Anyone have kids watch Welcome Back, Pluto?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those who aren't familiar, Welcome Back, Pluto, is a DVD explaining alienation, and it explains it in a very non-judgmental, kid-friendly way.  We have BPD mom who has really alienated DSD17 and works on DSS14 and DSS16 on an off-and-on basis.  I am not sure why, but in the past few weeks, it is clear by the kids' behavior that she is not working on them too much right now.  DSD17 hasn't come to see her dad in two months (or every time she did, she made sure she was out the whole time she was here so he never saw her), but for Thanksgiving break, she did.  Warshak is all about striking "while the iron is cold" so we thought this would be a good time.  DH watched it with the boys (who are not as alienated and live with us, but she still works on them) while I took DSD and let her watch it alone with the promise I would not make her talk about it.

None of the kids said a word during or after, but they were watching it intently.  While the DVD showed some extreme behaviors, there was no doubt that the messages were there.  It talks about not letting rejected parent know about school events (just happened--BPD mom tried to block DH from going to DSD17's senior recognition night), having kids decide whether or not to see other parent (BPD mom does this ALL THE TIME and the kids think it is fine); not talking with kids about court and other adult matters (again, BPD mom was doing this and kids were accusing us of lying by omission because we would not do this); etc.  It talks about how kids often want to side with the parent they perceive as the underdog (very much the dynamic in our situation--BPD mom is queen at playing victim).  At the same time, the DVD gives many outs and excuses for the alienation tactics and is very careful not to throw the favored parent under the bus--it fights for the kids to have a relationship with both parents.  It also talks about mistakes the rejected parent makes (DH has definitely done some of those as well).

So we don't really know what the kids thought after seeing that; we only know that all of the kids WERE openly talking and friendly with DH after watching it (so they couldn't have been too mad).  I am hopeful--this felt like a Hail Mary pass... .everything else has failed, and we really want our family to start healing.  Even when their counselor tells them that they should not be told about adult matters, should not get to choose if they go to a parent's house, etc., they think she is saying that because she is biased against BPD mom.  Hopefully, a mass-produced DVD will carry more weight.

Anyone else use this in the past?  I am interested in those experiences.

[sanemom]

For those who aren't familiar, Welcome Back, Pluto, is a DVD explaining alienation, and it explains it in a very non-judgmental, kid-friendly way.  We have BPD mom who has really alienated DSD17 and works on DSS14 and DSS16 on an off-and-on basis.  I am not sure why, but in the past few weeks, it is clear by the kids' behavior that she is not working on them too much right now.  DSD17 hasn't come to see her dad in two months (or every time she did, she made sure she was out the whole time she was here so he never saw her), but for Thanksgiving break, she did.  Warshak is all about striking "while the iron is cold" so we thought this would be a good time.  DH watched it with the boys (who are not as alienated and live with us, but she still works on them) while I took DSD and let her watch it alone with the promise I would not make her talk about it.

None of the kids said a word during or after, but they were watching it intently.  While the DVD showed some extreme behaviors, there was no doubt that the messages were there.  It talks about not letting rejected parent know about school events (just happened--BPD mom tried to block DH from going to DSD17's senior recognition night), having kids decide whether or not to see other parent (BPD mom does this ALL THE TIME and the kids think it is fine); not talking with kids about court and other adult matters (again, BPD mom was doing this and kids were accusing us of lying by omission because we would not do this); etc.  It talks about how kids often want to side with the parent they perceive as the underdog (very much the dynamic in our situation--BPD mom is queen at playing victim).  At the same time, the DVD gives many outs and excuses for the alienation tactics and is very careful not to throw the favored parent under the bus--it fights for the kids to have a relationship with both parents.  It also talks about mistakes the rejected parent makes (DH has definitely done some of those as well).

So we don't really know what the kids thought after seeing that; we only know that all of the kids WERE openly talking and friendly with DH after watching it (so they couldn't have been too mad).  I am hopeful--this felt like a Hail Mary pass... .everything else has failed, and we really want our family to start healing.  Even when their counselor tells them that they should not be told about adult matters, should not get to choose if they go to a parent's house, etc., they think she is saying that because she is biased against BPD mom.  Hopefully, a mass-produced DVD will carry more weight.

Anyone else use this in the past?  I am interested in those experiences.

[PinkieV]

My DH has custody of SS14 after ten long years of alienation, and I wish I had known about this DVD last year. Counseling has really been working thankfully but I'll file this away for future reference. It's really encouraging that the kids were chatty and engaged after watching. It sounds like the DVD is balanced and fair, and of course it being in a kid-centric medium rather than at a counselors office definitely helps!

We're to the point now that SS will acknowledge what BM has said and done, without placing blame. He also felt safe enough to tell us things that he thought we had done wrong when DH filed for emergency custody last year. He wished he had been allowed to speak in court, and that the timing of everything had been kind of bad. We were able to explain that we had no control over the court schedule and hearings, and that at his age, he was not allowed to have a voice. We asked him if there was anything he'd like to do differently as far as visitation, because if we were able to, we'd change it so he could visit BM more. We live two states away so he's only visiting on holidays. He thankfully said he was fine with the schedule ha ha. But it was just so good to work out a few things he'd been holding inside and wondering about.

[sanemom]

DSD17 and DSS14 just went to the park.  DSD17 is the one who is most alienated right now while DSS14 is clearly BPD mom's next target (she has been working him and ignoring DSS16).  I figure if they talk about it together, they will either talk themselves out of it or towards a greater understanding of what has been happening in their lives.  It makes me nervous, but it is what it is.  Worst case scenario, we planted some seeds.

[pilgrim]

I have 50/50 custody of D16 (very alienated) and D12 (somewhat alienated).  I bought the DVD last summer but haven't shown it to them.  I do fear that if I show it, they will report back to their mom (my uBPDxw) and she'll retaliate and raise havoc.  Wonder if you can suggest guidelines for showing it to kids so as not to "wake the border lion."  Kids are not in therapy.

[sanemom]

Ya know, I think the DVD does a good job at talking about what BOTH parents do that confuses/messes up kids.  :)H watched it with the boys, and I had DSD in the other room watching it (I felt like being there would be too much pressure--I also told her I would not make her talk about it).  When the boys went to the counselor, they seemed to think that DH was the favored parent with them but the rejected parent with DSD... .until my DH started pointing out some things (how BPD mom kept talking about the court case and told them not to talk with him about it, for instance).  I think they felt it was implied that the favored parent has custody, and since DH has custody of the boys, he must be their favored parent.  At the same time, they could totally see their sister as the alienated kid and DH as her rejected parent.  It couldn't have been more obvious on that one.

I think it would be good to show to your kids and focus only on what YOU are doing wrong.  For instance, occasionally my DH DOES badmouth BPD mom.  And when I say occasionally, I mean occasionally--I think he has maybe done it five times this year (and usually due to frustration that they keep believing her lies).  Sometimes they feel like we are badmouthing when we are not--once my DD was talking to me about frustrations with DSD becoming someone totally different these days, and DSS overheard and felt like we were badmouthing mom (not a word was said about their mom--he just made that leap).  Regardless, that kind of thing hurts the kids so he apologized.

We have thought about offering to let them show their mom the DVD as well, as a "I know your mom and I want what is best for you, and sometimes we make mistakes without knowing it--do you think it would help you if your mom saw this, too?"... .still thinking on that one.  I know that when therapists use it, they often show the favored parent the DVD with the kids.  Maybe show it to them; acknowledge your issues, and then see if they want BPD mom to see it?  I don't know... .

Anyone have other ideas?  

[ForeverDad]

The DVD may not come back in one piece or not at all, especially if it comes from you and not the therapist... .