Thank you for the advice/responses. I am truly trying to work on myself. I hAve come to realize that at 50 years old I do not know how to do that... .won't make me stop trying. Actually spoke to my UBPDW earlier and along with the blaming for all my faults and how I am to blame for so much she do repeatedly tell me to work on myself. Anybody have any advice to someone who has never done it before?
Hi 4kidz.
I am 49, so I am right there with you in the don't know how to give self-care and right my own ship. But go easy on yourself. I can't recall how long you have been married, but being in a relationship with someone suffering with a mental illness is not easy.
One of the positive things that I did for myself was, as formflier notes, to start seeing a therapist for myself. Eventually, this therapist became a marriage counselor for my wife and me. And with some coaxing from this community, I found another therapist just for me.
A second thing that I would encourage you to do is to see if there is a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) near you (if you live in North America). They hold family support group meetings, typically every other week. Having a safe and understanding place to tell your story and receive support is absolutely essential. And you soon realize that you are not alone in your struggles.
Another thing that helped me to start looking at my own feelings and needs was working through (well, almost through) Randi Kreger's "Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook". The exercises, if you take the time to really do them (and you are worth taking the time), helped me to identify what I wanted and had hoped for in this relationship a long time ago and how much I had given up on for myself.
Lastly, when we first realize that we are emotionally involved with someone who has a mental illness, there are some pretty standard phases of emotional response. I have posted these previously, but will do so again, because they really do show that what you are going through is NORMAL and okay. You didn't ask for your wife to have this illness, nor did she, but it's here and you have to decipher for yourself how you want to proceed, not only in her best interest but for your own as well. Anyway, here's the phases of response, and while we progress through these, it's not uncommon to bounce around and find yourself back in Phase I after having left it for a while.
STAGES OF EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
I.
DEALING WITH CATASTROPHIC EVENTS
Crisis/Chaos/Shock; Denial “normalizing”; Hoping Against Hope
NEEDS: *Support *Comfort *Empathy for confusion *Help finding resources *Crisis intervention *Prognosis *Empathy for pain
II.
LEARNING TO COPE
Anger/Guilt/Resentment; Recognition; Grief
NEEDS: *Vent feelings *Keep hope *Education *Self-care *Networking *Skill training *Letting go *Co-operation from System
III.
MOVING INTO ADVOCACY
Understanding; Acceptance; Advocacy/Action
NEEDS: *Activism *Restoring balance in life, *Responsiveness from System
