We got married. What changed?

[maxsterling]

I've kept this from the group for a few weeks - well, I don't know why.  We had planned on a wedding in March, and things were progressing to that direction, and I was still seeing positive changes in her, so I still felt like this was a good direction.  Then she lost her job, and with that, insurance.  Soo, we decided to get legally married at the courthouse a few weeks ago mainly for insurance reasons.  We still plan on a march wedding ceremony.  Without saying positive or negative or taking too much thought into reasons, here are a list of things that have changed or that I may have expected to change yet have stayed the same:

1)  She's apparently feeling the role of "housewife" and doesn't seem to be adjusting to that identity.  I think she has big internal struggles over this.

2)  She's become more annoyed with my family.  Not sure if that is part of the cycle, as she has been hot and cold towards my family all r/s.  Yet she does at least express that she needs to learn to accept.

3)  She has done more to take care of the house.  Not much more, but way more than the nothing I experienced for about a year.

4) I think she has been more critical of me over petty things such as the way I dress.  Again, this cycle has come and gone, and I don't know if this is just the cycle.

5) We have had much less frequent sex. 

6) She seems to project even more to the future - wants answers for things that may or may not happen years from now.  Such as who will take care of my parents when they get old or where we may move some day.

7) I seem more patient to work the tools here, and more patient with her.

8) She seems to de-escalate faster and respect boundaries a little better.

9)  her overall happiness level has remained the same - depressed.

10)  my stress level has remained about the same.  I feel differently focused, but just as stressed.

Some of these are interesting, but it's only been a few weeks. A few red flags here.  I know previous boyfriends have told her she was not "marriage material", and if you look at my above observations, I think you can see where those exes were coming from.

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[MissyM]

I can only tell you what I experienced.  My dBPDh went off the cliff when we got married.  I had no idea what BPD was or what was happening.  He really fell apart, his boss sent him home because he couldn't function at work (and he has a high powered job and is usually somewhat NPD around work issues).  It did level off somewhat about 2 months in.  Of course this happened over and over through the years, having kids was the really huge nose dive but marriage was a smaller version of what happened with kids.

[maxsterling]

More thoughts and comments here:

- I think she is actually more depressed.  Maybe being married highlights her shortcomings or adds more pressure to the r/s. 

- She told me last night that she doesn't even feel like having sex with me anymore. 

And I am thinking - if ex boyfriends told her that she is not "marriage material" I wonder if any of them came to the conclusion that marriage would be agonizing for her, and broke things off to spare her.  Sometimes I feel that way - that being in a committed r/s with her has made her BPD agony worse, and that while she was lonelier before, her coping mechanisms of constant change were still intact.  I think what kept her going for many years was being unattached, knowing she could pick up and move on to another place or another person.  And she did plenty of that. 

[takingandsending]

Hi max. Congratulations on your marriage!

I know in the past you have mentioned marriage and children. My uBPDw also struggled with the role of housewife and what to do with herself after we got married. To be fair, we did live in a small rural community, so some of her feelings of isolation were readily understandable. That said, BPD behavior ramped up tremendously when we had our first child.

My cautionary tale may not apply to your situation. I only note that there is some similarity, in that my wife wasn't comfortable/satisfied with her role in marriage, and she became dramatically less so after childbirth. I see a lot of myself in some of the things you have posted. You seem to have a good connection with your family, are kind, considerate and self-examining (sometimes to a fault). I made the choice to have both of my sons against my own reservations of how my wife would adjust to being a mom. I will never regret that they are alive and beautiful beings in this world. I do regret that I did not know about or understand that my wife had a mental illness, as it is very unfair to my children to struggle for attachment and security with an unpredictable and volatile parent.

Another way of stating it, it is one thing to endure a steady stream of criticism and negativity directed at you, apply tools and understanding and "manage" the situation. It is an entirely different and much more difficult thing (for me) to watch a steady stream of criticism and negativity directed at my children. Managing the situations have improved things for me and my sons (and my wife, too!), but I personally want to see my children thriving, not surviving.

[waverider]

More thoughts and comments here:

- I think she is actually more depressed.  Maybe being married highlights her shortcomings or adds more pressure to the r/s. 

- She told me last night that she doesn't even feel like having sex with me anymore. 

And I am thinking - if ex boyfriends told her that she is not "marriage material" I wonder if any of them came to the conclusion that marriage would be agonizing for her, and broke things off to spare her.  Sometimes I feel that way - that being in a committed r/s with her has made her BPD agony worse, and that while she was lonelier before, her coping mechanisms of constant change were still intact.  I think what kept her going for many years was being unattached, knowing she could pick up and move on to another place or another person.  And she did plenty of that. 

Do you think she viewed getting married as the "magic pill" to her problems? in reality nothing changes and that can increase the feeling of depression and hopelessness. As a result it is possible you may get a few token gestures but that may wane to leave her feeling more let down that before.

That was my worry and one of the reasons I put it off until now. My partners "improvements' had to not be based on marriage as the carrot.

[maxsterling]

That was my worry and one of the reasons I put it off until now. My partners "improvements' had to not be based on marriage as the carrot.

Well, I thought the same thing.  But then I realized that I need to do what I need to do.  If she views marriage (or having a child) as a "carrot", I cannot control that.  But I am not going to let that control what I want to do.  What do I want?  I love her, I like spending time with her, I want to be married to her.  I recognize if I am waiting around for her to reach certain milestones, I'm not in control of what I want.  And if being married causes her to slip into constant dysregulation - that's nothing I can control.  That's for her to figure out.  She also said "I do."  And if at some point in the future my needs change, or I realize my needs aren't being met, I can change course. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Congratulations! Both for getting married and for sounding as clear about what you want out of it!

 GK

[outside9x]

Hi Masterling,

Just a comment here.  Most insurance companies recognize Significant Others if they , 1 live in your house, and you share in expenses etc.  You do not need to be married to have Health Insurance, and same with even gay (non married couples) in fact that's why they were pushed to do it.   At least in most states I know, so I hope the marriage grows strong.

[Tater tot]

Max- Congratulations on your marriage! It sounds like you've entered into the relationship with a pretty good understanding of your wife, and what some of her obstacles are and that are you invested in supporting her.

I've read somewhere that major changes (i.e. stressors- moving in together, marriage, having kids, etc) can enhance the BPD behaviors. That stress in general amplifies our normal reactions and responses. So if you tend to be an anxious person, and are put in a stressful situation, your anxiety is going to increase. It may just take awhile for her to adjust to this change.