Trying to understand why...

[PinkPoker]

My uBPD friend and I have been on a rocky road of late.  Most recently after giving me the silent treatment Becusse i didn't reply to a message until hours later.  I tried for days to say sorry and then after some advice was told to leave it and he'd want me before I'd want him.  This turned out to be true!  He rang me at work a couple weeks later acting like nothing had happened!

Anyway,  last week it was our birthdays. His before mine. So I posted a card and present (hand delivered to his mail box) a couple days before and then on the day sent him a message saying happy birthday hope you have a nice day.  He said thanks and it was my birthday soon! He never mentioned the card etc.  So I replied and said I hope u got the card okay.  He left it for hours and then said he had and he would open it soon! 

Weird I thiught... .So the day after his bday he did text and said thanks for the card and the present was a nice surprise... .   In the card is asked if he wanted to meet for a drink Saturday night so he also said in the msg he was going out with family and would meet after.    I took a few hours to reply to this and said I was sorry I was out with family.

Next day... .It was my birthday... .Recieved loads of messages from friends family, online and by phone etc.   My uBPD best friend? Nothing, I could not understand it.  So I messaged him that night and asked if he was stroppy with me because I couldnt reply straight away the night before. I did explain my phones being playing up, which is true.    He did reply and said he wasn't stroppy and they'd been a death In his sister in laws family (who he claims he hates).  He said happy birthday hope you had a great day. This was at like 10pm

I replied and basically said thanks. But the next day I was feeling so hurt. I knew he'd been online that day several times.  I sent him a message saying I was upset he managed to msg other people and gave examples and that I was advised to be around people who wanted to be around me for own sanity.

He replied and said I was reading into things to much and listen to other people's opinions too much and that I should follow my heart and it was nice knowing me!

I replied and said I wasn't reading into things and that yes people had said stuff and he had proved them right.  For once I said how I felt rather than try and save 'us' because I don't want to lose him.  I told him I felt he was pushed me to see how far I'd go and that whilst he might be protecting himself he was hurting me.   

Well... .He's blocked me on whatsapp.  Never done that before.  He hasn't un-friended on FB. I knew I couldn't go on letting him walk all over me. But it hurts really bad. I want to be able to tell him how I feel without worrying he'll cut me off.      I know he has serious abandoment issues as I've experienced passive aggressive behaviour when I didn't do anything wrong but he thought I was going to leave a building without telling him!

So why is he acting like this? He says I'm his best friend, I've got under his skin whilst he keeps most other people at a distance. He says I'm a kind, nice hearted person etc.    Blocking me is suppose to solve what?   Do I just wait it out again? I mean I know said I needed to be around people who want to be around me but I just wanted him to realise what he'd done, how he'd hurt me.   

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Did you explain that this was about no gift or card and not even a call till late? Or leave it at "people who want to be around me?"

A mistake partners and friends of pwBPD often make is to assume the meaning of their behavior. You don't like that he didn't do anything about your birthday, and you assume it's because he "doesn't want to be with" you. Do you see that that is your assumption based on how YOUR feelings work? His work differently. It doesn't make for good communication to tell the other person how they feel. Better to explain how you feel and what actions caused the feeling. It's a subtle but important difference.

Where are you about going forward? Do you want to fix this?

[PinkPoker]

Hi,

This is part of what I put:  "Listen I've been thinking... .Yeah I was upset u didn't msg me yesterday when u msged #### on his bday & you're mum was really ill & all that fuss u made 4 ##### on hers. I think I've been trying to hard to make this friendship work! 

I've been advised to surround myself with people who wanna be around me 4 my own sanity & I don't believe u do. No hard feelings... .Take care"

I got to a stage where I felt I wasn't being me because I was scared of losing him. I Still am but I couldn't continue letting him treat me the way he has. When he replied and said I read  into things too much etc.  I did reply & explained how it felt like I triggered him (I believe I do). And although I didn't know what happened in his past I wasn't the cause and basically not to tar me with the same brush. 

Maybe I hit a raw nerve? Whatever has happened in the past he has never blocked me just given me the deadly silent treatment.  I read on here once, the blacker they paint you the deeper the emotional attachment?

I totally understand what you're saying and I don't think it's because he doesn't want to be with me. I Just wanted him to know he can't always get away with treating me like crap and expecting me to jump when he decides I'm good enough to be his best mate again.

"Nice knowing you" seems pretty cold for someone who said they cared.  Is it because he thinks everyone leaves him any way? I don't know... .  But why block me?  I wasn't constantly messaging him or nasty.  I do want to fix this. However I know I can't turn round and say sorry I didn't mean it etc because then he'll know he can carry on the way he is.   

[ColdEthyl]

Hi,

This is part of what I put:  "Listen I've been thinking... .Yeah I was upset u didn't msg me yesterday when u msged #### on his bday & you're mum was really ill & all that fuss u made 4 ##### on hers. I think I've been trying to hard to make this friendship work! 

I've been advised to surround myself with people who wanna be around me 4 my own sanity & I don't believe u do. No hard feelings... .Take care"

I got to a stage where I felt I wasn't being me because I was scared of losing him. I Still am but I couldn't continue letting him treat me the way he has. When he replied and said I read  into things too much etc.  I did reply & explained how it felt like I triggered him (I believe I do). And although I didn't know what happened in his past I wasn't the cause and basically not to tar me with the same brush. 

Maybe I hit a raw nerve? Whatever has happened in the past he has never blocked me just given me the deadly silent treatment.  I read on here once, the blacker they paint you the deeper the emotional attachment?

I totally understand what you're saying and I don't think it's because he doesn't want to be with me. I Just wanted him to know he can't always get away with treating me like crap and expecting me to jump when he decides I'm good enough to be his best mate again.

"Nice knowing you" seems pretty cold for someone who said they cared.  Is it because he thinks everyone leaves him any way? I don't know... .  But why block me?  I wasn't constantly messaging him or nasty.  I do want to fix this. However I know I can't turn round and say sorry I didn't mean it etc because then he'll know he can carry on the way he is.   

When pwBPD paints someone black, it's a very deep black. Everything with them is extreme, including their reactions. Yes, it seems harsh to you. But, again you are thinking about how you FEEL, and not about how they THINK.

This is really hard, because as "norms" this is not natural. Communicating with a pwBPD take a lot of time and practice, and even then there's no "fail-safe"

[PinkPoker]

Yeah I was thinking about how I feel. Because he's hurt me so much and played with my emotions.  He's a friend who some say likes me more than a friend and in my head I wonder how when he treats me so badly.

I know, I know it's how they think but if I don't change how I react he will always think it's okay to behave in the manner he does... .

Why did he block me from whatsapp?  I just don't understand what the purpose was / is?

[ColdEthyl]

BPD is complex, but I'll try to break it down a little.

In their heads... .there's a tape recorder, usually several going on all day... .telling them how useless they are, how everyone will disappoint them and leave them, how mean the world is, etc. It's a never ending tape.

With that in mind, take another part of BPD which is how they process emotion... .which is not very well. At all. They are more like toddlers in that department... .they don't get what they want and they throw fits. They know they are angry, but don't know why. So they yell and stomp and curse at everyone around them.

Ok, with those two pieces in place, understand that any "you" statements will feel to THEM like a personal attack. "Why didn't you do this, you didn't do that" etc. Because they cannot be defective. If they are defective, you will leave and everyone will hates them... .etc etc

Why did he block you? Because he's angry and throwing a fit. The fact he didn't unfriend you on FB is because he isn't shutting the door... .he's just slamming it. You made him feel (unintentionally) like he is worthless, so you are painted black.

How do you stop it? Well, you won't all the time. But by learning the tools here on this forum you can communicate better, place boundaries, and avoid dysregulation in the future

I appreciate your thoughts on wanting to curb his behavior thus so he knows it's not ok to treat you badly, but I'm afraid you are looking at it a bit at the wrong angle. You can and should place boundaries, you shouldn't expect to "change" him or his reactions, that is unrealistic. It's a mental disorder.

Yeah I was thinking about how I feel. Because he's hurt me so much and played with my emotions.  He's a friend who some say likes me more than a friend and in my head I wonder how when he treats me so badly.

I know, I know it's how they think but if I don't change how I react he will always think it's okay to behave in the manner he does... .

Why did he block me from whatsapp?  I just don't understand what the purpose was / is?

[PinkPoker]

You explained that extremly well - thank you... .

He has never told me he has BPD but I strongly believe he does... .  The tape recorder was a great example and he himself has told me he replays stuff In his head over and over again and it can take him days to sort it out and departmentalise it.

I have been reading and learning so much from this site and validation for some time worked.

I wondered why he decided not to contact me on birthday was it control or was it because I didn't answer a message straight away the night before? I don't know but I hope we can work things out. I want to support him.

[ColdEthyl]

Honestly? He might have forgotten. He might have been doing something else, and when they do sometimes they "zone out" and miss things. He could have felt inferior because you surprised him with a card and present, and he didn't put any thought into yours. Birthdays and holidays are weird for pwBPD.

He could have been upset you didn't answer right away, so that would be your 'punishment'.

You explained that extremly well - thank you... .

He has never told me he has BPD but I strongly believe he does... . The tape recorder was a great example and he himself has told me he replays stuff In his head over and over again and it can take him days to sort it out and departmentalise it.

I have been reading and learning so much from this site and validation for some time worked.

I wondered why he decided not to contact me on birthday was it control or was it because I didn't answer a message straight away the night before? I don't know but I hope we can work things out. I want to support him.

[PinkPoker]

It wasn't that he'd forgotten. He knew full well if was my birthday.  I think it could be for the later reason that I didn't reply in what he'd call a suitable time. Although he can at times leave it a lot longer or never reply at all.

This morning he's messaged a mutual friend happy birthday on FB.  Some one he is in no shape or form close to.  I know he wants a reaction and he wants to hurt me. Two friends have already said this is what's doing.  Maybe I should just take it as a compliment that he's that affected by me.

[ColdEthyl]

They are that affected by everyone, but more so by people close to them. The way they process information is warped.

It wasn't that he'd forgotten. He knew full well if was my birthday.  I think it could be for the later reason that I didn't reply in what he'd call a suitable time. Although he can at times leave it a lot longer or never reply at all.

This morning he's messaged a mutual friend happy birthday on FB.  Some one he is in no shape or form close to.  I know he wants a reaction and he wants to hurt me. Two friends have already said this is what's doing.  Maybe I should just take it as a compliment that he's that affected by me.

[shatra]

Sounds like you invalidated him by arguing back and forth with him "yes you did, no I didn't"... .also, re: the birthday, unfortunately some people don't reciprocate with cards and gifts---it doesn't mean they don't care about you

Shatra

[ColdEthyl]

Yep... ."you" statements to them=assigning blame

Sounds like you invalidated him by arguing back and forth with him "yes you did, no I didn't"... .also, re: the birthday, unfortunately some people don't reciprocate with cards and gifts---it doesn't mean they don't care about you

Shatra

[PinkPoker]

I wasn't expecting a present or card im not that kind of girl. I did expect a message and because he hadn't it felt as though he didn't care... .

So I invalidated him by saying I believed he didn't want to be around me?  I thought saying 'believe' was a way of saying in my opinion maybe not yours.  I don't think i have the hang of this invalidation stuff yet. Although I was making progress validating him.  He never admits I'm right actually most of the time he'll say I'm reading into things, paranoid etc but funnily enough he always responds to the messages I validate him in rather than the ones before.

He actually walked passed me yesterday he wasn't going to say anything I said hello and that was it we both carried on walking.

I don't want to lose him as a friend but I don't like the fact I'm painted black because I don't reply to a message straight away so even on my birthday im punished.  Just like last year I was punished then too because I made a choice in my life which I had no idea would cause him to ignore me for two months.  I feel like I need have psychic powers.  It's so hard to please him... . 

[ColdEthyl]

I feel like I need have psychic powers.  It's so hard to please him... . 

We ALL feel like that sometimes. Jedimaster posted somewhere on here yesterday that sometimes it feels like you are building a house one nail at a time, and you have to smack your thumb with the hammer every nail you put in. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just want to scream!

What we are talking about here is a mental disorder. You can learn to communicate better, you can put up boundaries to preserve yourself, but without a long time of therapy and meds, he's not going to "change."

You might want to sit back and reconsider if this is a friendship you want to pursue. He will always paint your black from time to time (though you can reduce it), he will always do/say things that hurt your feelings if you let them.  It's how their brains process the information.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I've been there, but I've learned with the help of this website that my dBPDh's actions are NOT personal... .he's lashing out. Think of it this way... .they have all of these emotions going through them that they can't even process or understand properly and sometimes they boil over. They pop. They have to get it out... .and we are the ones who catch it.

Everything they do, they do in self-preservation. It's like their fight or flight is broken.