badge of honor.

I am just confused and don't know how I was ever with this person.

[SpringInMyStep]

This is honestly not a financial thing as much as her perception was being poor is better than the abuse.  Being poor also keeps her in the victim mentality which is a comfortable place for a pwBPD.

You hit on it right there... .being the victim is more comfortable for them! My ex is exactly this way and has crafted her entire identity around being a victim. She'll latch onto any cause or group of oppressed and then decide she fits in with them too. Ugh.

[node4]

I had the same experience. She had everything, but she had major issues with not earning it herself. She wanted to "earn" it all herself. However she could not keep her self together long enough to support long term goals, or jobs. So she felt like a failure, and then you become apart of that anger as she projected her perceived failures onto you. She ended up having resentment for you helping her and giving her everything... .BPD... .

[going places]

Amazing when I see my ex struggling and in need for A lousy $ 25 where she had everything she wanted all expenses paid no job nothing ,

Does any one knows the answer ?

Beautiful home on acreage.

Loving wife, 3 amazing kids.

Wanted for nothing, never heard the word 'no'.

Pretty amazing easy life... .in a very comfortable lifestyle.

Now?

"Claims" he's 'sleeping on the floor eating one meal a day".

Someone crashed his car, so he's borrowing a car.

Changing jobs, AGAIN... .(3 in 3 years)

The answer?

The abyss of self.

Always looking for the bigger better deal.

Incapable of saying "I was wrong, I'm sorry"

Would rather suffer than to say "I was wrong".

[guy4caligirl]

Amazing when I see my ex struggling and in need for A lousy $ 25 where she had everything she wanted all expenses paid no job nothing ,

Does any one knows the answer ?

Beautiful home on acreage.

Loving wife, 3 amazing kids.

Wanted for nothing, never heard the word 'no'.

Pretty amazing easy life... .in a very comfortable lifestyle.

Now?

"Claims" he's 'sleeping on the floor eating one meal a day".

Someone crashed his car, so he's borrowing a car.

Changing jobs, AGAIN... .(3 in 3 years)

The answer?

The abyss of self.

Always looking for the bigger better deal.

Incapable of saying "I was wrong, I'm sorry"

Would rather suffer than to say "I was wrong".

Thank you for your  post it's a very self destructing disorder! May God give them the rest they need as they go to a awkward wakening in time , to get help .

[myself]

Would rather suffer than to say "I was wrong".

While each of us have many chances in our lives to change things for the better, for a pwBPD much of this is not a choice, it's a disorder. Within those self-imposed cycles of suffering there is internal acknowledgment that they're 'wrong' (seeing but also avoiding/denying), which sets more shame in motion and etc. Although a pwBPD would call it 'freedom'. Very different from the 'being free' that we're working towards here, isn't it?

[pieceofme]

I don't understand it either! I thought I was giving my ex a better life, or at least with both of us together, we could be stronger than one person alone. She just doesn't value "nice things" or care at all about the physical environment around her. I'm very interested in making my home feel comfortable and good and homey and part of that is the aesthetics.

So now that we've split, she makes a really big deal out of "doing without". It's like her righteous badge of honor.

I am just confused and don't know how I was ever with this person.

i had the same experience. my ex and i were in the process of relocating and moving in together. i left on a monday, spent three long days moving and unpacking everything by myself (on a third floor condo in phoenix, in 118 degree heat). when he arrived three days later, our home was perfect - but he was upset i "didn't make him feel welcome" as if he was a guest? in the home that we picked out together? it made no sense to me. three days later, he raged at me that he didn't care if we had a nice place to live, that he didn't believe i had worked so hard to make a nice home for us. he said i must've just done it for myself    an hour later, he walked out and that was that. the worst part is he never came back for his stuff, so i was responsible for moving it and getting it back to him. just when you think it couldn't get any worse,

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh wow, pieceofme, I'm sorry that happened! It's one of those things that has no logical explanation. No matter what we say or do, they have crafted a story in their minds about the "truth". Mine still tells me she thought I was trying to control her through her therapist, who I saw a few times to try and get some insight on how to deal with her symptoms. But to them, there's always a grand conspiracy and they will always be the victims.

[peiper]

Mine traded living in a 2000 square ft house to live in a motor home with my replacement.  Or she was, I'm sure he's tired of her by now. Poor jerk.

[BrokenFamily]

I don't understand it either! I thought I was giving my ex a better life, or at least with both of us together, we could be stronger than one person alone. She just doesn't value "nice things" or care at all about the physical environment around her. I'm very interested in making my home feel comfortable and good and homey and part of that is the aesthetics.

So now that we've split, she makes a really big deal out of "doing without". It's like her righteous badge of honor.

I am just confused and don't know how I was ever with this person.

i had the same experience. my ex and i were in the process of relocating and moving in together. i left on a monday, spent three long days moving and unpacking everything by myself (on a third floor condo in phoenix, in 118 degree heat). when he arrived three days later, our home was perfect - but he was upset i "didn't make him feel welcome" as if he was a guest? in the home that we picked out together? it made no sense to me. three days later, he raged at me that he didn't care if we had a nice place to live, that he didn't believe i had worked so hard to make a nice home for us. he said i must've just done it for myself    an hour later, he walked out and that was that. the worst part is he never came back for his stuff, so i was responsible for moving it and getting it back to him. just when you think it couldn't get any worse,

I'm sure it had nothing to do with him feeling welcome, they are masters of creating drama to obtain a goal. My ex left me over a silly fight about a facebook comment looked me dead in the eyes and seemed very serious but only did it because she had my replacement lined up and waiting.

[Bak86]

I don't really get it either. My ex has a lot of debts at the moment. I absolutely have zero, never been in debt ever. I have a good steady income, i have wealthy parents, i have a great house and i'm completely stable. She told me that you can't really force someone to love you. I don't think stable lives don't really mean anything to them. They're looking for mr or mrs perfect that simply aren't there. You can be the richest person, the most kind person, the most loving person, the PERFECT person, they will find flaws. Nothing is ever enough for these people. They push away the persons that love them the most. It's sickening.

[fred6]

Beautiful home on acreage.

Loving wife, 3 amazing kids.

Wanted for nothing, never heard the word 'no'.

Pretty amazing easy life... .in a very comfortable lifestyle.

^^^^I need to find one of those,

[Tom P]

I suppose in a way it can be looked at as a form of self harm for them. Lets be honest they never really seem to enjoy true happiness. Otherwise idealisation would continue throughout a long a sustained relationship,instead of the brief burn out that a lot of people experience in a relationship with a BPD . They have to pick things apart and find faults wherever and whenever they can. It gives them some form of justification for there actions (eg "i act like this because im miserable" even when they have a loving partner and or family it will never be enough for them) also to put it bluntly.they like having something to moan and complain about. It provides fuel for the "victim complex"that so many of them seem to suffer from

[fromheeltoheal]

Trying to use rational thought, logic and reason to understand a mental illness is futile and can be crazymaking; best to not do that.

With borderlines think attachments and fear of abandonment, that's all.  The material things, the lifestyle and the amount of love we show is irrelevant; if a borderline feels an attachment is slipping and they're about to be abandoned, or they're getting too close and the intimacy is too much to handle emotionally, those feelings become facts, followed by behaviors.  And as we know what happens and how it's interpreted is always different, depending on who's filter it goes through, and if the filter is disordered, what shows up on the other side may or may not have anything to do with what most of us call reality.

[bruceli]

I don't really get it either. My ex has a lot of debts at the moment. I absolutely have zero, never been in debt ever. I have a good steady income, i have wealthy parents, i have a great house and i'm completely stable. She told me that you can't really force someone to love you. I don't think stable lives don't really mean anything to them. They're looking for mr or mrs perfect that simply aren't there. You can be the richest person, the most kind person, the most loving person, the PERFECT person, they will find flaws. Nothing is ever enough for these people. They push away the persons that love them the most. It's sickening.

Or in the case of my pwPD, make something up because she couldn't find anything.  The most bizzar of them all.