Is It BPD?

[lost_in_translation]

 *welcome*Hello Everyone,

I could really use some help. I have been browsing the forums on here for several weeks and I think it is wonderful that such a supportive place on the internet exists, so I thank you all in advance.  I have been in a r/s with my GF for 3 yrs and it has been quite a roller coaster ride. 

Here's a little about what I know about her from before we met:  she was hospitalized twice and diagnosed with schizophrenia because she was having delusions, she was arrested multiple times, had a restraining order from a co-worker for stalking, accused her family of abuse which she now admits was not true, family members have filed police reports against her for domestic violence, there was drug abuse and self-destructive behavior. 

I don't know her full story because she is extremely secretive and her family likes to think that if you ignore a problem it never existed.  I had to put the puzzle pieces of her past together on my own for the last 3 years.  I do admit that since we met there have been no major delusional episodes or episodes of violence, but that is mostly likely because I've had to be the parental support that she thinks she never had.  Below I will list the behaviors and character traits that she has exhibited:

-In between 3-4 week periods of being an amazing, loving, kind, girlfriend she will break up with me, or slowly start to move all her stuff out of my place.  This has been going on since the beginning.

-Every time we have a disagreement she tells me I am not right for.

-She lies

-Has an inappropriate friendship with a guy who wants more than friendship.  In fact, he told her he never really wanted to be her friend.  Yet, she carries on this "friendship" which I told her hurts my feelings and makes me feel disrespected.  She puts him on a pedestal.

-She has a general disregard for my feelings

-She may have cheated on me?  Not sure about that one... .

-She binge drinks and blacks out all too regularly for a 30 yr old woman and she takes Adderall to function during the day and sleeping pills and booze to come down and then end of the night

-She distorts events, gaslights, and projects things on to me.  She actually had the nerve to tell me that I am delusional and that she is a good catch.

-She is lazy and sloppy

-She claims she want to buy a house with me, yet spends $$ excessively and refuses to save.

-She rages only when she is drunk.  During these times she calls me a loser, tells me she doesn't really love me etc.

-She withdraws/gives me silent treatment

-When confronted about anything she reverts into a 3 year old.  It is impossible to have an adult convo about my feelings and views

-Has no capacity to handle stress

-She takes no responsibility for her actions and is the queen of excuses

-We can be broken up for 2 hours and she is already on dating websites


Why did I stay for so long you might ask?  Because I love the good version of her.  The one I see so much potential in.  The one I think I could see more of if only I could get through to her.  I also probably stay because there is something wrong with me I'm starting to realize.  Why would anyone tolerate lying, disrespect, and blatant disregard even if it is only on a part-time basis?  I mean I have broken up with her a couple of times, but she has been successful at manipulating her way back into my life with moments of clarity and acknowledging she has a problem.  She says she will be honest with her therapist and she will be on her best behavior for about a month and she spirals right back into the ugly version of herself.  In case you're wondering, she left this morning and I think this time I need to seriously evaluate MYSELF and want I need and want.  I can't be afraid of what will happen to her if I am not around to catch her when she falls.  I have so much anxiety over all of this.

I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice, stories, support.  Whatever you have to offer.  Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Hi lost_in_translation, 

I think you've found the right place.   Is it BPD?  Well, unfortunately none of us here are qualified to diagnose her over the internet   The reality is, BPD is diagnosed based on behaviors, and the behaviors are what matters to you, not the actual diagnosis.  I can say, however, much of what you describe sounds very familiar to me, so being here and posting and reading and learning the communication tools will help you.

First and foremost - she clearly has some serious self-destructive mental health issues.  And it sounds like she at least in part recognizes that - she has gone to therapy, and has been diagnosed with something.  But it is important to learn, that the communication tools on this website are to help YOU, she has mental health issues, AND YOU CAN'T FIX THEM FOR HER. That was and is still a hard concept for me to accept.  But the more you accept that her problems are her problems and there is nothing you can do about that, the easier your life will become.

I'm glad you found us here.  Keep posting!  This is a great community.

[Cloudy Days]

She certainly fits the BPD bill. keep reading on this site, it is extremely helpful and their are many people that can give you specific advice on situations because they have been through the same thing. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get some therapy for yourself. You aren't the first person to come on this site and realize and start asking the question of what is wrong with me to put up with all this madness. We are all a little messed up in our own way. As soon as I found out about BPD and started looking on this site that was the first thing that I started thinking about. Why have I stayed for so long, this relationship is madness! Because the #1 thing you need to remember about this relationship is the only person you can change or control is yourself. So trying to get her to act like a healthy and normal human being is just going to cause you more pain and heartache. But when you realize that you can put boundaries up that don't allow her to manipulate you then things can get better.    

[Skip]

So stepping away from the relationship cycling, what is going go in the relationship (the big things) and what is flawed (the big things)? 

What is her assessment of the same?

This is a good place to start.

[hurthusband]

The best thing is if she believes she is unhappy and has a problem to get to a psychiatrist or psychologist who knows about BPD.

You said that she goes weeks good then weeks bad.  That would be a little bipolar as the BPD is pretty instance back and forth, but doc is the one to talk to

The fact there is substance abuse makes things more convoluted if some of the actions are due to drugs or personality disorder or chemical inbalance...

if she is BPD and you have stuck around this long, you very well might be co-dependent and have own issues.  These will make it hard to deal with her for yourself.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good read for dealing with people in general, but is specifically for BPD. 

MAKE SURE you get a good doc.  Keep in mind that BPD is something that needs therapy and not meds.  Alot of docs do not want to deal with therapy... they want to just shovel out pills.  Its why you see just about everyone who goes and gets County help diagnosed with schizo or bipolar and never getting any better.  Therapy is hard for all involved and costly...

My wife functions on vyvanse and adderall too.  Her psychiatrist i think is not properly taking care of her and is costing us about $550 a month in meds and other crap that really does not help.  Fortunately, also have a psychologist who does do therapy, but its costly... twice a week... about $1100 a month.  It has helped while drugs have not, but i am not going to say that 16 months later the quality of life is *good*.  It is just better than it was

[Cloudy Days]

Just would like to say not to discount all drugs. My husband snubbed drugs for a long time except for Marijuana, actually stopped drinking even and things were good until he would run out. Fast forward through some legal troubles and now he is on medication and is experiencing probably one of the most stressful situations he has ever dealt with in his life and he has been functioning like a mostly normal human being. He still has days where he is depressed or even obsessive or angry. But it doesn't compare to what he was like without the drugs. He is taking Lamictal and told me when he gets angry it's like it knocks him back a notch and he gets really tired. He is also getting therapy that costs about $320 a month with insurance. We were lucky to find a place that specifically treats people with BPD. That is their only client base, it's a bit of a drive but worth it.